Reinventing Yourself: Requires a Patent
by BlankPoofTheory
Summary: Clarissa is struggling to know who she is after a destructive relationship and and troubled past. Clary goes on a journey to find herself and makes plenty of mistakes along the way. Warning: Clary ships about everything, but it is heavy on the Clace throughout. All human, AU. Rated M for pretty much everything that M can be.
1. Chapter 1

**Alrighty everyone so here is my new story. It's gonna be quite a bit different than my last ones. This is all human and it's tragic. Kinda throwing the first chapter up to see what you all think and see if you want me to continue or not. So read, hit me up, let me know.**

**I own nothing, all characters belong to Cassandra Claire, I just enjoying putting her characters in different scenarios for my own kicks. **

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_"__Cause I need freedom now__  
__And I need to know how__  
__To live my life as it's meant to be__And I will hold on hope__  
__And I won't let you choke__  
__On the noose around your neck__And I'll find strength in pain__  
__And I will change my ways__  
__I'll know my name as it's called again"_

_Mumford and Sons-The Cave_

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Even with her eyes closed she could still see the pulsing of the lights through her lids. The music pounded loudly around her shaking her body, forcing her to move in time with the beats. This was the time she looked forward to each week, each day planned around how many days until Wednesday, because Wednesday was club day.

Clary kept her eyes closed and let her body swivel and sway with the music. This was the only time when she truly felt alive anymore, and that was why Wednesdays were so important. She felt someone come up from behind her sliding their hands around her tiny waist pulling her up against them. Clary kept her eyes closed, she wasn't alarmed. It was clearly a male up against her; she could feel the rough material of denim scratching against her ass which was barely covered by the short plaid shirt she wore. He was probably of about average height as he still towered far above her, even when she was wearing her highest of heeled boots.

Clary wiggled her ass against her partner; feeling a hard bulge at the small of her back. She smiled to herself, pleased she was affecting him. The music did not stop but she could tell by the different thud, thud, pattern that one song had shifted to another. Clary opened her eyes and the scene around her was the same as she expected, a hazy darkness broken only by the flickering of random colors. The air was thick with all the bodies slinking and swaying around the dance floor, sweating and grinding against their partners.

She looked off to the side of the dance floor where she knew her friends would be standing, watching her. They usually didn't dance often, but they were always close-by, watching her and protecting her. Clary called them her men as there was only one other female in the group. Clary had only been a real part of the group for about a month, but she had known the other female for years.

Izzy, the other female, had been friends with Clary in High School. Izzy was a few years older than Clary but was placed in the same class because she had not taken school as seriously as Clary had. Clary had always been a bit of a loaner, having only a tight group of friends and perfectly content with that, but something about Izzy seeped into Clary and they quickly became very close friends. Izzy had graduated the year that Clary had moved away and they lost contact for two years. Clary moved on with her life and Izzy had done the same. It's a strange thing about life though, it has a way of circling back and Clary had found Izzy again, just when she had needed someone.

Izzy had taken her in like nothing had ever happened, and Clary even moved in with her. Izzy introduced Clary to her group of friends; she had called them her men, so that was what Clary called them as well. Within a short period of time Clary had become the center of the group, maybe it was because she was new, or maybe it was just something about her personality, but as she looked off to the side of the club, her men were standing there watching her intently.

For the first time Clary looked back to whomever was dancing with her. He was someone that Clary had seen around the club before, but she didn't know his name. He had short dark hair and caramel colored skin. He wasn't bad looking but Clary wasn't really interested either, she had this weird sort of thing for blondes. Clary stopped dancing and so did the man who was holding her. She thanked him shyly and ducked under him arms and went quickly over to where her friends were watching with possessive eyes. She had been accused of being a cock tease a few times in the past recent months, but that really wasn't her intention. She wasn't sure what she was doing but the only thing she knew is that she couldn't be what she had been. Clary needed to find a new identity for herself and that's exactly what she had spent the past few months doing.

The music was loud in her ears which made talking nearly impossible unless you were shouting directly in someone's ear. Clary put two fingers up to her mouth, tapping her lips lightly and the men shook their heads. Clary headed for the front door of the club, knowing that her men were right behind her. She stepped out and moved to the side of the building, stopping and turning to wait for her entourage. She leaned back against the hard brick, bringing one leg up to rest against the bricks while balancing on her other heel. Her blonde friend settled in front of her, his golden eyes shining and he reached inside his leather jacket and produced a cigarette. It was just what Clary was waiting for. He brought the stick up to his lips and lit the lighter, dragging in the air expertly. Clary watched the end glow red with his inhale. Jace took the cigarette from his lips and handed it over to Clary who took an eager inhale as Jace slowly exhaled the smoke from his lungs with a smirk.

"What's with letting Mr. Suave getting all handsy with me?" Clary said with a teasing smile.

"Oh you loved every second of it; I could see your smile from the corner of the room." Jace said, taking the cigarette from between her fingers to have a puff of his own.

"Yeah but my eyes were closed. I didn't see what he looked like." Clary said watching the cigarette intently. She only shared when it came to Jace, and he didn't even smoke unless they were together. Clary suspected he just liked to put his mouth where hers had been, but he had never actually made a move toward her so she wasn't really sure.

His long blonde hair flowed around his face, it was always silky and smooth with the slightest waves. It was more of a golden blonde, like the sun at sunset which matched his golden eyes. He was attractive, Clary would have to be blind not to see that, but the problem was everyone else could see that too. Jace was always flirty with Clary, but she knew it made for a great friendship but who was she to compete for him when it really came down to it; she was a mess.

The only time she felt remotely ok with herself was during her weekly trips to the club. There was a reason she went on Wednesdays, it was a special day, it was goth night. Clary wasn't really gothic, or the rest of their friends, but that wasn't the point of goth night. It was a night where all the outcasts could meet without being met with judgment or ridicule. Clary used the day as her own personal Halloween, not costumes like you would think of, but she could be anyone other than herself. She knew that when she went out, her ruby red hair brushed and smoothed, dark makeup surrounding her eyes, and short revealing clothes, all eyes were on her. This was the one time she felt pretty, any other time she avoided mirrors like the plague.

Jace was with her every day, which meant even on days that she wasn't done up pretty. He knew what she really looked like; she wouldn't stand a chance against anyone else that Jace could get. She wasn't worth it, she was damaged beyond repair. She was grateful for his friendship, and she selfishly allowed herself to have that at least.

He handed the cigarette back, always adhering to the "puff, puff, pass" rule even though Clary was less considerate at times. Alec was standing behind Jace on his own section of the brick wall, he was one of the men, as well as Magnus. Alec is Jace's brother, younger than him by slightly less than a year not that you would be able to tell from looking at them. Alec was different than Jace in nearly every way, his hair was dark brown and cut short, and his eyes were a piercing blue. You wouldn't have been able to tell they were related at all unless you had seen their other brother, the youngest of the three: Max. Max was a strange mix of the two boys with darker hair but not as dark as Alec's and a golden hazel color eyes. He was 13 and the last of the siblings because their mother died during childbirth.

Alec never seemed to like Clary but he was always around with the rest of the men anyways. I guess you could say he was civil, but Clary could hang out with any of the others one-on-one at any time; except for Alec. He was talking to Magnus, it was impossible not to love Magnus. His entire attitude was different than most of the other men, he was exuberant and eccentric with an excessive love of glitter. Magnus was openly gay but never made anyone feel weird or uncomfortable.

It was still relatively early for the group, even though it was late enough for most reasonable people to already be in bed. But they were all just barely adults and for them the night was only getting started. Izzy was the only member of the group that didn't move with the group. She was the oldest, freshly 21, and she spent most of her time at the bar of the club flirting relentlessly with anyone that she deemed worthy.

Clary and Jace finished with their cigarette which meant it was time to go back inside. The music was just as loud and the beat very much the same, a hypnotic pulse that begged to be moved to. A wide grin flashed across Clary's face, this was home. Clary sauntered to the dance floor while the boys took up their positions along the side; it was like they were her own personal body guards. She moved her hips and ran her hands up and down the side of her body while she closed her eyes and let the music take her away. Clary had never used drugs before but she imagined this must be what it felt like to be high.

"CLARY!" She heard her name yelled and her eyes opened. In front of her was her friend, her roommate, her Izzy, and behind her was a relatively attractive male with his arms around her waist possesively. Izzy had been coming to this club for years before Clary was even old enough to get in. An entire section of her massive wardrobe was closed off to just goth night attire and tonight she was wearing one of her best. Her long black hair was half up and twisted around in the back giving her a halo of sharp black spikes. Her outfit was nearly identical to Clary's which was exactly the way she had planned except her skirt was black and green plaid to Clary's red. Izzy said they would both have better luck getting laid if they were matching than if not.

Clary wasn't sure why Izzy was always trying to get her laid. Clary wasn't really ready for a relationship, who was she kidding, she wasn't anywhere close to wanting to let a man back into her life. She had broken up with her fiancé only 6 months ago and she was still desperately trying to figure out who she was now that she was alone.

Clary was one of those people that had a string of bad luck that needed to be seen to be believed. In fact on more than one occasion she was accused of making things up for attention which really set her blood on fire. Why would anyone make up things so terrible? Sebastian had been one of those really terrible things that left Clary the puddle of mess she was now, not that she hadn't been a basket full of puppies on a Ferris wheel before.

"Nice choice." Clary said with a smile, she hadn't quit moving her hips with the sound of the music. Izzy was swaying and grinding her hips into her partner.

"So who are you bringing home tonight?" Izzy said with a smirk looking around to the potentials.

"Iz." Clary said with a sigh that was likely not even heard over the pounding of the music. "I told you I'm working on this thing with a guy at work." Clary yelled.

Izzy rolled her eyes. Clary cursed the fact that Izzy knew her so well. There really was a guy from work that was showing some potential, he was attractive, and nice, and seemed to worship the ground Clary walked on. He would be all too easy to get to have a relationship with her, there were just two problems. One: Clary really wasn't ready for a relationship. Two: he's a virgin, and Clary wasn't. It's not like she had slept around a bunch, she had only one notch to her belt, Sebastian. But Clary didn't think she would be able to sleep with a virgin when she wasn't even capable of loving right now. That wouldn't be fair, that's what happened to her and while her morals had slowly been leeched from her, she wouldn't be like _him_.

Maybe it was time for her to have some no-strings attached sex. Everyone else seemed to enjoy it. "Fuck it." Clary said to herself, she had been trying to find herself, maybe she was as depraved and moral less as everyone else.

"Just to make you happy." Clary yelled with a smile and Izzy knew the game was on.

"You know the rules." Izzy said with a sneer.

"Yeah, yeah, I get one pick and that's the one I have to get to come home with me for the night." Clary recited. Clary knew the rules very well, she had helped to make them, but she had never actually played before. Izzy very rarely lost her bet, but she also knew most of the men that frequented the bar. Clary looked around, her eyes landed first to Jace. If she was really honest with herself she knew that by far he was the hottest in the club. But he was in the not-allowed category; she wouldn't fuck up her closest friendship with a one-night stand.

Her eyes scanned the club, there really wasn't that many she would consider. Most of the good-looking ones seemed to already be attached to scantily dressed women. Clary looked back toward the entrance of the club and that was when she saw someone knew, well two someones. They were walking in together, clearly they knew each other. Both were attractive, but one caught really caught her eye. He was tall and blonde and looked to be very muscular. His hair was cut short and his shirt was stretched tightly across her chest. The other man that had walked in with was tanner in skin color with warm brown hair. Damn they were both hot, but Clary always had a soft spot for blondes but have never actually dated one before. Clary looked back to Izzy and they exchanged a smirk.

"That one." Clary said with a smile.

Clary closed her eyes and took in a deep calming breath. She had never done anything like this before, it was something she had always frowned upon. Her father had always taught her that she was a prize to be earned, not something just given away. She had spent her entire life believing that and trying to live up to his ridiculous expectations. She loved her father with all her heart, but it was his fault that she had chosen to go and live with Izzy after her and Sebastian split.

She tried to clear her mind of everything she had ever been told, everything that she had ever told herself she needed to be. She was going to put real effort into this. She was going to have her first one-night stand. Sex. Just sex. No emotions, no heart break, just fun casual sex. Clary exhaled deeply and then opened her eyes. Shit. Where did he go?

She scanned the crowed quickly. There was no way she was going to go down burning on her first time playing. Iz would never let her hear the end of it. Finally the white blonde hair served as a billboard alerting her to where Mr. Tall-Blonde-and-Built went but she was not expecting him to be where he was. He still had his friend nearby but he was also talking to a group, her group. He was talking to the men. Clary smiled like the Cheshire cat, _fuck this is going to be too easy_, she thought to herself.

Clary stopped dancing and sauntered over to the men. Jace was in deep conversation with Clary's target but stopped talking and smiled at Clary when he noticed her approaching.

"Who's your friends?" Clary asked while settling in beside Jace with her back against the wall. She was facing the newest members now and beamed at her great choice. He was even better looking up close than he was from a distance. He was just as good-looking as Jace, just in a completely different way.

His hair was cut short but still long enough to slide your fingers through and hold on tight. He stood taller than Jace which meant even with her heels Clary barely came up to his chin. It looked like he must either work out or he did some kind of physical labor work because his muscles were right out of an Abercrombie insert. It was hard to tell the color of his eyes due to the darkness of the club but they looked almost black. It was a striking contrast to his otherwise light features. Then Clary's eyes flitted down to his lips, and there was her prize. A single shining silver ring dead in the middle of his lip. Clary licked her lips and bit the lower one lightly.

Clary jumped back into reality as the lips parted. It took her brain a second to catch up. "Hi Clary, it's nice to meet you." The lips has said and then smiled. Even his teeth were straight and white and perfect.

"Hi." Clary said back quickly. Great she was looking like an utter moron. Not a great way to get a one night stand. Maybe she already blew it with this one. She looked over to the other guy, he was smiling and checking her out. At least she didn't lose it with him if she really needed to, she could probably land that. Shit, she didn't catch any of their names. She would look stupid trying to ask again now.

_Stop it_. She mentally scolded herself. _You're acting like an idiot. You are better than his. Better than what he made you. You are anything you want to be. You can have anything you want to have. You picked the blonde, now get the blonde_.

Clary took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She didn't think she was attractive but she knew guys thought she was hot. She didn't need to know his name to make him come drooling after her. She didn't need to be a stupid bimbo, she would make him crawl to her on his hands and knees. She'd make him want her with ever fiber of his being and she would take from him what she needed and then move on. That was the only way she would get her "power" back, the one that was taken from her. The only way to get power is by taking it, it wasn't earned or given, it was taken, and she needed some back.

Clary smiled and looked both boys up and down, she made sure they watched her doing it. She couldn't be her anymore, she was weak and she refused to be weak anymore. She would just have to pretend, pretend until it was real. She smiled again while making eye contact with the blonde. She allowed just a moment where their eyes locked in a stare, she was daring him.

Her eyes flicked away quickly, not out of shame or surrender. She had challenged him with a look, and she hoped he got it. She turned to Jace and put her hand flat on his chest. Even with her heels on she needed to stretch on the tips of her toes to reach his ear.

"Wanna make sure I don't get groped again?" She asked in her sweetest voice. She pulled back lightly to look in his eyes. They had become rather good at talking through looks and his eyes had darkened, almost predatory. Good, she needed him in a protective mood.

Clary nodded slightly then rocked back onto her heels and turned back into the crowd and made her way further into the center of the dance floor. Normally she stayed near the back, back where she could be watched by her men while they stayed against the wall. Where she was standing now she couldn't even see the wall through the mass of bodies which meant Jace would have to follow her onto the floor if he wanted to keep her safe.

Clary should have been scared being all alone without her guard looking on. She should have gone back to safety. But so much had already been taken from her. She had suffered and lost so much. She found she wasn't afraid. She wasn't nervous or happy or anything else. She had been like this for months. She didn't feel anything anymore; there wasn't anything left to be taken.

Clary closed her eyes and let the pounding of the music fill her head and guide her body. When she had first started to come to the club it was little more than just noise, but now she was beginning to learn the songs and know exactly when to sway or when to drop her ass to the floor. Before this she had never really danced and didn't know if she even could. Clary was no longer afraid of looking dumb, afraid of all the bad that could happen. Clary just wanted to feel something other than the complete emptiness that filled her when she tried to feel; so instead she just felt the pounding of the bass.

It wasn't long until a set of arms wrapped around her tightly, a body pressed against hers. There was comfort in drawing warmth from another, feeling wanted when you no longer wanted yourself. She felt a tickle against her neck and the brush of breath against her ear.

"You could have waited for me." Jace said, grabbing her hips and pulling her against him.

Clary sighed in relief, she hadn't been frightened but Jace was home and there was always something so satisfying about being home. They didn't say any more, they just moved together in time with the music. He really was an excellent dancer and Clary didn't understand why he never wanted to get on the floor. There were always plenty of other girls trying to get his attention but he never seemed interested. Maybe he wasn't into the whole "goth" thing and came just to keep Clary and Izzy safe. He had never even gone out to the club with Izzy before Clary had come along.

Clary opened her eyes and danced in a circle, turning so she was facing Jace. His long shaggy hair was plastered to his forehead as the heat from all the bodies pressed so closely together amped up his body temperature making him sweat. Clary wrapped her arms around his neck and his went around her waist pulling her closely to him, lined up hip to hip. Clary put her chin on his shoulder and inhaled deeply, Jace's touch was home but so was his smell. It was a manly scent that smelled like copper and sawdust. It was earthy and rich and spoke of protection and safety.

Clary peeked beyond Jace's shoulder and saw the blonde guy standing and talking with his tan friend. They looked incredibly out of place; standing in the middle of the dance floor but unmoving to the sounds of the music. Clary locked gaze with the blonde one again and he looked away quickly as if he hadn't been watching her the entire time. _Like shooting fish in a barrel_, Clary thought.

The song morphed and Clary pulled back from Jace and pressed her two fingers to her lips. Jace released his grip and allowed Clary to lead the way back out of the club. She knew her men would follow as she walked past their perched spot. She knew the two new members would follow her too.

Clary inhaled deeply as the chilled outside air hit her face. It had been too hot inside, but there was something comforting about the heat. Like a child wrapping itself in a blanket when they are scared. Sometimes being smothered was better than the cold emptiness of being alone and afraid. But the air outside was refreshing and much quieter than inside. If she wanted to make progress with the blonde it would need to be somewhere that she could hear him.

Clary set up on the wall and before she needed to ask a lit cigarette was placed in her fingers. She looked around while taking her first hit, her men had followed as she had known but so had the newcomers. They were already following in toe like puppies. The tan one began to talk to Jace; Jordan was his name Clary soon found out. The blonde one was quieter, but was a part of the conversation slightly.

Jace and Jordan apparently knew each other for years. They had gone to school together and now they did not see each other often. They lived in opposite sides of the city and Jordan apparently didn't get out too much, he had a baby at home. Well it seemed like him and the mother weren't together but he wanted to be a part of his son's life. The club happened to be relatively close to where Jordan was living so he was all too happy to get out of the house and get to see some of his old friends again.

Clary saw an opportunity, Jace and Jordan were busy catching up and while the blonde one was standing as part of the small circle but wasn't actively talking either. Clary passed the cigarette to Jace and took her foot off the wall. She moved forward a step and sized the blonde man up. It was better lit outside under the street lights and there was no mistaking it, this guy was the epitome of attractive.

"So you're a friend of Jordan, or you just like hanging out with random people?" Clary asked with an edge to her voice. If she wasn't going to be herself, she might as well be a bitch.

The blonde smirked down to her and visibly checked her out. Clary was happy that her shirt was low cut and being short gave tall guys a distinct vantage point that couldn't hurt her chances. Her boobs weren't exactly large, not like Izzy's, but they were a handful and perky and she used them as she could.

"I guess meeting new people isn't too bad when they look like you." He said with an air of challenge.

It had been a long time since Clary had flirted, and she had never really needed to before she became….this. She resorted back to bitch mode, it was the easiest; she had seen girls do it a thousand times over. "Oh so you are one of those creepy guys. Anyone ever tell you that creep isn't attractive, it's fucking annoying."

He looked a little taken aback, but only for a second, a second was all it took for him to regain his composure. Clary had seen that look before, it was a predatory look. She had just given him a challenge, and men like that want most what they can't have. She should have been afraid; she knew what guys like that were capable of. But Clary wasn't afraid; if she wanted it too maybe it wouldn't crush her this time.

Clary gave him a smirk, just a small little one. Then turned back to Jace and took the last of the cigarette and inhaled deeply filling her tiny little lungs completely. Jace was looking to her expectantly. Clary tossed the butt to the ground and Jace stepped on it for her. He knew it was harder for her to do in her heels. Without another word she turned and walked back into the club.

She didn't even pause but went straight for her normal spot. Her spot where the men could watch from the walls, a spot where Jace didn't need to dance with her. Clary through everything into her next dance, every seductive and sexy move that she could think of. No one ever came and joined her but she had a line of admirers and she could tell by their uncomfortable adjustment's their pants were becoming snug. Clary spent the rest of the night on the dance floor, toying and teasing, making sure they all were so ready to go no one would object to her next suggestion.

Izzy found her way back to Clary as the last song of the night began to play. The lights had come back on and the club was beginning to clear out. Izzy had the same man that had danced with her earlier in tow, Izzy had gotten hers and she looked to Clary with a cocked eyebrow wondering why she was dancing alone. Clary gave her a knowing smile, a smile that told her friend not to worry.

Clary went over to the wall. Jace had gotten her coat and put it on her with care; he had her car keys in his pocket since Clary didn't really have pockets in her outfit. The normal plan was everyone went back to Clary and Izzy's house, they would smash on Taco Bell and then Magnus and Alec would walk back to their own houses on the same street. Jace always stayed with Clary on Wednesday's and always in her bed. He didn't know that tonight would be different, Clary hoped he would understand.

"So everyone back to the house tonight?" Clary asked looking to Jordan and the blonde in particular.

"I don't know." Jordan said looking away from Clary. "I'm supposed to pick up my son tomorrow…" He trailed off.

Clary looked to the blonde, "What about you? Want to come back to my house tonight?"

The blonde gave a smile, "Sounds like fun." He said and produced his own set of keys. "I'll follow you."

Clary beamed and headed for the door. Clary was always the driver, and everyone barely fit in her tiny Dodge Neon, but there was just enough room when Izzy sat in back on the lap of her new friend. Clary just hoped he could find his own ride home tomorrow; she didn't want to play chauffeur on her one real day off.

"So what's with inviting Jonathan over?" Jace said as she pulled onto the highway.

_Jonathan? That must be his name_. Clary thought. She would have to try to remember that, or not. "I don't know, I thought he was your friend." Clary said as if it was obvious.

"We went to high school together. He's alright. We didn't always get along. He was always so much closer with Jordan than with me." Jace said, it sounded like there was a lot more that Jace wasn't saying.

Clary just shrugged her shoulders and went back to focusing on driving. So what if this guy had a past or if he wasn't that decent. It really wouldn't surprise Clary, but it didn't really matter anyways. Not for what she wanted to use him for.


	2. Chapter 2

**So there has been a little bit of interest so I decided to give you just a little bit more. Read, review, follow all those things because they make me happy and I get into a dark place sometimes and hearing from you makes me happy.**

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I wanna make some babies  
I wanna get it on  
I wanna make you horny  
But I can't get it up  
I wanna make some money  
But I don't want no job  
I wanna make you horny  
But I can't get it up

Mindless Self Indulgence- Get it Up

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Izzy and her man were the first through the door. Halfway through the trip home they were making out so hard core Clary had to turn up the radio just to block out the slurping noises. They had barely even stopped to walk from the curb to the house, and it took Izzy so long to unlock the door Clary felt like ripping the keys from her hands. Once inside Izzy dragged her guy up the stairs to where the bedrooms were and Clary heard the door slam a few minutes later. Clary hoped that she wouldn't have to hear much more from Izyy tonight.

The rest of the carload piled into the house and Jonathan walked in behind slowly, not used to the routine like the others. The Taco Bell was thrown on the kitchen island and everyone jumped on it in a second. Jonathan looked at them all like they were from a different planet. Clary smiled and grabbed a burrito from the island and took it to him. "Here." She said softly.

Jonathan looked at her with a raised eyebrow and took the burrito from her slowly. "Umm, thanks." He said slowly.

Clary smiled and then turned to get her own food, and to grab all the hot sauce packets before they were all taken. She wasn't quite being the bitch that she was supposed to be, but Clary found that was exhausting.

The boys were all smashing on their food and they had settled on the couch with the remote in hand. They had this odd habit of watching the late night infomercials and making fun of them until their eyes felt like bleeding. Clary had always found that incredibly boring and never understood their fascination with it.

Clary finished her food and felt refreshed, normally she would go and smoke with Jace after eating but she had noticed that Jonathan didn't smoke, and timing was after all everything. "Want the tour?" She said to Jonathan as he finished with his food and looked around lost for the trashcan.

"Sure." He said as she took the wrapper from him, opening a cabinet and throwing it away for him.

"Well obviously this is the kitchen and the living room is right there were the guys like to veg out and watch TV." Clary said while heading for the stairs, there was only one thing upstairs, the bedrooms. That was where she needed to get him. "Upstairs is more interesting." She said with a smile as she stepped up the bottom step.

She walked up the steps slowly and she could hear that Jonathan was following. She took each step with intent, making sure her ass sashayed from side to side with each step. At the top of the steps the first bedroom was Izzy's. There was slight moaning and thumping coming from the room. Clary looked to Jonathan with a raised eyebrow; hopefully he was smart enough to figure out whose room that was. He returned a small smirk.

Clary moved on to the next room, this one was hers. There was another room at the far end of the corridor and a bathroom near that. Clary didn't really need to show him those rooms; she was more interested in getting him into her room. She opened the door and walked right in going far enough into the room that he could come in entirely, not just stand in the doorway to have a peek.

"This is my room." Clary said with a smile. Really it was a pathetic excuse for a room, but she had only been staying there for a few weeks now and all she had was what she could throw into Izzy's car when she left her father's. There was a plane mattress lying on the floor, no box spring or anything. Izzy had taken it out of a pull out couch and Clary was happy that her fitted covered she had brought with some things packed up in them had fit well over the mattress. There was a single pillow lying on the bed, it was fuzzy and camouflage in color. Izzy had given her a few blankets which were pulled neatly over the bed. There was a small closet in the side of the room which held the few stacks of clothing Clary had been able to grab, along with some of the other random items she had salvaged in the hurry. Other than that her room was pretty much bare aside from the Abercrombie hat resting on her windowsill. Clary did hang a few random movie posters on the walls to make it look a little less crack-house like, that was one of the few perks of working at a movie theater.

Jonathan looked around at the unimpressive surrounds and it must have clicked with him that Clary had not invited him up here to show him anything in particular. Jonathan smiled and slowly closed the bedroom door behind him. Clary heard the door latch and smiled.

Jonathan walked toward her slowly. Clary locked gaze with him trying her best to remember how to be seductive and sexy. She couldn't really believe she was about to do this, she hadn't had sex in several months and she had only ever been with one person. Could she even do this, be with someone that she didn't know, someone she didn't care about?

Clary didn't have time to answer the questions racing through her head before he had closed the distance between them. His hands came up swiftly and cupped her face. He brought his lips down on hers hard and Clary felt warmth spread through her from their point of contact down to her toes. Clary let her eyes flutter closed and moved her lips against his. It was better than being alone and that answered all her doubts.

Clary parted her lips and allowed his tongue to slide into her mouth where she eagerly met it with her own. Her hands went around his neck and played with his short blonde hair. She was always a hair person and blonde had always been her thing even though she had never gotten to be with one. Clary felt the cool metal ring in his bottom lip move and slide across her own lips and that filled her body with another wave of heat. Clary didn't feel much in the way of emotions lately but right now she felt lust and desire and she wanted to be consumed by it.

Clary took a step back and Jonathan followed without breaking contact. She slid slowly down to the floor and he followed along with her until they were both lying on top of her mattress. His body was heavy against hers and pinned her to the mattress as his hands moved down her body. She whimpered at his touch loving the way he worshiped her.

His hands found their way to the bare exposed skin of her stomach and he played with her bellybutton ring, tickling and pulling at it making Clary bite her own lip. He was driving her crazy and she couldn't get enough of his touch. She reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it swiftly over his head. She took just a moment to marvel at his bare chest which was perfectly sculpted as if made of marble. She slowly moved a flattened hand across his chest and down his abs while his hand crept up ever so slowly.

He found the bottom of her tiny shirt and pushed it upwards until her breasts were bared to him. Clary was happy for a moment that she had not been able to wear a bra with this particular shirt but she suddenly felt a wave of unease and wanted to cover herself and send him from the room. Her doubts were quickly forgotten as he slid his hands over her, warming the soft skin as he kneaded her with expertise. It had been so long since she had been touched like this. Clary threw her head back and groaned.

Jonathan stopped and took her shirt by the hem and pulled it off her body. Clary raised her hands in the air to assist. Once her shirt was off she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his body close to hers. She brought his lips to hers and bit the ring on his bottom lip and pulled slightly eliciting a low growl from him which was all it took to make him go a little rougher.

He grabbed one of her legs and pulled it around his hips while he started to grind into her. Clary was out of her mind, completely absorbed by the sensations, never wanting them to stop. Her hands weaved down to his jeans where she made quick work of the button and began to push them down. Jonathan seemed to slow slightly and just watch as she rid him of his pants and boxers. His erection sprang free, and while it wasn't quite as big as her ex that was nothing to complain about. There is such a thing as too big, too big hurt and she wanted nothing but pleasure.

Clary wrapped her hands around him firmly and he closed his eyes as she moved up and down slowly. She was only teasing him lightly, he was here because she was going to take from him, not give. While she had a firm grasp he inched his fingers up between her legs and moved the thin fabric of her underwear to the side before plunging in. This was what she had been looking for. Clary all but completely stopped touching him as she let his fingers work her over.

It was good but it wasn't enough. She needed more, she needed all of him. She hooked her fingers into her skirt making sure to grab the thin strings of her underwear and lifted her hips slightly as she began to pull them down. Jonathan stopped what he was doing and retracted his fingers to let the material slide down her legs. Once they were both completely naked he stopped for a moment and just took in the sight of her which made her want to run and hide but instead she laid there frozen with a horrifying type of terror.

Jonathan was oblivious to her change in mood and returned his lips to hers. Clary was much more hesitant and fought with herself to just keep going. _I want this_. She repeated in her head over and over. "Do you have a condom?" She asked as they surfaced for air.

Jonathan sat back and looked around for his pants. He dug in a pocket for his wallet and opened it but produced nothing. He looked to Clary with a defeated expression.

"I think I might have one." Clary said quickly. She didn't really think she did, but if so it would be in her car. "Stay here." She said quickly as she hopped up and went to her closet and grabbed a large t-shirt which she threw over her naked body before disappearing through the door.

Clary ran downstairs quickly. All the lights were off in the house which meant that everyone had decided to go home already. Then again she didn't really know what time it was or how long she had been up there with him. She crossed through and went for the front door and stopped suddenly with her hand on the knob. She had seen something move out of the corner of her eye.

Clary looked over and Jace was sitting in a chair with her guitar in his lap. There wasn't a single light on but the slight glow of the moon shone through the window he sat by, illuminating his golden hair which was flopped into his face hiding most of his features.

"Hey." Clary said softly. She could tell he was looking at her but she couldn't tell much else.

"Hey." He said back, his tone instantly broke her heart it was so sad.

"I haven't slept with him." Clary blurted out quickly. _Yet. _Being the unspoken word. Why was she even saying this to him? Why had he even stayed? Usually he slept in her room but clearly with another man up there it would be a bit crowded. Clary had figured he would have gone home with Alec. Why would he stay?

"MMmm" Jace grunted as he looked back down to the guitar, a curtain of hair completely closing him off. He started strumming slowly making an eerie noise that filled the otherwise silent room.

Clary's hand was still on the door and she hesitated a moment long before turning and running quickly out to her car, She searched around frantically and came up empty handed. She didn't really want to be bent over looking around in her car in the middle of the night with nothing more than a t-shirt on so she straightened up and slammed the door closed before running back into the house.

She looked back over to where Jace was and he was still strumming the guitar slowly, he didn't even bother to look up as she came back into the house. Clary bit her lip and felt a strange sensation run through her. It wasn't a happy feeling and she didn't like it what-so-ever. Clary shook her head and tried to clear it but it was no use.

Clary walked back upstairs slowly, having lost much of the excitement from earlier. Clary opened the door to her room slowly and Jonathan was sitting on her bed with his boxers on. From the depreciated size of his bulge she could tell he had lost some of his vigor as well. Clary joined him on the bed, with a slight renew in purpose. Of course they couldn't have sex without protection and she wasn't going to go and bother Izzy for one, but she didn't want to feel quite so rejected either.

"I couldn't find one but that doesn't mean we can't have some more fun together." Clary said playfully as she went to kiss him. He returned her kiss but only out of politeness and Clary could tell the entire dynamic had changed. "Come on." Clary mused as she rubbed him through his boxers.

Jonathan tried to get back into it but no matter what Clary did he just wouldn't get hard again. Clary felt frustrated and undesirable. She felt rejected and that she suddenly realized was worse than feeling alone. Clary huffed and stopped, lying down on the bed with her hand over her eyes. She felt a stinging pain like she wanted to cry but refused to let herself.

"I'm sorry." Jonathan said lightly brushing smoothing a lock of her red hair behind one of her ears. He inhaled deeply and then let it out slowly. "I should have told you….I have a girlfriend."

Clary let the words sink in. Under normal circumstances and with a normal person Clary should have felt angry or disgusted. Jonathan was the epitome of everything that she hated in men. She knew the sting of being the loving girlfriend sitting home and waiting for a call from the one she considered the love of her life, the completion of her soul all the while he was off fucking someone else behind her back. Maybe that loss was what had snapped her completely, maybe that was just the last straw on top of all the other shit that had broke her mind and soul. Clary wasn't angry with Jonathan, she found the revelation to rekindle exactly how much she had lost and now she thought she knew what she needed to do to get it back. She wanted her "power" back and after all you take an eye for an eye, a hand for a hand.

"Yeah.." She said slowly, looking off to the hat still hanging on her windowsill. "I kinda have someone too."


	3. Chapter 3

**All I can say is I seriously am loving all the reviews. I check my phone at least every hour to see if I have a new one. Because of all your reviews I am posting yet another chapter, that's one a day so far. This chapter you get a little more back story on Clary, but trust me she has a lot in her past that you don't know, even after this. Please let me hear from you, I want to know what you thinking. And also a little fun, let me know what you think Jace is thinking!**

* * *

Say, "Can you help me?" right before the fall  
Take what you can and leave me to the wolves

Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed  
Why try swimming? I'm drowning in fable  
You're not that saint that you externalize  
You're not anything at all

Seether – Words as Weapons

* * *

Jonathan had left then and Clary curled up in her bed in the fetal position. She wondered if Jace was still awake and would see Jonathan leaving. She silently hoped that he would come up to bed. She didn't like sleeping alone. She pulled the blankets snug over herself and let the weight comfort her. She let herself drift into oblivion wondering if the nightmares would plague her tonight.

Clary was awoken by Izzy pounding on her door. Clary grumbled and got up to open the door so she would stop.

"So?" Izzy asked excitedly as she looked around Clary's room.

"We didn't have a condom so we didn't." Clary grumbled as she shuffled past Izzy and headed for the bathroom. Clary could hear Izzy following her. Clary shut the door to have a moment of privacy but Izzy stayed on the other side of the door, clearly not finished with the conversation.

"You know I have plenty, all you had to do was knock." Izzy yelled through the door.

Clary rolled her eyes even though Izzy couldn't see it. "I was not about to interrupt when you were busy." Clary said as she opened the bathroom door and headed back to her room, she really needed to find some pants or at least some underwear.

"Was he small?" Izzy asked as she followed.

Clary disappeared into her room, ignoring Izzy's question on her search for pants. She found a small pair of shorts which would work just as well and pulled them on quickly and secured her hair quickly with a tie. She came out of her room and Izzy was still there, waiting for an answer.

"No he wasn't small Iz. We didn't have a condom and I'm not really looking forward to having a kid at 19 so we just messed around and then he left." Clary said hoping that would be enough to placate Izzy, but apparently she wanted to talk some more as she followed Clary down the stairs.

"Well tonight you need to go out and buy yourself some condoms so next week this doesn't happen again. Did you get his number? Maybe you can call him back over tonight." Izzy kept talking as Clary headed down the stairs in silence. She could really use a cup of coffee, and a cigarette, definitely a cigarette.

Clary rounded the corner heading for the kitchen and she stopped immediately as she saw Jace in the kitchen stirring a cup of coffee. Jace didn't drink coffee, Izzy didn't drink coffee, Clary was the only one that did. Clary just stared; she had thought for sure Jace would have left, especially since he never came up last night. Jace just walked over and handed her the cup without a word.

Clary smiled apologetically, she didn't quite know what she wanted to apologize for but she felt like she needed to anyway. She took a sip and couldn't help her groan of satisfaction. Jace was better at making her coffee than even she was. She saw the ends of Jace's lips perk up into a small smile and that made her smile into her coffee before taking another sip. Clary glanced at the front door and Jace led the way.

He opened the front door for her and she stepped out into the morning sun. She really loved the summer; you could walk out your door and not feel cold. Clary hated feeling cold. She stood, unmoving, looking at the two chairs that sat on the porch. There was a small table between them and resting on the table was her small ashtray. Clary had always sat in the left chair; she always sat on Jace's lap. She wondered if this morning would be the same or if it would be different. She didn't want it to be different but she felt like it was.

Jace went and sat in the left chair as he always had, and opened his arms wide signaling he was ready for her to climb on top. Clary wasted no time and set her coffee on the table and curled up in his lap as she had done many times before. His arms wrapped around her as if to keep her from falling, but there never was any threat of that as they seemed to fit together perfectly. Clary rested her head against his shoulder for just a second. Usually she was lighting a cigarette by now but as much as she wanted a smoke she needed to know that everything was fine between them.

Her ear rested on his chest and she heard the steady _thud, thud, thud _of his beating heart. Jace didn't say a word but he hugged her tighter a played with a lose strand of hair that had fallen from her messy up-do. Clary stole a moment longer before she realized how selfish she was being. She wasn't blind. She knew he loved her even though he never said it or made any sort of move toward her. She knew that she loved him with every fiber of her being, but she had no idea what kind of love it was. Not that it really mattered. She wouldn't be with him, couldn't be with him. She didn't want a relationship. She didn't want to be a good girl like she had always been. He was too good for her, too honest, too kind, and too perfect. She wouldn't be the thing that ruined him. She knew she loved him too much to do that. But she was too selfish to push him away either. So for now it worked; he loved her and stayed with her, chasing away the nightmares.

Clary sat up and took a cigarette from the pack and looked at how many she had remaining. Over half a pack, that would be able to get her through the day. She was thankful for that; she didn't work the restaurant until tomorrow so she wouldn't have any cash until then. She brought the cigarette to her lips and Jace lit the lighter, holding it up in front of her. She tipped her head forward and inhaled. He always knew when to kill the lighter, not too soon as she sort of sucked at lighting cigarettes, but not too late where it was like he was making fun of her either. No one else had ever gotten her like Jace.

Clary took as big of a drag as she could, fully taking the smoke into her lungs and holding it there for a second before exhaling slowly out her nose. She felt a slight prickly feeling, something that was rare considering how much she smoked. She took in another deep inhale before passing the cigarette into Jace's fingers. She was going to actively try to remember "puff, puff, pass" today.

"Soooo…" Clary started, not knowing if she would be ruining her perfect moment by bringing up last night, but she didn't want it to go unspoken either. That would drive her nuts. "Last night…"

"Jonathan left in a hurry." Jace said slowly, passing the cigarette back.

"Yeah, that didn't exactly go as planned." Clary looked away while she said it, not really wanting to see the look in Jace's eyes.

"What was the plan?" Jace asked with a slight edge to his voice. Clary felt his body tense beneath her.

"Well, I was sort of thinking, about trying a one night stand." Clary stammered out. She held the cigarette out for Jace to take and she looked in his eyes, she was curious as to his reaction.

Jace looked what Clary could have guessed to be confused. He took the cigarette and inhaled, holding the smoke in for a moment. Clary was dying to hear what he had to say. His exhale was just as slow and Clary was beginning to feel like something was eating away at the pit of her stomach.

"So you chose Jonathan?" Jace said, his voice a little lighter than she had been expecting.

"Well after Sebastian I'm just really not ready for a relationship, and you know how I have been struggling with things and working 3 jobs. I just thought it might be good for me to go out and make mistakes and not care. Jonathan just seemed, well, he seemed like he would be good for that." Clary rambled a little nervously.

Jace considered her words and then he broke out laughing which shook Clary's whole body making her laugh along with him. "Yeah Jonathan would be a pretty good person for that. I was worried you were looking for a boyfriend, like you thought he was "the one" or something." Jace laughed out.

"No, no, no. I just wanted sex." Clary said happily, but Jace's laughter stopped, a little too suddenly and Clary was back to feeling uneasy again.

"So did you? End up having sex that is." Jace asked avoiding her gaze this time.

"No." Clary said softly.

Jace's head perked back up and looked Clary intently in the eyes. "No?" He repeated.

Clary shifted her gaze around; there was no way she would be able to answer his question with him looking at her like that. "We didn't have a condom, then he went all soft, and he couldn't get hard again, and then he told me he had a girlfriend." She said putting the cigarette out and then grabbing for her cup of coffee. Anything as an excuse not to look at Jace while she said it. She could feel her cheeks heating and she knew she had to have been blushing.

"Yeah like I said before, not really boyfriend material. Even to the girl that he is the boyfriend to. He's pretty much a jackass. The girl he's with, they have been on-again off-again since high school. He cheats on her all the time, and she's "so in love" with him that she won't leave him and every time he tries to leave her she threatens suicide or some shit. It's all pretty fucked up actually. So he sleeps around, she doesn't complain as long as she gets hers too and that's how his life works." Jace said which sent Clary's head spinning.

"So he cheats on her all the time?" She asked with a furrowed brow.

"Yeah, technically. I mean he doesn't even want to be with her, but he feels kind of stuck." Jace said shrugging his shoulders.

Clary stood up, allowing for Jace to stand too. "You work today right?" She said to Jace who was cracking his back expertly.

"Yeah, I'm gonna have to go here in a bit to get ready." Jace said while heading to the door to hold it open for her. Clary just nodded as she walked in.

Jace left and went to get ready for work. He only lived down the street from Clary and Izzy's house so he just walked over whenever he wanted. Izzy had to go to work too so before she knew it, Clary was home all alone. Clary tried never to work on Wednesday nights or Thursday mornings that way club night was in the clear and then she could sleep in if she wanted to. By some miracle she had landed the entire day off, which was almost completely unheard of since she worked at 3 different places.

Clary would have the whole day to herself and that was the worst thing that could possibly have happened. Clary was not very good at being left alone. Alone was when she started thinking, alone was when she did things that were bad. Today was a terrible day to be left alone. Clary headed up to her room where she shut the door and curled up under her blankets.

So Jonathan had a girlfriend, but he cheated on her all the time. So what was with him going all soft last night? Clary had thought it was a guilty conscious come to haunt him, but apparently that wasn't the case. She guessed he just decided that he didn't want her after all. And that thought right there made Clary depressed. Well she already was depressed but that made her false bubble of happiness burst. She grabbed her phone and did something stupid. She text Sebastian. He had ruined her, but he was the only person that had ever really at least acted like he loved her.

**I miss you **she typed and hit send before she could think about it. Clary put her phone down and curled up into the smallest ball she could think of and lost herself to her dark thoughts.

* * *

It had been the weekend after Thanksgiving. Clary was 17, going on 18 in the matter of almost a month. She had moved in with her dad a year ago, her junior year. She had been waiting all her life to leave her mother and live with her father, and finally she had the opportunity and she took it. Living with her dad hasn't been the joy she had hoped for. He was constantly never there, between work and looking for a special lady to share his life with, Clary was always alone. Many of her friends had dropped her once she moved, the distance proving a bit too much for them. She was only an hour away and she had a car but that hadn't seemed to matter even to those she had thought were her best friends.

She hadn't had a hard time finding new friends at her new school, but she hadn't had much time to grow close with them either. She had been so excited to get the invitation to the "Thanksgiving of Friends" some annual tradition they had done. It was always held after the real Thanksgiving, and it was only for kids, the parents of her friend would lend the house out for their special feast. Everyone was expected to bring something, mashed potatoes with purple food coloring, or an uncooked can of peas as an example.

All the food would be lined up on long tables that stretched from the kitchen down through the hall into the living room. Clary had been so excited to get an invitation, but when the party actually came Clary nearly didn't go. She was a wreck. She had been raped, at a party a few weeks prior. Some asshole held her down by her neck while his friend sat on a chair propped up against the door so even as she screamed no one could come to her rescue. Clary didn't feel much like going to parties anymore.

But somehow, someway, her friends talked her into coming. These weren't the same friends from the party before. They assured her this would be nothing like that. They said they would stay by her all night to make sure nothing like that happened again. So Clary had gone to the "Thanksgiving of Friends."

Clary was quiet and shy; she brought a traditional dish of green bean casserole. She hadn't known this dinner was anything but traditional. Clary sat down for dinner and colorful plates and concoctions were all around her, she worried how edible some of them were. It almost looked like the whole dinner was made of colorful playdough. Before everyone was allowed to dig in, they went around the table proclaiming what they were thankful for.

A whole unsupervised house of teenagers meant that "masturbation" was the most commonly given answer. When it was Clary's turn she honestly didn't know what she had to be thankful for, or at least not something that she could say out-loud. This was supposed to be a fun and festive dinner, and she didn't want to bring everyone else down, but she wasn't feeling particularly thankful for anything.

"I am thankful.." She began, trying to remember to breathe, "for my wonderful new friends that convinced me to come out tonight." She said with a single exhale. There was slight clapping at her answer as was with most and then the person sitting to her right began with their speech of thanks.

After the dinner was the real party. A giant fire was lit out in the back yard, a live band that consisted of high school students began to play in the garage. Clary took a stance by the fire and refused to move from that spot. There were plenty of people around and the area was open and well lit by the fire. She felt safest here.

That was where she spent the rest of the party, safely being warmed by the fire while everyone else ran around having fun. Her friend that had convinced her to come to the party came and checked on her every now and then, but Clary had insisted she was fine, that she didn't need a guard.

"You need to loosen up and have a little fun." Her friend had said to her one of the times she had been checked up on. "I know what happened to you and it sucks, like sucks balls. But you can't let him win."

Clary looked at her friend like she had grown a third head, completely bypassing a second. "What?' Clary half whispered.

"Don't let him win. Don't let him take away who you are. I get you're scared but you have to get back out there and enjoy life again. Don't let yourself be a victim, be a survivor." She said and then walked away.

Clary had spent the last few weeks hiding in her closet at night just to be able to doze off to sleep. She barely went to class, she had barely eaten. She was always afraid, always looking over her shoulder. But the words her friend had said struck a chord. Clary had been through a lot growing up, more than most went through their entire lives. This was just another thing trying to beat her down. Clary had never given up before, well she had, but she had gotten through it. Clary needed to stand tall and get over this too. She knew it wouldn't be that easy, but there was a saying, "fake it until you make it," and that was what Clary had planned on doing.

Clary's attention went back to the flickering flames of the fire and she started to pay attention to the conversations. That would be her only way to get back into things was to begin to talk to people again. She needed to rejoin the living.

"That's why men suck at everything." She heard from a strange girl standing to the right of the strange boy to her right.

"Are you kidding me? Women are the ones that suck, or at least it's the good ones that do." Clary said with a smile looking directly at the guy to her right. She had never seen him around before, not at school or any of the football games. He was attractive with floppy dark black hair.

He looked completely stunned. Clary had no idea how long he had been standing next to her, but she clearly had his attention now. The girl to his right tried to say something to get the attention back on her again, but the new boy never even turned back her way.

"Hi, I'm Sebastian." He said with a smile and an outstretched hand.

* * *

Clary was started from her memory by the beeping of her phone. She had a new text message. It was from Sebastian. **I miss you too. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Oh the reviews, you guys are seriously awesome. So keep the reviews coming and I'll keep the chapters coming for as long as I can. This isn't incredibly easy to write but I can't seem to stop either. In regards to some of the reviews from a guest account. It seems as though some people would like a chapter from Jace's POV and at this time that's not going to happen. Clary's really messed up, you get to see a lot more of that this chapter, and this is all from her eyes so you only know what she knows and how she perceives things which can be very wrong at times. But it's important for the story for now at least. You get to see a little sneak with Dr. Amatis that isn't from Clary's perspective, but these are all things Clary already knows about herself. **

* * *

It's hiding in the dark  
It's teeth are razor sharp  
There's no escape for me  
It wants my soul,  
It wants my heart

No one can hear me scream  
Maybe it's just a dream  
Or maybe it's inside of me

Skillet - Monster

* * *

Clary looked at her phone and her stomach bottomed out. Why did she text him? Why did he text back? _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. To her terror her phone beeped again, and now she was shaking. She looked down to the message. **Can I call you?**

Fuck, now she knew she really shouldn't have text him. They had text each other a few times since they broke up, but mostly it was in the beginning. He hadn't bothered her since she said she was going to spend the night at her ex's. Sebastian had called insistently that night, leaving nasty message after message, calling her a whore, a slut, that she was probably fucking him right now.

Clary had never even bothered to respond after that. Her trips to Dr. Amatis, her head doctor, had really begun to help now that she was being more honest for once and Clary had been able to resist doing what he commanded. But right now, Clary had gone AWOL from seeing Amatis in the past few months and she had not been practicing her coping skills. So when Sebastian asked if he could call her, Clary couldn't help but tell him yes even though she wanted so badly to scream no.

He must have been waiting for her response because as soon as she text yes her phone started to ring. She had never changed his ringtone and the sound of that song sent shivers through her spine. She wanted to throw up, she wanted to hide. She felt like another panic attack was coming. She answered the phone like the masochist she is and held it up to her ear through shaky movements.

"Hello?" She asked. She felt like she was under water and drowning.

"Hey baby." His voice flowed from the speaker. A wave of both calm and unease took over her. She felt herself going in what she called default mode and she was thankful for it. Default mode wasn't powerless against anything Sebastian told her to do, but default mode was a bitch, like a super narcissistic, greedy bitch. The problem with default mode was once Clary went in; it was really hard to come back out.

Clary's body stopped shaking and her voice leveled out to an eerie calm. "Did you need something?" She asked her tone harsh.

"Just been thinking a lot about you lately baby. Then suddenly my phone goes off and it's my little angel saying she missed me." Clary could hear his smile through his tone.

"Oh fun. Guess I have good timing. Just wanted to see what you have been up to lately. How's your dead sister?" Clary sneered through the phone.

She heard a sharp intake of breath from the other side. "I was just trying to get your attention." He snapped back, it was a tone he used to use to make her cower and become complacent. It didn't work on default mode; he had helped to turn her into this monster. This monster that no one wanted.

"I didn't realize pretending your sister died was now an acceptable way to get attention." Clary chirped back. She smiled as she heard him struggle for words.

"I didn't call you to get into a pissing match. I take it you're not in a good mood right now." He said finally, softening his voice. He was trying to pull her back in, she could feel it.

"Actually I went to the club last night. I brought home this super hot blonde; we were barely in the door when I brought him up to my room. Man that boy's fingers were enough to make me scream." Clary said with the widest smile.

"Whore." He said and then hung up the phone.

Clary was still smiling as she turned off her phone. But too soon after her smile started to slip from her from her face and she went back to blank. She shouldn't have text him in the first place. It was so stupid of her. The only thing she could thank her lucky stars for was that Sebastian didn't live in New York like she did; he lived all the way in California and couldn't just make a surprise visit.

Clary felt herself begin to shake. She had pushed herself too far this time. She felt the thoughts as they began to swirl around her head. It felt like she couldn't breathe, as the air was coming in at short gasps. Clary needed to move, now! She crawled through her room on her hands and knees, finally reaching her closet. She pulled the door open and crawled in. She backed herself into the small back corner. Clary sat and curled herself into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth. She was muttering again, always the same. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone."

Clary came out of it eventually. She always did. She had no idea how long she had been in the closet. She had no idea how late it was. She came out of the closet slightly shaking. There was a lot of light coming through her window so at least it was still day. She grabbed her phone and turned it on, it was just after noon. She wished Izzy was here. She needed an appointment with Dr. Amatis, but making appointments was another thing likely to send her into a panic attack, but she really needed to see her.

She punched the number in quickly and put the phone to her ear. She couldn't wait another day; she needed to get in now. "I need to see Dr. Amatis immediately. It's an emergency. Clarissa Morgenstern. Yes, I'm leaving now." She said quickly and then pulled on some more appropriate clothing. She ran into the bathroom and took a quick look in the mirror. She shuttered at her reflection, she had not showered or taken off her make-up from last night which was now smeared all around her face like a bad Halloween mask. She couldn't believe that Jace had just sat with her this morning with her looking like this. She took off her make-up and washed up quickly then grabbed her keys and headed out the door.

She hadn't been in to see Dr. Amatis in a few months. She should have been going to regular appointments. But it was too hard to find time with all her jobs. Maybe she just wanted to convince herself that she was fine. Ha! That was a laughable thought, she knew she wasn't fine.

Clary sat in the waiting room nervously twisting around her bracelets. She hoped she wouldn't have to wait too long. Clary briefly wondered who must have given up their appointment for her sudden "emergency."

* * *

Dr. Amatis was in her office and she pulled the file for her "emergency appointment." The name didn't quite register but once she opened the file she knew immediately who was waiting out in the office for her. Clarissa, or Clary as she preferred, had been coming in off and on for around 9 months. Her father was another patient, but the differences between them were remarkable.

Clarissa was diagnosed with extreme bi-polar depression, dissociative disorder, anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Most of this stemmed from her abusing childhood where she had been sexually abused by her step-father, verbally abused and neglected by her mother. Clarissa had multiple suicide attempts and tendency toward self-harm. If she had called saying it was an emergency then Amatis needed to see her.

* * *

"Clary, it's good to see you." Amatis said as she opened the door to the waiting room.

Clary grabbed her purse and stood, crossing the room and going through the door and down the hall to where Amatis' patient room was. Clary waited from Amatis to open the door and then Clary slid in and headed for her chair. There were plenty of seating options in the room, but Clary always preferred the chair, it made her feel more like an equal.

"So what's going on?" Amatis said as she sat herself behind the desk.

Clary was spinning her bracelets again. She didn't exactly know how to start, or where to start. "I had another panic attack." She said avoiding looking at her while she talked.

"Have you been having them often?" Amatis asked as she made little notes on her notepad.

"Not as bad as when Sebastian and I first split. But I still have around one a week." Clary said finding her bracelet very fascinating.

"Have you been taking your medicine when they happen?" Amatis asked softly.

"No." Clary said ashamed.

"Do you know why you don't want to take them?"

Clary looked up for this answer. "They give me freaking amnesia! I take a pill and 30 minutes later I don't remember shit."

Amatis nodded her head. "Yes, that is a purposeful effect of the medication. They are designed to take when you first feel a panic attack coming on and the amnesia is temporary to help you get through the moment without having an attack."

"I know." Clary said while looking down again.

"So do you know what brought on this latest panic attack?" Amatis said knowingly changing the subject.

"I talked to Sebastian." Clary said quietly, suddenly finding her bracelets very interesting again.

Amatis wrote furiously on her little notepad. "I'm guessing that didn't go over so well." She said once she stopped writing.

"As soon as I heard his voice I went default mode." Clary said still looking down.

"Clary." Amatis said gently and Clary looked up to see what she had to say. "We have talked about this before. It's part of your dissociative disorder. You spent so many years of your childhood pushing down all the negative feelings that in doing so you pushed down the good too. You are very close to not being able to feel any emotions at all. This "default" mode, as you call it, is just that. Right now you need to focus on you. I wouldn't recommend any serious relationship until you have a handle on who you are as a person. Sebastian was very controlling and mixed with your history puts you in a vulnerable place right now. It would be very easy for you to attach onto the wrong person and have them dictate who you are again. You need to go out and have fun, figure out who you are. You need to be comfortable in your own company before you consider getting into another serious relationship."

Clary nodded her head. They had talked about this before when Clary had first left Sebastian and she had brought Izzy along with her to see Dr. Amatis. Dr. Amatis had told Izzy to take Clary out, take her to a party, get her out of the house and doing things.

"Thanks again for seeing me on such short notice." Clary said as she grabbed her purse and moved to standing. She headed for the door and was stopped.

"Oh and Clary, one more thing, remember when you start to let the emotions back in it's a all or nothing kind of deal. We can't chose which emotions we want to feel, you're going to get the good with the bad and it can be a long process. I would suggest you schedule regular appointments and let me help you through this process. It can be…overwhelming."

Clary just nodded again and thanked her for her advice. She opened the door and left, bypassing the scheduling desk and running straight for her car. She sat down in the driver's seat and took a deep breath. It was all the same things as she had heard before. She same advise in different words. She needed to figure out who she was not what Sebastian had told her she needed to be. She needed to go out and have fun, live her life but no relationships. No steady ones at least. Clary couldn't let herself get attached or they would form her like Sebastian had. Casual sex, nothing more.

Clary looked at the clock and smiled. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. She put the keys in the ignition and took off. She would have just enough time to get there before her break.

She pulled in and parked the car, shutting off the engine and racing out of the car. This is what she needed to make her shitty day better. She liked to surprise him on his breaks whenever she got the chance, which wasn't too often with the way she worked. She headed for the doors of the large local superstore. He worked in the paint department which was a good thing, it was almost always empty.

She went first to the mixing counter but he wasn't there so she began to walk randomly down the nearby isles looking for his tell-tale hair. She continued to walk around aimlessly when she heard a voice from behind her.

"Hey, I know that tattoo." Clary turned around quickly and saw exactly who she was looking for, Jace. Clary had a tattoo of an angel on her back in between her shoulder blades. Sebastian had forbidden tattoo's and once they split it was one of the first things Clary went out and did, it was her own permanent "fuck you" to him.

Clary did a little squeal and then ran for him, straight into his open arms. There was nowhere else she wanted to be. One minute with him was better than an entire hour with Dr. Amatis. She pulled back slightly and smirked. .

"Good, I was hoping someone would be able to help me." She said donning a fake professional voice.

One of Jace's eyebrows hitched. "Were you looking to paint one of your rooms?"

"Actually I was looking for an associate. See, he usually goes on break about this time. Utterly gorgeous. Have you seen him around?" Clary asked with a sly smile.

"You know, I know exactly who you are talking about. Trouble is I saw him leave here just a few minutes ago with this smoking red-head. Man I almost asked for her number too." Jace said biting down on his bottom lip to keep from smiling.

Clary pretended to pout.

"If you want, I was just about to go on break. Maybe I could help you find him." Jace said and Clary smiled.

"What are you waiting for, go clock out dork." Clary said giving him a light push in the arm.

Jace smiled and walked backwards for a minute before turning and jogging to the back where his punch out card was. It only took him a minute before he was back, wrapping his arm around Clary's shoulders as he lead her through the front door.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews so far, I'd have to say I've become completely and totally addicted to them it's shameful. So I took a slight break for the weekend since it's been busy but here is the next chapter, it bounces around a bit and goes through a lot more time than the past chapters have. I hope you enjoy and I look forward to the next chapter... it's gonna be a good one...**

* * *

We can't both become the same pawn  
That's made to fall  
Oil that tastes like  
Blood stole the summer scent  
From me to you  
You're stabbing me through you  
You're stabbing you through him

Chevelle - Jars

* * *

Clary walked with Jace into the parking lot, heading for her car. She went right for the driver's side and held up her keys. "Where to?" She asked Jace who had gone around to the passenger's side.

"Actually I was hoping to drive." Jace said with a smile. Clary tossed her keys across the car and Jace caught them with ease. Jace looked at the keys and then threw them back to Clary who caught them with less finesse. Clary looked confused.

"I was actually hoping to drive the bike." Jace said with a smirk that made Clary want to melt.

"You brought her?" Clary said with what she knew was a dumbfounded look. "How's she running?"

"Come and see." Jace had bought the bike a few months back, it was used and needed a little love. Jace worked on her any time he wasn't working or with Clary. She always knew because he said he was with his "one true love." Jace walked toward the back of the parking lot and Clary followed.

The bike was looking amazing. It was an older model Harley but Jace had done a good job of shining her up like new. Jace threw a helmet at Clary and then took his own, putting it on over his long hair. Clary realized he had planned this, unless he had meant to bring someone else home with him after work. Clary stopped her train of thought; she was beginning to feel her blood get hot.

Jace swung his leg around the seat with expertise and started the engine. It purred much better than it had the last time Clary had heard it start. Jace really had put a lot of work into it. Clary smiled and pulled her own helmet on and climbed on the back of the motorcycle, wrapping her arms tightly around Jace's waist. Her father had ridden bikes when she was little abd some of her fondest memories were on the back of a motorcycle. She knew how to ride just fine but she still held on to Jace a little tighter than she needed too. Being close to him just felt right.

Jace took off a little faster than he needed to and Clary's group tightened a little more. She could feel rather than hear his laughter. Clary closed get eyes and just enjoyed the ride, the wind sweeping across her body as she held Jace close. If she could live in this moment forever she would die happy. But like life, the good moments are over too quickly and soon Clary felt the bike slowing down and eventually come to a stop.

Clary Sat up and opened her eyes. She had to take off her helmet to get a better look. She had lived in the city for several months now but she had never been here before. Jace had brought her to an overpass but they were at the base of it where a small stream flowed. It was almost like being back in a rural area. Jace took off his helmet but stayed sitting on his bike, biting his lip while he watched Clary. She took a few steps forward tentatively, if she tried she could almost drown out the city noise.

Jace got off the bike swiftly and came up bedside Clary, weaving his fingers in with hers. They walked in silence with Jace leading the way. He took then under the overpass right next to the edge of the water, there was a small cove of rocks for a bank with the bridge rubbing over head. There was some graffiti coloring the underside of the bridge but it was almost like home. Jace sat down on the rocky shore and Clary followed, sitting next to him, their shoulders touching.

They were silent sitting next to each other for a few moments, Clary just staring at the water wishing it was deep enough for fish. Clary broke herself from her reprieve, "This place is really neat and I wish we could stay longer but your breaks aren't that long and we still need to find you some food." She said looking over to Jace who was not even looking at the small stream. It was clear he has been watching her the entire time.

"Yeah, actually about that.." Jace said while looking down. "I don't exactly have to go back to work tonight."

"What?" Asked Clary getting up from the bank quickly. "Did you get in trouble? It wasn't me was it?" She liked to come and visit him while he was at work but she always tried to be careful to come around break time and never to be super close with him while he was still clocked in.

"Oh no, no, no, nothing like that. I worked over a little earlier in the week so when I went to clock out for break I asked if I could just go home for the day. Don't worry I'm not in any trouble, they would rather I leave now when it's slow than to have to pay me the overtime." Jace explained quickly.

"Oh." Clary said and coming back slowly to sit next to Jace again. "I just didn't want you in trouble because of me or anything."

"If they wanted to even try to say shit about you I would tell them to cram it up their own ass so fast." Jace muttered, but it was loud enough for Clary to hear. She looked over to Jace and he smiled.

"So what do you want to do with your newly freed time off?" Clary asked kicking a small stone around.

"Spend time with you." Jace said simply as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

* * *

The days this week seemed to be dragging by slower. The weekend came and went for Clary, and utterly kicked her ass but she was grateful to have a little more money in her pocket than she usually had. The weekends were mostly saved for working at the restaurant; it was a busy upscale place where Clary was a hostess and busser. On the weekends she preferred to bus, less contact with people and she liked it perfectly well that way. Plus Simon was always her bussing partner and he made the time a bit more enjoyable.

Simon was quickly becoming her best friend. She had met him when she first started working at the restaurant; he was her trainer, which was slightly awkward considering he was younger than her. At least it was only by a few months, but his entire demeanor seemed to be much more free spirited and overall…younger. But to be around him was infectious; he had short dark hair and glasses. He loved to talk about movies and video games which helped to pass the time when it was slow. Not to mention he was way better to be around than the snobby girls that usually worked there. Clary swore the managers must hire based solely on looks.

It was Simon's hat that Clary had hung on her windowsill; she had ruthlessly stolen it from him and refused to give it back. It was her way of trying to convince him he needed to come over to her house to get it, but in secret she sort of loved wearing the hat too, and Clary was not a hat person. Simon was nice, and sweet, and cute in a boyish way. He was everything that Clary usually stayed away from and everything that she knew she should be looking for. For now he made for a great friend and a great co-worker and for some reason she felt compelled to tell him everything. And by everything she seriously meant everything. She was honest with him even more so than she was with Jace because she could talk to Simon about Jace.

"So how was goth night?" Simon asked as Clary had clocked in. He always asked and so far her stories had been pretty lame but there was plenty to tell him about this one.

"So the guy went soft and took off?" Simon asked barely able to contain his laughter.

"Shut up." Clary said laughing a bit. It was the first time she had been able to laugh about it. She had made up her mind that it had been his loss, not hers, and next week she would bring someone home, or not, if _she_ wanted to.

"He must seriously have some issues." Simon said grabbing all the cups off the table at once. It still amazed Clary how much he could carry. All that was left for her to do was to wipe the table down.

"I guess so. So when are you coming with me to the club?" She asked him, she always asked him and he always said no.

"Soon." He said, and this time it was a first. Clary guessed they had actually broken through a barrier in their friendship where it could actually exist outside of just work.

"Cool, just let me know when you're ready." Clary said while spotting a new table that needed cleaned.

* * *

Clary only worked with Simon on the weekends, the rest of the week was split between all three of her jobs. She mostly worked at the restaurant, but the tiny checks she got were not even close to enough to support herself and while the cash tips were nice, they never seemed to be able to stretch very far. Before Clary had gotten the job at the restaurant she had worked only at a movie theater. There were some awesome perks that came along with that job such as the free movie tickets and popcorn but things with management had started to go downhill rather fast and they had cut back Clary's hours to the point where she needed to find another job. Clary's third job was fairly new and rather random. She also worked at the local ice-cream parlor. She had put an application in at the beginning of summer and randomly one day she got a call saying they wanted to interview her. She already had the two jobs but they only wanted her a few hours a week and it was close to her house so Clary figured why not?

After getting over the hump of the weekend where Clary stayed hair-splittingly busy, the rest of the week was on the upswing. Monday, two days until goth night, Tuesday, goth night was tomorrow, Wednesday, GOTH NIGHT!

This week was going to be a lot different than all the other times Clary had gone to the club. She had never gone without Izzy before so this would be a first as Izzy had gotten sucked into working the night shift and there was no way she could get out of it. Alec wasn't going either and Magnus said he had something to take care of so he wouldn't be making it either. It was just Clary and Jace, and there was no way that Clary would be missing goth night.

Clary stood in her closet for at least 10 minutes looking at the tiny stacks of clothes that she had brought from her dad's house. She needed something…different. Clary finally got frustrated and started just throwing her clothes around, putting a skirt up to a shirt and then tossing it to the side deciding that it didn't quite match the way she wanted it to. Clary bit her lip and tried to hold back her frustration. She wasn't sure if Jonathan would be at the club tonight but if he was she wanted to make sure that he regretted last week. It was an evil thing for her to think, but Clary found that she just didn't give a shit.

Clary finally found a shirt and when she held it up, she knew instantly what to pair it with. Clary took her time getting ready; she had learned a few tricks from Izzy and figured out a few on her own. She wasn't as polished and seamless as when Izzy helped to dress her but Clary felt so comfortable in what she was wearing, she felt sexy. Jace had been waiting downstairs watching TV while she was getting ready, there wasn't anything in particular that he was watching but it seemed to be more socially acceptable to sit on the couch with the TV on than to just sit in silence.

Clary came walking down the steps slowly, she had precariously high heels that she was comfortable in but she wasn't in a hurry to break her neck on the stairs either. Jace turned off the TV and sat up as he heard her coming but as she rounded the corner his jaw fell to the floor. This made Clary smile, clearly she was making a statement tonight which was exactly what she wanted to do.

Clary was wearing a mostly see through lace black dress, she was pretty sure it was actually lingerie rather than an actual dress meant to be worn out, but for goth night it was perfect. Lucky for Clary the dress had a built in bra so she wasn't worried about being exposed, the bottom had been the trickier part. She had found a pair of black boy short underwear which reminded her of the little shorts that cheerleaders wore. Clary wasn't exactly comfortable going out in just a thin and mostly see-through dress and a shamelessly small pair of underwear so she did the only thing she could think of to make it better, she put on a pair of hot pink and black striped tights. The effect was something a bit unorthodox and somewhat reminded Clary of a pink zebra that went running through a sex shop. She had done her make-up dramatically and had hot pink eye shadow to match her ridiculous stockings.

"Please don't tell me I look like a zebra or I swear I'm going straight upstairs to change." Clary said when Jace's jaw refused to come up from the floor.

Jace swallowed hard. "I was not going to say zebra." Jace said once he found his voice.

Clary raised one eyebrow at him. Jace stood up and crossed the room, his hand outstretched and toughed the hem of her lace dress. He seemed to consider the fabric with his fingers and Clary felt a slight shiver run through her spine. He released the hem and gloated down until he was in the middle of her thigh and then he gently touched the pink and black stripes covering her legs. Clary felt her blood go warm all over; it seemed to radiate from where he touched her. She looked up to meet his gaze; there was something so intriguing about his eyes, it was as if they were made from liquid gold. She couldn't find it in her to look away from his stare and suddenly his eyes got larger and larger as Clary realized his face was getting closer to hers. Clary suddenly felt panic coursing through her. _Why was he getting closer? Is he going to kiss me? He's never kissed me before. _Clary found she was completely stuck in place, utterly unable to move, but she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to move in the first place. But this wasn't what was supposed to happen, no serious relationships, no fucking up her best friend. He was too good for her; she would only destroy him as she had been destroyed. For her, to love was to destroy, and to be loved was to be destroyed.

At the last second, before his lips ghosted across her own his head turned until he tickled her ear with his breath. Clary released the breath she had been holding. "I was going to say you're going to have a hard time keeping everyone's hands off you tonight." Jace whispered in her ear making her shiver again. She seriously needed to get laid, she thought.

Jace backed up to look at her, and she smiled. "That's kind of the look I was going for. I'm bringing someone home tonight since last week went so poorly."

Jace gave a small curt smile, one that didn't reach his eyes that had seemed to have stopped swirling. "Well let's get going then." He said his tone dull.


	6. Chapter 6

**So I am very excited for this chapter as I said I would be last time. This is where things are going to start getting really interesting and there's gonna be some times when you will hate Clary. She would tell you that she's not a good person, but she's going to take a journey and she's going to come out from all of this very different than she went in. Also the reviews from last chapter melted my heart, and I did say if you kept the reviews coming I would keep the chapters coming for as long as I could, and my schedule for this week is surprisingly open so if you want more let me know, and I really wanna hear from you after this chapter, i want to know how you feel. It's my job to make you feel. Also please read through the words in the songs at the beginning of each chapter if you do not already. They are very important for each chapter and give you some insight, and not always to just Clary. **

* * *

Either way he wanted her and this was bad  
Wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy  
Now a little crush turned into a like  
And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her

I want to hold you close  
Skin pressed against me tight  
Lie still, and close your eyes girl  
So lovely, it feels so right

She Wants Revenge – Tear you Apart

* * *

Clary was glad summer was starting to kick in full force or there was no way she would be able to handle this outfit without a coat. Tonight was the perfect night and the air inside the club was thick and hot. Even though most of her group was not able to make it, the club seemed packed. Clary immediately rushed for the dance floor, she had a lot of pent up energy she was just dying to be rid of. It had been a hell of a week. Within the first few songs she found that she was more relaxed and feeling some kind of euphoric high that only going to the club seemed to give her.

She looked around for Jace and he was standing against the wall watching her with baited amusement. Clary suddenly felt very guilty, at least when the others came Jace had someone to talk to while he was standing there but right now he was all alone. Clary carefully planted each step but made her way swiftly to him and she saw both amusement and curiosity in his eyes.

"You look lonely." She said with a little pouty face as if to mock him.

He leaned in closer and she felt nervous again, like she had at the house. It was noisy in the club and they needed to be closer in order to hear, he had done this a thousand times before. Why now was it so different?

"If I was lonely it would only take a fraction of a second for me to get someone to entertain me. You don't have to worry." He said with seriousness that Clary didn't like.

"Come with me." She said, taking his hand in her own and pulling him away from the dance floor. She noticed plenty of women on her walk out, there was one wearing only a set of X's over her nipples, clearly made of electrical tape. Jace's hand pulled against her for a second when they passed the girl, Clary was pretty sure he was checking her out. Clary growled a little in her throat, and hoped that no one else heard it.

On the other side of a partial wall was the bar. Neither Clary nor Jace were old enough to drink so they rarely came over to this side, but it was quieter over here and less people. This was mostly where the older members of the club, the ones old enough to drink, would hang out in fishnet shirts and smeared make-up as they got hammered. Clary looked around quickly and her eyes rested on a pool table. She had never played here and it had been years in general since she had, but she needed to find something to entertain Jace to prevent him from getting lonely. Because that would leave her alone and she could not be alone.

"You game?" She asked smirking to Jace who looked at the table and then back to Clary with utter confusion.

"You want to play pool? At the club?" He asked.

"I figure since there are only two of us, I won't have to get stuck as the winner constantly playing a new challenger." Clary said as she picked up a cue and chalked it. She looked Jace dead in the eyes as she puckered her lips and blew the loose dust off the tip.

Jace stood completely transfixed. Clary watched him swallow hard and then scramble to grab his own cue. "I'll rack, you break." Clary said once Jace came back.

Clary didn't exactly know why she was doing this but she felt the need to flirt with Jace at the moment. She told herself it was harmless fun, just practice for the evening, but deep inside her she knew that wasn't exactly the truth either. She bent low to grab the balls and rack, taking her time bringing them up one by one. She arranged them slowly, bending at the waist to give Jace a remarkable view from across the table. Her OCD kicked in and she arranged the balls by color, lightest to darkest around the triangle shape. She couldn't help but rack them like this every time, color really bothered her. When she was finished she motioned for Jace to break the balls and he was all but drooling.

Clary smirked and went to sit on one of the backless bar chairs as she waited, placing the pool cue between her legs, running her thigh lightly up and down the stick. Jace was distracted and hit the cue-ball off center. Some of the balls rolled away pathetically while many stayed in a tight grouping.

"My shot." Clary exclaimed as she slid off the bar stool and lined up her shot.

Pool didn't take too long and Clary won by a mile. She had done a good job of distracting Jace and most of the time when he hit the ball it didn't go anywhere near where he had planned. Clary beamed and put two fingers to her lips and Jace nodded and head for the door.

"I should have won you know." Jace said as he reached for a cigarette.

Clary raised a single eyebrow. "And what makes you think that? You weren't even relatively close to beating me."

Jace got close to her again even though he didn't need to in the quiet air outside. "Don't think for one second that I don't know what you were doing the entire time. That's cheating and you know it." He pulled back and Clary saw a smile had stretched across his entire face.

"Jace!" A voice cried from down the sidewalk and Clary's head cleared as she snapped to attention. Walking toward them were two people, the same two that had met up with everyone last week, Jordan and Jonathan and Clary felt like she was going to die. She thought she had mentally prepared herself for seeing him again but she was wrong. It wasn't as bad, but it was close to how she imagined she would have felt if Sebastian suddenly walked up. Clary felt herself getting eerily calm and when she spoke her voice did not waver.

"Hey Jordan, hey Jonathan. It's good to see you guys again." She said with a fake smile, but no one really caught on.

"Hi" Jordan said quietly. Clary hadn't pegged him for the shy type but then again she hadn't exactly talked to him last time. Jonathan didn't say anything he just took in Clary's outfit with a look of, was it longing, in his eyes. Clary felt like she could do a back flip, that look right there is all she had ever wanted to do to him. The wheels in her head kept turning, she would make him pay for the way he had made her feel. It had been like she was not desirable, and she would show him just how desirable she was.

"Jace." Clary said, trying her best to fain non-interest, "I think I'm really ready to dance." She said taking his hand and pulling him into the club, the other boys followed. Clary didn't let go of Jace's hand and she didn't lead him over to the wall as he would have been expecting. Instead she took him with her onto the dance floor.

She let go of his hand long enough so she could turn around, wrapping his arms around her waist tightly and she began to move her hips. His chest was pressed against her back and his thighs against her ass as she leaned into him and moved her body in time with the beats. Soon the song changed, it was a song Clary knew, something that had been played on the radio. Jace must have known the song too because she felt his fingers tighten against the lace of her dress, his hot skin brushed against hers through the material and now it wasn't just her dancing. Jace moved in time with the music, in time with Clary and she couldn't help but feel like this moment was incredibly intimate. For as small as she was their bodies moved together in perfect harmony and Clary felt herself growing flush. She told herself it was the heat of the club, the close proximity, but the heat radiated from inside her and from every point that Jace was touching her.

His hands moved around and across her, like a dying man grasping for contact, desperate and needy. She could feel his breath against her neck and she leaned her head back onto him. Her breathing was coming in short gasps, like a damn dog she was panting.

The song sang, "_I want to hold you close. Soft breath, beating heart. As I whisper in your ear." _

Clary felt his hands tighten around her waist, locking her into him. She couldn't have escaped but she didn't want to either, she just wanted more. Jace leaned in grabbing her hair almost to the point of pain and sang the next line as a whisper, in her ear, "I wanna fucking tear you apart."

Clary nearly convulsed. His voice had been low and husky, his hands in her hair pulling deliciously. The song repeated three times and Jace whispered and then growled the line over and over until the song ended and he released her. Clary felt like she couldn't stand let alone walk. There was a throbbing between her legs and she decided she needed to go to the bathroom. She bolted without explanation, finding solitude in the bathroom. She looked in the mirror, her face flushed, her hands shaking. She turned on the faucet, letting the cold water run down her hands and she splashed her face.

She left the bathroom not feeling any better but she needed to get back there and figure out what the fuck all that was about. Jace was standing against the wall talking with Jordan and Jonathan. He saw Clary approaching and he gave her a knowing smirk. _That asshole did that on purpose_.

Clary approached the guys who stopped talking and turned when they saw Jace's facial expression change. Clary was interested to see how Jonathan was taking things. He looked at her with a sad expression as she was sure he was remembering what she looked like naked. _Good_, she thought, _let him regret the choice he made_. Clary stopped for a moment to consider her choices, she could go home with Jace as she had done in the past, she could go out and find some random guy to come home with her, or she could try again with Jonathan. She looked to Jonathan again and he made her choice simple. He had made her feel unwanted and for that she would take back from him what he had taken.

Jace put his fingers up to his lips, more in a question than to say he was ready for one. Clary shook her head no slightly; she needed a minute to formulate her plan. She went back out to the dance floor without motioning for Jace to come along. Even with all the noise she found she could think better when all she felt was the pounding of the music. Jace had gotten into her head and messed with her, for a second she had entertained the thought of giving in and just being with him. She imagined how easy it could be, how nothing would change from how they are now they could just have more. He had given her that briefest fantasy as they had danced but once she had cleared her head in the bathroom she had come back to her senses. _He's too good for me_, she had reminded herself. _He's knows how damaged I am. I was upfront from the very beginning. If he had wanted to decide to have nothing to do with me I gave him an out from the beginning and he chose to stay. He chose knowing that there's a lot of fucked up that comes with me. No matter what he thinks he might feel for me I have to protect him. I have to, because…because I love him._

She would hurt him if that meant saving him, saving him from her. Jonathan didn't need to be saved; he needed to be taught a lesson. He needed to feel what it was like to have someone use him for their own purposes and then throw him away as she was certain he had done to others before. Clary felt momentarily sad for his girlfriend. Clary was about to be that bitch, the one this poor girl would hate for all eternity. But maybe it would be better for the girl in the end, maybe it would give her the push to leave Jonathan and go out and make herself a better person and find someone that was better for her. It was too late for Clary but in her own twisted way she still wanted to make things better for others.

Clary came off the dance floor with her head cleared and a plan in play. Now she was ready for a smoke and she made sure that Jace knew it. He still had this big smirk on his face and Clary just felt like rolling her eyes at him. She tried not to think about the face he would make when she brought Jonathan home for the night. The pain would be good for him, maybe it would help him see just how fucked up she really was.

Jordan and Jonathan followed them outside even though neither of them smoked. Clary felt sometimes that she had leprosy because she was a smoker. She didn't particularly want to smoke either, it had just been one of those things that Sebastian had forbidden therefore when they split; it was one of the first things Clary had picked up and had been unable to stop since. She had this twisted thought that if she quit she was letting him tell her what to do again and she would not let that happen.

Clary turned to Jordan and Jonathan who were already starting to get the hang that Clary was the center and whatever she wanted to do was what everyone was going to do. "So what's the plan for after?" She asked looking between her boys.

"I don't have baby duty tomorrow because Mia is out of town to her parents this week." Jordan said with a smile.

"Cool so everyone back to my house like usual or was there something else planned?" Clary asked, she didn't really want to go back to Jonathan's house, not that he was asking her to. But there she would be on his turf so to speak and that would give him an advantage that Clary was not willing to give up.

Jace suddenly looked a little uncomfortable, like he wasn't fond of the plan, but that was what everyone did every Wednesday so he said nothing.

"Sure, sounds fun to me since I missed out last week. You coming too Jonathan?" Jordan said looking over to his friend who looked completely perplexed.

"Umm, well, my dad wants me to work on the site with him tomorrow so I am supposed to get a good night's rest because I have to be there early in the morning." Jonathan answered moving around and fidgeting a bit. Clary thought it was so cute, in a completely twisted way of hers, that he was so nervous.

Clary donned her utterly sweet voice, "That's ok, I'm sure we can still have plenty of fun without you. Getting a good night's sleep and getting up for work in the morning sounds like so much fun. I'm sure you'll have a great time." She said making each word sting and she succeeded.

"I guess I can come over for a little while, but I am not going to stay the night." Jonathan said firmly, as if he had changed his own mind. As if the tiny red-head had no effect on him, but Clary knew better than that. Clary was in default mode, she was stuck perpetually unfeeling, but that didn't mean that she didn't know how to fake emotions or how to manipulate the emotions of others.

"Good, glad that's settled." Clary said throwing her cigarette to the floor, she couldn't remember if she had passed it to Jace at all but she knew she was done. Jace stepped on the burning ember as he always had and Clary smiled. Not feeling was great, it meant she didn't feel bad anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

**Little bit shorter chapter, not because I meant to but because I was having some serious problems with word, and it deleting my entire chapter. I was worried I wouldn't even be able to get a chapter out tonight. So please enjoy.**

* * *

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression  
Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny  
I find it kinda sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had

Gary Jules – Mad World

* * *

Clary drove Jace back after picking up the Taco Bell. Jonathan was driving Jordan over in his car. Jonathan had mentioned again that he wasn't going to be staying all night so Jordan would have to leave when he was ready or else he would be finding his own way home. Jace was pretty quiet for the drive home so Clary cranked up the radio and tried her best to concentrate on driving but her mind was in the past.

* * *

The night of the Thanksgiving of Friends Clary had enjoyed talking to Sebastian by the fire. She had found out quickly why she had never seen him around before. He actually lived in California and was here for the holidays visiting his mother. He had lived in New York for a short period of time when he was younger and had gone to school with one of Clary's new friends. He had left to go and live with his dad in California while his mom stayed in New York. His mom was close friends with Clary's friend's mom so when he came to town he would usually hang out with his old friend for at least a day. Clary thought it was absolutely perfect considering she was in no way close to being ok after what had just happened to her but a relationship or something of the sorts with someone that lives so far away seemed both safe and exactly what she needed.

They had exchanged phone numbers, and way before the party ended he said he needed to go because tomorrow morning was his flight back home. Clary had left the party shortly after not really knowing what to do with herself and not really feeling up to staying late with everyone else. She got home and was honestly in a better mood than she had been for a while now. She was slightly surprised when her phone started to buzz and she looked down to a new text message from the boy she had just met. Her stomach did somersaults and she found herself pleasantly nervous. He had said that he had a really good time meeting her and couldn't wait to talk to her more.

The next morning he flew back to California as he said he would and Clary wondering if she really would ever hear from him again or if it had just been one random night that turned out slightly more pleasant than she had thought it would. To her surprise the texts kept coming and eventually they move to chatting through the computer. Clary found herself racing to the computer after school each day. They had gone on talking for another week when one day, when she came home from school, there was a very different message on her computer waiting for her.

It was a message sent from Sebastian though the sender said that they were his father instead. The message claimed that Sebastian had been into a car accident and he was in urgent care getting ready for surgery. The message said that he had been screaming Clary's name. Clary felt her whole world crumbling around her it would be her luck that the one person that she was finally beginning to trust could be taken away from her so quickly. She waited anxiously by the computer and by her phone but it took a few days until the message finally came. Sebastian had made it through the surgery and all the pieces of metal were out of him.

Sebastian has spent another week in the hospital as he was recuperating and then he was moved back to the house with his dad to finish his recovery. All the while that Sebastian was recovering, Clary was going through her own consequences from the party before she had met Sebastian, the one where she was raped. Clary found to her horror that her period was late and it had never been late before, in fact she had always been ridiculously on time. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to go to a doctor because that means her dad would have to find out and there wasn't really anyone else that she trusted to help her with this. She decided just to wait around a little bit to see what will become of it. Maybe it was just the stress of everything that was making her body do weird things.

By the time Sebastian was recovering back at his house, Clary had an answer of her own and in some ways it was better than what she had feared but at the same time it completely destroyed her. She was not pregnant after all or at least not anymore. Clary had woken up one morning completely covered in blood from the waist down. It had soaked through her sheets and onto the bed below. She had jumped immediately into the shower and they're the blood continued to flow. Clary curled herself up into a ball, letting the water run over her.

Memories of that night flooded through her and all over again she felt dirty and terrified. She knew she should go to a doctor and make sure that everything was out; but again that would mean telling her dad and there is no way that she would want him to look at her the way that she knew he would if he knew the truth. So she never told a soul and just dealt with it on her own. She put all her love and all of her anxiety into Sebastion, willing him to get better.

His recovery was slow but he talked with her everyday and they found themselves talking on the phone more and more. Falling asleep with each other still on the line, waking up the next morning they were still connected. They had both become completely absorbed in each other, needing to be around each other, to hold onto each other, using each other to survive. It wasn't long before Christmas, just a few weeks of knowing each other, and Sebastian ask Clary to marry her. Clary couldn't help but say yes. It was like something out of those fantasy novels that she had read growing up. It was her last year of high school and she had found her prince. The mysterious man from a different place that loved her like she had never seen before. She wouldn't let herself think that it was too good to be true but she should have known better.

* * *

Clary pulled up to the house, Jace still hadn't said a word to her and honestly she hadn't really remember much of the drive; that could have been dangerous. She turned off the car and went to open her door but a hand was on her wrist which stopped her. She looked over to Jace who had the saddest look in his eys and he asked her one question, "Why?".

Clary throught I guess it was better to get it over with now. "I'm not a good person Jace. I'm not good for you and I'm not good for anyone else. I love how you been there for me no matter what, but right now the only thing I know how to do is to break things and I don't want to break you. I can't seem to let you go either. Do us both a favor and walk away. Walk away from me and the life that I have. The bad luck that I seem to have follows me and everyone around me. You can't fix me I'm too far gone."

Clary turned away from him and opened the door and walked out of the car walking up to the house without a second glance back. If he was smart he would leave. He would just go home. Clary put the key in the lock and opened the door walking into a dark and empty house. Izzy wasn't off work yet and she won't get back until much later. Jace hadn't gone home, he came in behind her and Jordan and Sebastian followed after. Clary put Taco Bell on the table and didn't wait for anyone else, she grabbed her own burrito and a packet of hot sauce and dug in. It was possibly one of the most awkward nights Clary had ever had. None of them said anything or made any sort of conversation, there was just silence and chewing. When Clary finished she rolled up her wrapper and tossed it in the garbage. She announced she was going up to bed.

Clary walked up the steps and opened the door to her bedroom and began to strip off her outfit. It wasn't long until she heard footsteps coming and then someone knocked at her door. She wondered briefly who it was. She wrapped a blanket around her already naked body and opened the door. Standing there was Jonathan looking completely awkward.

"Hey can I talk to you for a minute about last week?" he said.

Clary motioned inside and he came in and Clary shut the door hearing the latch as it found its way home. It seemed to echo in her head over and over she knew what was about to happen. She knew she could never come back from it.

Clary sat down on her mattress on the floor and looked up to Jonathan who was standing rather awkwardly in her room. She looked at him expectantly but she was met with an awkward silence. "Ok, say whatever you need to say because this is weird." She said, her tone short.

"I'm not with my girlfriend anymore." He blurted out and Clary had almost found it funny.

Clary nodded her head like she was talking to someone very simple minded. "Cool. If you need someone to talk to about it, I'm not sure I'm the best one."

"Fuck it." Jonathan said and he moved with speed that would have scared Clary if she had been in the right mind. His lips found hers, it was hot and needy, and full of the passion that Clary was missing in her life. He troe the blanket away from her body sending a chill through her as the cold air hit her exposed skin.

There was a satisfactory groan that Jonathan emitted as he took in her naked form. His hands wove their way down her skin and between her thighs. She had been here before with him last week. She made quick work of his clothes while he worshiped her with his fingers and his mouth trailed down her neck. Soon they were exactly where they had left off, both of them completely naked and both ready to go. Clary figured she better move quickly before there was another repeat and he was left less than ready. She had bought condoms after the weekend and placed a few of them under her mattress for easy access. She groped around blindly before finding the package. Her hand wrapped around it tightly and she pushed Jonathan back slightly. She produced the condom and gave him a questioning look.

Jonathan took the package quickly and tore open the side. He rolled the condom on with expertise and then lined up and pushed himself in forcefully. Clary didn't hold back her scream. Her mind flicked momentarily to Jace and she wondered if he was still downstairs or if he had left when Clary had gone upstairs. He wasn't gentle and he didn't hold back on her which felt like getting an itch finally scratched that you just couldn't reach yourself. He grabbed her wrists and pulled them above her head, holding them there with one hand while he mercilessly pounded into her and she loved it. There was a slight pain, but the pain felt good, it reminded Clary that she was still alive. This was just like the release she had gotten from cutting, but people frowned upon her cutting so they would just have to deal with this form of release instead.

There was no love in this kind of sex, it was something entirely new to Clary and she found herself enjoying it even though her body was not building toward any other kind of release. It was quick but not hurried and he found his way to release which was all Clary needed to feel the power she had lost to him, returned to her. This was about her getting off, she was trying to fill some kind of void within her because if she couldn't figure out how to fill it she wasn't sure she would keep fighting herself to stay alive.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thank you thank you for all the wonderful reviews. Sorry I haven't been able to post, my computer is still all screwy and I lost my entire chapter not once but twice and boy was I upset. It's still not really that great, I tried updating and that took forever but it hasn't deleted since. I am going to be MIA for a little bit for the holiday, so many presents to wrap and cards to send. I'm pretty sure they won't get there until after Christmas at this point but there isn't anything I can do about that at the moment. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it has a brief Jace POV which has been requested a lot. **

* * *

Now they're going to bed  
And my stomach is sick  
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now  
He takes off her dress now  
Let me go

The Killers – Mr. Brightside

* * *

Jace saw Jonathan go up the steps after Clary and he knew immediately what was about to happen but it wasn't until he heard her screams that he knew for sure. He couldn't find it in himself to eat anymore and Jordan gave him a look.

"Back to my house?" Jace said, he didn't really care what Jordan's answer was. Jace was ready to go running from the house. She had told him to go, but no matter how many reasons she gave him, he always knew he would come right back. Jace stood and went for the door not wanting to hear any more of Clary and Jonathan, damn these old houses and their thin walls.

Jordan followed him out and the walk was a brief one. All the lights were off at Jace's house, he suspected that Alec had stayed the night somewhere else as he had been doing for awhile now. Max had been staying at friends' houses lately as well, he was enjoying his summer as young boys should. Their dad was rarely around, ever since their mother died he had become withdrawn and distant. The role of head-of-house had fallen on Jace's shoulders and that was a lot of weight to bare.

Jordan hadn't spent the night in years but Jace was sure he would know where to go. All the boy's rooms were upstairs and whenever there was a guest they usually stayed in Max's bedroom as he had the bunk beds.

"I think I'm going to crash. I'll take you home in the morning if that's ok." Jace said as he reached the top of the steps. Jordan just nodded in agreement and Jace turned into the first room, his room.

Jace's room was neat to military precision. All four walls were white and bare. His bed was the largest thing in the room but it was only a single size. He also had a small stand which housed an old box style TV that was rarely used except for the occasional video games with some of his friends. There was a lot going on in Jace's head, so when his fist went through his wall, he wasn't really all that surprised.

The pain helped him to refocus but he didn't bother to clean his knuckles even though they were beginning to swell and some of the skin had broken open. He would need to patch the hole tomorrow, he wouldn't want his dad to see it. He had told himself he wasn't going to get attached to her, and she had given him every reason to stay away from her even from the beginning. But she had worked her way into his mind years ago, when they had first met. He doubted she even remembered it.

She had come over to his house with Izzy, back before she was old enough to be considered an adult. Her and Izzy had just come from the store, they had bought Halloween costumes. Izzy was a pirate, and Clary was a pink and black kitty cat. Jace remembered walking in the door and seeing this hot girl dressed as a cat just sitting on his couch. She had been quiet, but laughed at all the jokes flying around the room. It was infectious to be around her. They hadn't stayed for long, and Izzy had never brought her back over until years later but Jace couldn't get the thought of the mysterious red-head out of his mind. She had crept up on him at random times, even visiting him in his dreams.

When Izzy had brought Clary around again a month ago, she barely looked like the same person though her looks hadn't changed at all. It was as if she had her own personal cloud following her, she was no longer infectious, she looked more like she was infected. But Jace had been thinking about her for too many years and he found he was still drawn to her. She had become the light at the end of his tunnel, and he wanted nothing more than to restore in her the laugh that still followed him into sleep.

They had become fast friends, and it was hard not to when Jace made it his purpose to be around her whenever possible. She told him from the start all the things that had happened to her, and she cried on his shoulder. That was the only time then or now he had seen her cry. It broke his heart and set his blood to boil when he heard of all the things that had snuffed out her light. There was no way he could try for a relationship with her, she was still too broken and fragile for that.

After a month she still wasn't much better but some of her "spunk" was being brought back, ever so slowly. This thing she is doing with Jonathan is something that she needs in her own twisted away, and he wasn't mad at her. He was mostly mad at himself, and the choice he had made right before she had come back into his life. The choice that haunted him and prevented him from being everything that Clary needed. It was the reason why he needed to keep some kind of distance from her, at least in any more than friends sort of way. He had slipped up a little tonight, dancing with her the way he did. He wanted to scream to her just how much he loved her, that he would do anything for her. But that wasn't exactly true because he had his own secret, and soon he would have to tell her.

* * *

Clary didn't even need to kick Jonathan out after they were finished. He thanked her, which was slightly awkward, and then said he needed to get home and get some sleep. She waited a few minutes after he left before donning a robe and heading downstairs. She really wanted a smoke, but she was also curious if Jace was still there like he had been last week.

She didn't bother to turn on any lights and bound down the steps quickly. She turned the corner and saw the house was empty and she sighed, in what she would have guessed to have been relief but there was a slight sting as well. She went outside after wrapping a blanket around her, it wasn't cold even in the middle of the night but she found the weight to be comforting.

Jonathan was only the second person she had ever slept with, and the first one she had not had any feelings for. She was surprised that she felt rather good about it. The sex was good. Clary didn't have any complaints there. She felt in general good about herself, not in the way that she was morally pleased, but she felt like she hated herself a little less because someone had wanted her.

Life hadn't been easy growing up with her mom, Jocelyn. Many people used to remark that she was her mother's "little clone." That thought terrified Clary, she wanted nothing more than to be anything but what her mother was. It didn't help that Clary looked nearly identical to her mom and even in family pictures, ones where Jocelyn was younger, it's hard to tell which one of them it actually is. But her mother is not a nice person, in fact she is the most self-centered person on earth. She used to drink heavily during all family occasions and loudly profess that Clary was the route of all her problems and the entire world would be better off if she was dead. That was why Clary's first suicide attempt had been on Christmas. Growing up being constantly told that you are the bane of everyone's existence doesn't do well for your generalized emotional state. Had it just been for her mother, Clary might have had a chance to turn out ok, but her mother had a way with men, and boy did she pick 'em.

Jocelyn's second husband, Clary's step-father began molesting her at age 7. It was another thing that she attributed to looking so much like her mom. She had just been a weaker version of Jocelyn and easier to be preyed upon. That took a toll on her overall self worth. That was the reason behind suicide attempt 2 and 3.

People that were close to Clary said that she was strong to have been able to go through that and come out functioning, but Clary wondered sometimes who they were looking at because she would hardly call herself functioning. She had gotten straight A's all throughout school but that was due to fear of retaliation from her step-dad. She started college at age 16 because she knew no one would ever take care of her and she was completely on her own. Now she works 3 jobs and sleeps on a mattress on her floor because that is the best that she can do, and she is all alone.

So feeling good after sleeping with Jonathan was, in Clary's book, a necessary evil. A part of her hoped that Jace wouldn't be angry with her, or that it wouldn't ruin the relationship that she had built with him, but another side hoped that he had headed her warning and run for the hills. She was growing far too dependent on his company and that honestly scared her. If she needed him, he could control her, and if he could control her, he could break her. Clary wasn't strong enough yet to resist another mind fuck.

Clary finished her cigarette and looked up to the stars which were shining brightly. She hoped for a second that she would get to see a shooting star. She always looked but she had never seen one. This night turned out to be no different and after a few moments she sighed and went back into the house, leaving the porch light on for Izzy who should be home soon.

Clary felt like she would be able to get a good night's sleep for once. She tended not to have nightmares after sex, actually she didn't dream at all after sex. She laid her head down on the pillow and welcomed the consuming darkness.

The morning came and went and Clary remained fast asleep. She had gone to bed naked, with her door locked, marveling in the feeling of not being scared. Izzy was sleeping in too as she had to work so late, but the plus for her was that she didn't have to work at all. Clary wasn't so lucky and had to work the night shift at the theater and then open the restaurant the next morning. It was going to be a long couple of days for her so she needed to get her sleep now but that also meant the week would go by quicker and goth night would be here before she knew it.

Clary had her alarm set for when she would need to get up in the evening for work but she was happy when she woke up around 2 on her own. Her stomach was grumbling and she had to pee so bad that even if she wanted to lay in bed that wouldn't have been possible. She went downstairs for her morning cup of coffee and sat outside on the front porch to have a cigarette. This was the first Thursday morning that Jace hadn't been there to make her coffee and share a cigarette with and Clary found herself missing it. It was like he was her other half and whenever he wasn't there it was like there was a vital part of her missing. She thought of the term soul-mate but that didn't quite seem to fit him either. She didn't exactly think of him in a sexual way, not that she wouldn't because he was rather attractive, but she had never let herself consider it. She knew that she loved him and that she needed him. She just wasn't sure what kind of love it was that she felt for him. Maybe that was due to the whole lack of feeling thing, in fact she was noticing she was having a hard time identifying any emotion that she experienced. They do say that ignorance is bliss, so Clary was happy being ignorant because it really was so much better than feeling worthless.

Clary sat outside until her coffee was finished, having a few more cigarettes than she normally did. Today was a good day; she could just feel it, even in spite of her having to work at the theater tonight. She wondered if she would get to see Jace today, or tomorrow, or anytime soon. That thought was strange for her; there had never been a time when they had said good-bye without knowing when they would see each other next. Clary briefly thought of the possibility that they might not see each other again; maybe he was mad at her. He would have every right to be. But then again, they weren't in a relationship with each other, they were just friends. Didn't she have the right over her own body to sleep with whomever she wished? Clary's train of thought started to go down-hill and her bi-polar tendencies were coming on strong. She decided to hop into a long shower to distract her.

Clary's night at work wasn't too terrible. She was working with one of her friends and that always made the night better, especially when Mrs. Herondale wasn't working. Mrs. Herondale was one of the few female managers and she was a downright bitch. She seemed to have something against Clary. Clary suspected it was because she didn't have a dick between her legs. But it wasn't her fault that she was born the wrong gender for this bitch. Clary hated pretty much all other woman save for a handful, but she didn't go around treating everyone like crap for it.

Even with her friend working with her the day seemed to drag on, but Clary wasn't letting her good mood get spoiled. Whenever her mind threatened to take her somewhere dark, she just imagined Jonathan and the wonderful things he had done with her. Clary used that memory as a shield against her depression, a shield against her self-hatred and found that she really liked this one-night-stand business more than she had thought she would. Maybe that was why everyone was always doing it.

Clary returned home well after midnight. Izzy must have gone to bed at a reasonable hour to get her body back into normal mode. Normal for Clary was staying up late, and whenever possible, sleeping in late too. She turned on her computer, one of the things that were distinctly Sebastian but she couldn't get rid of it either. Sebastian had built her a computer for Christmas, it was a monster of a machine with a glass paneled side with blue LED lit fans and a green LED on the faceplate which resembled the face of a monster. Or at least to Clary it did. She had named it Leviathan, and used green scrapbooking letters to spell its name on the front. She had spent a lot of time on the computer when she was with Sebastian and the habit was still there in her somewhere.

She looked through her messages and found nothing fun or in any way entertaining so she turned on some music and put her headphones in. Music was one of those constants in her life and she doubted that she could have made it this far without it. She put some Pink Floyd on, something that she meditated to when things were rough. It helped to calm her and before she knew it she was ready for bed. She walked like a zombie up the steps and to her room.

She flicked on the light and was slightly started. There was someone in her bed, sleeping. She could tell by the golden hair it was Jace, and she couldn't help but smile. This was exactly what she needed to make her good day even better. She took off her clothes quickly and put a tank top and boy short underwear on then slid under the blanket. He stirred lightly but didn't wake. He was lying on his stomach, as he always did when he slept. Clary found his hand and entwined her fingers with his. It was a little something they did whenever they slept next to each other. They would sleep like that all night and in the morning their fingers were always still entwined.


	9. Chapter 9

**Alrighty my lovelies, here's another chapter for you all. I hope that if you celebrate the holidays, you had a good one. Mine has been one of the better ones ever so I am incredibly thankful for that. Got a bit of an interesting chapter for you. It's strange to be inside Clary's mind sometimes as she bounces around a lot and makes for a very biased narrator. Please enjoy, and Happy Holidays.**

* * *

I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time  
And every creature lends themselves to change your state of mind  
And the girl that chased the rabbit, drank the wine, and took the pill  
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels

Shinedown - Her Name is Alice

* * *

Clary awoke slowly to the strangest sensation. She didn't move a muscle or open her eyes as she tried to gauge exactly what was happening. She felt someone touching her, touching her back to be more precise. It was the movement of a single finger. It was tracing the outline of her angel tattoo. Jace must have wanted to wake her before the alarm. Clary laid there but didn't hide the smile that crept its way across her face. It was incredibly soothing to have Jace tracing her finger; it nearly sent shivers down her spine.

"Morning." He said, his voice was thick and husky as it usually was in the morning. Clary's charade was up as he must have noticed she wasn't sleeping anymore.

Clary turned to face him; his finger sliding across her as she turned. "Morning." She said almost sheepishly. "I was wondering when I would get to see you again, so I was pretty happy when I came home from work and saw you laying there."

She saw Jace smile and turn away slightly. "You know I can't stay away from you for long. Just promise me, don't talk about Jonathan with me. I don't care what you two are doing; I just don't want to hear about it." Jace turned his head back and waited for a response from Clary.

"Deal." She said with a smile.

The next few days at work had gone by quickly and Clary was in a great mood. She got to enjoy Simon's company when she was working at the restaurant. He seemed to enjoy hearing all about her Thursday nights and since Clary didn't have too many female friends it was great to get to gush to someone about her sexcapade. She beamed as she shared the details of her night. Simon seemed to enjoy hearing about it, or at least he pretended to.

When she wasn't at work she was with Jace. Their schedules had worked out pretty well that he wasn't working at the rare time she was off work and he stayed the night with her every night. It had gotten to the point where he didn't even bother to tell his dad that he was staying at Clary's, it was something everyone just knew.

Having Jace around was keeping the panic attacks at bay. She hadn't had one in several days and it seemed like something was finally beginning to change. Clary truly felt content with her life. It wasn't as much of a chore to get up every day and she didn't think about death quite so much. Even the colors of the trees somehow seemed more vibrant.

Before Clary could even think it was already Wednesday again and Clary couldn't be happier. The whole gang was getting to go with her this week and for some reason Clary managed to luck out and not have to work Thursday again. She guessed the managers didn't like to really look over the schedules when they made them and probably just did a copy paste type maneuver whenever there wasn't any request offs. Maybe Clary wouldn't have to work Thursdays again for a while, which was perfectly fine with her, except for the fact that she really did need the money. But money wasn't everything, and Clary did not want to come down from this high she had found.

Clary let Izzy dress her up as she was dying to do. This week they were not matching, but Izzy was determined to have Clary bring Jonathan back home with her again. Clary wasn't sure if she wanted to go down that road again. How can you have a one-night stand with the same person over and over? You can't. Clary wasn't looking for a relationship, and if she saw him again what would that make them?

"The term is called fuck-buddies Clary." Izzy told her when she had vented her concerns.

"I know what it's called, but what if he gets attached or wants something more?" Clary said while wincing, the curler Izzy had in her hair was pulling a little too tightly.

"I don't know any guy out there that would be opposed to having some casual sex once a week, knowing full on ahead of time there is no strings attached. He'll probably be more worried about you developing feelings than anything else." Izzy said taking the curl out which floated down Clary's face perfectly.

"But I don't have the ability to feel anything right now. So I certainly won't be falling in love or anything like that." Clary said, her hand coming up to touch the perfect curl. Izzy smacker her before she had gotten to it.

"Don't touch!" She said firmly. Clary pouted through the mirror.

It took Izzy two whole hours to get Clary and herself ready. Clary was more of a 15 minute kind of girl, but there was something nice about being done up by someone else. A sort of tingly feeling flowed through her whenever someone played with her hair. Clary was dressed in a short black leather skirt with studs lining the pockets and hem. Her shirt was a white button up vest that ended just above the waistline of her skirt. Clary had on a black bra and just the tips of the cups were visible before the top button of the shirt. She wore strappy black heels with matching studs running across the bands. She always looked so put together when Izzy dressed her.

"There, now you're ready to go out and get yourself a man." Izzy said as she finished spraying Clary's hair with hairspray. Her normally red wavy hair was now full of silky curls. Izzy had left her hair down, and done light but professional make-up. Aside from the amount of skin she was showing, Clary could almost see herself going to an interview in this outfit, or something similar to it.

Clary liked the way she looked; she could barely recognize herself as the one in the mirror. This girl didn't show traces of being broken and abused. The girl that stared back at her owned the world and she knew it and Clary was happy to play the part tonight. She would own the world tonight.

Jace smiled at Clary when she came down the steps and he extended the crook of his arm for her to hold as she made her way outside to the car. She had a special CD that she had made for tonight. It was full of up-beat songs that got everyone pumped up and ready for the night. Everything felt perfect for once in her life and she wouldn't let herself think about the inevitable drop when this moment would come crashing down around her.

Jordan and Jonathan were waiting for them at the club. They had officially become a part of the group, they were some of "the men." Jonathan tried to ignore Clary when she approached, looking around everywhere else. Clary smiled to herself, if he was ignoring her that meant she had gotten to him. She had crawled up under his skin somehow and left a mark that was completely her own. He wasn't under her skin, she hadn't craved his touch but clearly he had.

Clary left the group to go to the dance floor. As much as club night had been about hooking up lately, she never forgot the true purpose: a night to let go of everything and to be exactly what she wanted to be, anything but who she was. Clary breathed in the heavy air and it felt like she could finally breathe again. She let herself get lost in the music and before long she looked around and found one of the raised platforms spread around the club was empty and she took up her spot. She climbed up the platform, it was a little difficult in her heels as the platform came to the middle of her waist, but she thought she managed gracefully. Standing on the raised surface she was finally taller than everyone else in the club, she had her own 4 foot by 4 foot bubble where people wouldn't bother her or bump into her. She had found her own little stage for her to play out whatever she wanted.

Clary started to dance again, her hands raking up and down her own body and she closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling of nothing at all. She let her mind go completely blank, she didn't think about how much money she needed to pay out in bills, or how there was no food in the fridge back home. She didn't think about her ex that destroyed her or the man that raped her. She didn't think about her abusive step-dad or her mom that didn't give a shit about her. She thought about nothing, and nothing was the most wonderful thing in the world.

When Clary opened her eyes she was surprised to find that she had an audience. Jace, Alec, Magnus, Jordan, and Jonathan had moved to one side of the platform. Jace's eyes were glued to her, but so were Jordan and Jonathan's. To the front of the platform was a group of men that Clary had seen around the club but had not ever learned the names of. They all seemed to be devouring her with their eyes. Clary felt so powerful, she was getting another rush like she was on some kind of drug. This drug went straight to her head and made her feel both light and completely sustainable.

The way they were all looking at her gave her hope that tonight she could have anything in the world. Soon she saw Izzy making her way over to her and she joined Clary up on the stage. Clary didn't mind sharing her little stage with Izzy, but only with her for the moment. Izzy started dancing right up next to her, and then up against her and the size of their audience grew exponentially. Clary wondered why Izzy had never been romantic with any of _the men_ before. Maybe she thought of them too much as brothers, maybe it was a whole "you don't shit where you eat" kind of thing. Clary decided it was probably a smart move on Izzy's part not getting involved with any of them, Clary shouldn't either….except for Jordan and Jonathan, they were new comers and they really didn't count anyways.

Clary didn't spend the evening looking for anyone to take home, she really didn't need to. People were approaching her all throughout the night. At one point when she went outside to smoke a group of guys approached her and asked if she would consider being a model for their band. They claimed to have needed a hot female model for their album cover. Clary suspected they really just wanted to get her back to their house to have a three-way or something weird like that. Clary seemed flattered and told them she would have to think about it, that she was at the club every week. She forgot what they looked like as soon as she left and she never ran into them again as far as she knew.

When the club lights came on and last call had been announced, the group gathered their belongings and headed for the door as the other patrons that were left began to do the same. Tonight they were going to Taco Bell, but they were going to sit in and eat. No one was really feeling all that tired. Jordan and Jonathan said they were coming back to Izzy and Clary's house after they ate, which didn't really surprise anyone. Jace sat next to Clary to eat, and on the way home. Everywhere she went he was right by her side.

When they got back to the house they all went and sat on the couch and Clary took up her normal seat at her Leviathan. Jace approached her as everyone laughed about some infomercial shit and he gave her a look and flicked his finger to the side. Clary got up immediately and Jace sat down in her fold out chair and Clary sat down on his lap, curling herself into a ball. His arms wrapped around her protectively and she laid her head on his chest.

"So do I get to sleep in the bed tonight or have you made other arrangements?" He whispered into her hair.

Clary raised her head to look into his golden eyes, "I never make arrangements. I just see what happens." She said earnestly. She had actually been wondering the same thing. Jonathan hadn't said anything to her, but he hadn't kept his eyes off of her all night either. She wondered why he had come back to her house if he didn't want to have sex, but he hadn't made his intentions clear either.

Jace broke her from her thoughts with the flash of a camera. Clary blinked in surprise a few times and looked to Jace who wore a beaming smile. Normally Clary didn't like pictures of herself, the same as she didn't like mirrors, but on goth night it was permissible. Jace turned the camera around so Clary could inspect the picture. He always knew to do it, if it was what Clary called a "bad" picture he would have to delete it. Clary inspected the picture and found it to be satisfactory. She looked tired and worn, her hair had fallen limp and her make-up was slightly smudged. Jace had captured a natural picture, one that wasn't posed. She looked completely contented in Jace's arms, with a natural smirk that Clary could never seem to do whenever anyone asked for a picture. Clary felt her hair with her fingers, Izzy had used a lot of product on her; she would need to shower before she went to bed.

"I'm going to shower and then head up to bed." Clary announced to the group as she got up off of Jace's lap. There were nods and declarations of good night from the bunch. Izzy was snuggled up with Magnus on the couch and she looked like she might fall asleep like that. Clary avoided looking over to Jonathan, if he wanted to ignore her, she would do the same back.

Clary headed up the stairs, grabbing a set of pajamas from her room before going into the bathroom and turning the water on hot. Clary loved nothing more than a hot, hot, shower. Izzy's shower wasn't bad, but Clary had been surprised that Izzy hadn't installed one of those shower heads that detached from the wall with 8 million different settings. This was just a standard shower head that clearly had come with the house because it was about as dated as some of the peeling wallpaper.

Clary peeled her clothes off and stood under the water with her eyes closed. She just stood there, letting the water soak into her hair and cascade down her back. Her skin was slightly pink from the water being so hot, but Clary loved the feeling of it. It was rare when Clary actually felt too hot, it was always a comforting thing for her. Like inside she was covered in ice and trying desperately to thaw herself constantly.

Clary more sensed the presence of someone else than heard anything. She opened her eyes and could see from the curtain there was a tall shadow standing on the other side. Normal people might have been afraid or startled, but Clary felt nothing but curiosity. Out of all the people in the house, there were really only two probable people this one could be, Jonathan or Jace. Clary decided to wait for them to make themselves known, and let her imagination run through different scenarios on both boys. She grabbed her shampoo as if she hadn't noticed someone was there with her, and she began to wash the hair products from her hair.

The figure stood there for a few moments. She could only see a blurry shadow, but it seemed to be moving back and forth slightly. Clary would have guessed it to be a nervous kind of action. That still didn't help her to figure out who was there. After another moment of silence, and Clary had finished with putting conditioner in her hair, she couldn't help but to call out.

"Can I help you with something, or were you looking for a free show?" She shouted. She saw the shadow move suddenly and she stifled a laugh.

"I was just trying to figure out if you were extending an invitation." She heard Jonathan's voice from the other side of the curtain. "I wasn't sure since you announced where you were going, but Jace didn't follow you up, so.." He just trailed off.

"Well generally speaking Jace doesn't shower with me." Clary said, moving to begin the long process of rinsing the conditioner from her hair.

"Well I wasn't sure. The two of you seemed pretty cuddly today." Clary thought there might have been a hint of sadness to his voice.

"Jace and I are always like that." Clary responded being truthful.

"I've never seen you like that." Jonathan said quietly.

"That's because you don't know me." Clary said with a slight edge to her voice. Just because she had slept with him didn't mean he was an expert on her. In-fact they had barely ever even spoken to each other.

"I would like to know you better, if you want me to that is." Jonathan said, his voice still soft.

Clary sighed; she poked her head around the curtain. "I'm not looking for a relationship. I got a lot of shit going on in my life and I'm not a whole lot of good to anyone. Just so we are clear on that. The sex was good, and I'm cool with more if that's what you want too. You can get to know me, if you want to, or not, it doesn't make a difference to me as long as you're not looking for love. That, I'm not capable of."

Jonathan smiled and met her gaze with her own. "I'm pretty sure I can handle that."

"Cool." Clary said and ducked back into the shower.

She watched his shadow stand still for a few more moments before it started to move around. Then she saw the curtain move to the side and a very naked Jonathan got into the shower with her and met her with a fiery kiss.

Clary smiled on the inside as he forced her mouth open and his tongue met with hers. She had never had shower sex before. Clary turned back the dial on the shower, not needing the water so scalding hot. Jonathan's hands roamed her body. He was both gentle and rough at the same time, and Clary let herself happily pass into the realm of blissful unthinking, only feeling. It didn't take much for her to be ready to go, and he was right there with her. She looked around quickly, wondering how she was going to manage since he was so much taller than her and the space they were in was rather small to maneuver.

Jonathan had an idea of his own and he grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up on the small edge of the tub. Clary could only fit the balls of her feet on the small lip, but Jonathan held her tightly as he pushed into her. This was the perfect height for her to match him. Clary was restricted to not moving much for fear of slipping on the slick surface. She desperately wanted to wrap one leg around his waist but even that wouldn't have been a good idea, so she stayed where she was, her arms wrapped around Jonathan's neck pulling at the blonde hairs at the base of his head. He held onto her waist tightly until his movements became erratic and he pulled out of her quickly as he hadn't used a condom. Clary was out of breath but feeling elated. Her and Jonathan seemed to go well together and she was much calmer about everything now that she made her intentions clear.

She frowned a bit that she had forgotten all about protection, she was always a cautious one so that slip really bothered her for a second. She gave Jonathan a quick kiss on the lips that melted into a longer, sweeter kiss. Clary felt like there were butterflies in her stomach fluttering their wings fiercely. There was a hot prickly sensation that started from the fluttering in her stomach and washed over her like a wave. This was one of those emotion things, but Clary hadn't felt this one before, or at least not in so long that she couldn't exactly put a name to the sensation. She only knew what she physically felt, not what it meant. Whatever it was, Clary liked it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Short-ish chapter because that's what happens when I try to post a bunch of times a week. So you all can decide if you like short chapters often or if u want longer chapter like once or twice a week. You decide!**

**So a few responses to some guest reviews. No Clary will not be getting pregnant. She might have some fears of it as her reckless behavior continues to escalate but no, please don't worry about that. **

**Also someone says she needs a new therapist if her's is recommending casual sex. That is not what Dr. Amatis said, that is what Clary took her to mean. Sometimes it's hard when you have a narrator that doesn't think or act logically. But that's what Clary thought she meant, not what she said. **

* * *

Living in fear  
But signs were not really that scarce  
Obvious tears  
But I will not  
Hide you through this  
I want you to help  
And please see  
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw  
Hide in cold sweat  
Quivering lips  
Ignore remorse

10 Years - Wasteland

* * *

Clary dried and dressed herself after the shower, handing Jonathan the towel once she was finished. She left him in the bathroom and headed for her room. She didn't know what the rest of the night would bring, or tomorrow, or the day after that, but she found she didn't care. She put her phone on the charger and turned the phone on silent. She curled up in a ball under the covers and let herself drift off to sleep. She heard the door to her room open and she smiled but kept her eyes closed. There was shuffling around and the clear noise of jeans being unzipped. Clary tried hard not to laugh; she wondered why he even bothered to put his pants back on for the short trip from the bathroom to her room.

Soon she felt the dip in the mattress and warm arms wrapped around her. She felt like electricity was running through her, she hadn't gotten enough in the shower. She rolled quickly, his arm now settled at the arch of her back, just above her ass. She grabbed him by the back of the head and crushed her lips against his. She felt him gasp and she stopped moving immediately. Her fingers registered the longer hair, that wasn't even remotely wet and she released him immediately.

"Jace! I am so sorry. I thought..." Clary stopped suddenly. Of course he would know what she thought, but he didn't want her to talk about Jonathan.

"Clary, it's ok, I get it." His voice seemed strained. He cleared his throat. "Jonathan came down after his shower. Jordan and him left, Mags and Izzy are sleeping on the couch. Alex walked home." Jace cleared his throat again. "It's ok, just forget it ever happened."

Jace moved his arm which had flattened against her back when she had kissed him. She felt colder when his arm went missing and she turned her back to him. He gingerly put his arm back, like he was afraid she was going to bite, or maybe he was just afraid she would kiss him again. Clary tried to shut her eyes and go to sleep, but her head just wouldn't _shut up_.

She had kissed Jace. Jace and her had kissed, and he wanted to forget it ever happened. Clary had always wondered what it would be like to kiss him, but she never let herself go so far to find out what it was like. But now it had happened, in the worst way possible, and he had hated it. So Clary should not be focusing on the fact that she could still taste him on her lips. She licked her bottom lip unconsciously. She felt a pain in her chest, coming from the center and blooming out.

Clary didn't sleep at all. She felt Jace as he dozed off, his breathing becoming even. No matter how hard she tried she found she just couldn't fall asleep. She lay there all night, completely silent and still, like if she could pretend like she was sleeping she would actually nod off. It took a lifetime for morning to come and Clary felt as Jace began to wake. First his breathing changed and then his arm which was still lying on her moved slightly. His fingers twitched and then wrapped around her waist and pulled her toward him. He nuzzled in her hair and then she felt him tense up. Every muscle in his body seemed to go rigid and then he let go of her completely.

Clary felt incredibly cold despite wearing pajamas and a blanket in the blistering heat of summer. She felt Jace roll away from her and then she heard him sigh. The mattress dipped and he got out of the bed. Clary didn't dare move, or speak, or even breathe. She waited until she heard her door open and shut, and the footsteps going down the stairs and that was when she released the breath she was holding. Something was wrong, it was incredibly wrong and she felt like there was a knot in her throat. She wanted to cry but had no idea what for.

She took a few minutes to regain composure of her body. She got up and went to the bathroom. There were large bags under her eyes, which always happened when she didn't sleep well. She splashed cold water on her face and studied her reflection. She took a deep breath and told her face to erase all emotions; she needed a blank slate to start before the acting could begin. She watched as her face transformed into something entirely blank and then she turned it into a slight smile. There, that was better than how she had gotten up. Clary headed down the steps, she could smell coffee being brewed and that helped to make her smile more genuine.

Jace was in the kitchen, his back turned to her as if watching coffee drip from the filter was the most interesting thing in the world. She didn't say anything to him, but she could tell by the way his back tensed, he knew she was there. Clary had to hide her frown. He wanted her to forget that it ever happened so that's what she would pretend to do. She hadn't won best actress award unanimously in High School for nothing. She watched as he poured her a cup and then mixed in just the perfect amount of cream and sugar. He stirred the cup an excess amount of times before turning around and handing it to her with an almost pained smile.

He wanted her to pretend like it never happened, but he clearly couldn't pretend worth a shit. The remorse was written all over his face. It wasn't like she fucking meant to do it; she thought he was someone else. If he was so repulsed by her kiss maybe he had no business spending nearly every damn night in her bed. She could feel herself getting angry, or maybe it wasn't anger, feeling was confusing. All she could really decide was she did not like the pains in her chest, not being able to sleep, or breathe. Spending all night thinking about his lips on hers and how much he had hated it all. Because…she hadn't hated it at all.

_It was because you thought he was someone else, that's all._ She told herself.

Clary took her coffee outside to get a smoke and Jace followed along silently behind her. She stood as he sat down in the chair, in her chair, as he always did. Clary considered sitting in the other chair, she needed some distance, she wasn't sure she would be able to sit on his lap as she had done so many times before. Not now that things were, weird. Jace looked like he wasn't sure what he wanted her to do either, so she decided to just make it simple. She grabbed a cigarette, lit it quickly and then sat on the rail of the porch, she was across from him. She stretched out her legs and made a satisfied groan. She massaged one of her calves and then looked to Jace.

"Sorry, my legs are kind of sore today. Those heels last night killed me." She said in the most nonchalant tone she could muster. She continued to massage her calves, even though they didn't really hurt.

There was a lot of silence that Clary didn't know how to fill. She just drank more coffee and took more hits of her cigarette; she waited until Jace finally spoke.

"I'm leaving." He said his voice low.

"What?" Clary said, her head snapping up.

"Not like right now. But in a couple of months, I'm leaving." He amended.

"I don't understand." Clary said now utterly confused. He seemed to be having a hard time saying whatever it was he wanted to say.

"A few months ago I signed up for the Air Force. I start training in 6 months and from there I don't know." He couldn't even look at her as he said it.

Clary felt a dropping sensation take over her. Like the whole world had suddenly shifted down a foot. She grabbed onto the rail to keep from falling but soon realized nothing had actually moved. There was silence again, and neither of them looked at each other.

"I think I might head home, dad said he needed me to help him with some yard work today since I don't work." Jace said after awhile. Clary just nodded, keeping her gaze downward.

From the corner of her vision she saw him leave. Once he was down the road far enough that she couldn't see his golden hair reflecting in the summer sun, she bolted inside. Izzy wasn't home, she was at work. Clary didn't have to work and she was all alone. She was alone and felt like she was about to die. A part of her wanted to die.

Clary rushed upstairs, taking them two at a time. She burst through the door to her room and headed straight for the closet. Everything she had was soon scattered about, but she had found what she needed. Her fist tightly clenched around her bottle of pills. The ones that made her forget.

She popped a pill into her mouth and swallowed it down. She had about 30 minutes until it would kick in, 30 minutes until she would go_ orbital_. That's what her manager had always called her when she was on her pills, like instead of being with everyone else her head was off in space. There was a calming feeling knowing that there was a clock ticking down to oblivion. She sat in her closet until she felt her head go fuzzy, and it was like she couldn't remember why she had been upset.

Jace had told her he's leaving, come winter he would be off protecting freedom and saving lives. Clary felt as she gave herself a mental pat on the back. Good thing she hadn't really become attached to him after all.

After that thought, Clary forgot it all.

* * *

Clary started taking her pills regularly. Each day blurring into the next. She only took them when she was at home, knowing it wasn't smart to drive after taking them, but they helped her to remember how to push everything down until nothing really mattered anymore.

She didn't take them on Wednesdays; she didn't want to forget the good days. She hadn't seen much of Jace and she figured that was probably for the best. He clearly had some big things on his plate. He came along with the others to goth night, and Clary didn't have to pretend like the kiss hadn't happened, she wasn't even focused on that anymore.

One night Jordan had pulled her to the side and told her that Jonathan still had a girlfriend, he had never broken up with her.

"Oh well, that's his shit to deal with not mine." Clary had said.

Clary found she really enjoyed her time with Jonathan, not that she had any feelings for him, but he gave her something to look forward to. She felt pretty when she was with him.

Every week was the same, go to the club and bring Jonathan home. Have sex. Sometimes Jonathan stayed the night with her, sometimes he would stay all of Thursday where they wouldn't even bother with putting on clothes or leaving the bedroom.

Clary ended up moving rooms to the one at the furthest down the hall. It wasn't wall-to-wall with Izzy, which served them both well. Clary's new room was much bigger than the last one, but she didn't have a closet so her clothes were neatly stacked and lined up against one wall. Clary had put some serious thought into getting a dog; she could use one for her panic attacks. They were getting bad again. She had one in the bathroom a few days prior. She started looking online and found a German Shepherd puppy for adoption named Spencer. She put in an application and waited for a response.

Her dad had finally called and apologized which was what she had been waiting for. They were slowly building back a relationship, and he wanted her to come back home. Clary couldn't forget the fact that it took him 3 days to notice she had moved out. 3 DAYS! The only reason why they were fighting was because he was putting more energy into his new girlfriend that was suddenly living with them than he was into her. His girlfriend was a crazy bitch, she poured bleach on all of Clary's favorite clothes because Clary had started a load of her clothes with the "wrong" detergent. At least none of her clothes had been damaged, which was more than Clary could say for her own clothes. There had been a pair of pants in there that Sebastian had bought for herm she hadn't been ready to let them go yet. No one had ever taken her clothes shopping before, and he had bought her an entire outfit. Clary didn't even own many things that weren't handed down to her from her cousins, let alone something completely new. And the bitch had poured bleach all over it, and then when it came to it, her dad yelled at Clary like she had been wrong.

At least now Clary and her dad were back talking, but there was no way that she was moving back in with him while she was still there. Not to mention, moving back into the rural area meant a longer drive to all her jobs, a longer drive to the club, and certainly no fuck-buddy coming back home with her. No Clary liked where she lived.


	11. Chapter 11

**Only got one saying that short chapters more often is preferred so that's what i will be doing. Works well for me too. I am happily announcing that I am about to go on vacation, only for 4 days, but it's for my birthday so I am very happy. Leave your thoughts, it kills me when I don't hear from you. **

* * *

With nothing to gain  
Here's the clincher, this should be you  
(Made cold and crippled)  
This happened to be never changing  
Holding inside, the phobia viewed  
Made cold and crippled, ending it all

Chevelle – The Clincher

* * *

The next time Clary went to the club there were posters floating around announcing next week was the fourth of July party. They were having a foam party. Clary had always wanted to go to one of those bubble clubs she had heard about but there weren't any nearby. A foam party sounded like a hell of a good time.

Goth night had been doing amazing things to Clary's body. Where she was thin before, she was now becoming toned. Her stomach was flatter than she ever could have imagined it could be. Her outfits were beginning to be little more than decorative underwear. She had gone out to one of the local adult stores and purchased a few of their exotic dancing outfits. It was like wearing a bathing suit with fishnets and heels.

Clary stopped worrying if she looked like a whore. She really didn't give a shit about anything. Jonathan was beginning to act weird. Jordan said he was suddenly growing a conscious about his girlfriend. Clary just shrugged her shoulders. That seemed to be her basic response to most things anymore. She wasn't forcing him to have sex with her, he was always rather willing. If he didn't want to be her Wednesday, that was fine with her, she would find someone else who did.

Jonathan had come up to the club but he was utterly ignoring Clary. He wasn't even hanging out with the other men. He was out mingling. So Clary danced by herself until she felt the need for a smoke and signaled to Jace. They hadn't spoken a word of their kiss, but at least things were starting to go back to normal.

While Clary was out and enjoying her smoke, she heard a British accent and couldn't help but peer her head. There was a group of guys, the one with the accent was extremely attractive. He has short dark hair, but a certain charm to him like he could easily have been a businessman. A very young, hot businessman, but one all the same. Clary left her spot and found herself walking over to this unknown group.

She paused to listen for a second that way she could make a comment on something they had said. The hot one noticed her then.

"Hi, I'm Clary. I couldn't help but appreciate your accent, there's nothing hotter than a British accent." She said boldly.

He looked to his friend and smiled. "I told you girls went nuts over it." He said, completely void of any accent at all.

Clary was stunned. He had done it so well she had been utterly convinced it was real.

"Sorry to disappoint you Clary. My name's Zachariah but everyone calls me Zach, and I'm American." He said it with disappointment like he knew she would walk away.

Clary was intrigued, if he had been using the fake accent to pick up girls, it wouldn't make sense for him to out himself immediately. She didn't think he had been intentionally dishonest with her.

"You know that might work better as a pickup ploy if you don't immediately out yourself." Clary said giggling a bit.

"I don't think I could ever use something that dishonest to get a girl interested in me. I mean can you imagine things go great but now I'm stuck with a fake accent for the rest of my life." He said laughing.

"You really out here looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with?" Clary said cocking one eyebrow.

"I'm not saying I'm going to find it right away, but what's the point of looking unless your trying to see if they're marriage potential?" Zach said looking to Clary with intensity. That was the way Clary used to think, and the way she used to live her love life. She didn't really think there was anyone out there who really thought that way.

Clary smiled, "It's been a while since I met a gentleman."

Clary and Zach talked for awhile. He was a student in college just like she was. In his down time he volunteered for the school radio, which was where he had learned all his accents. He could do British, Irish, and a dodgy Australian. Clary found herself attracted to more than just his looks, he was a good person, from a good sounding family. They exchanged numbers and Clary hoped she would hear from him again.

She returned to her group and Izzy was standing there, hands on her hips tapping her heel. She instantly grabbed Clary by her arm and dragged her around the building to a little cove where some people liked to park their cars.

"Did you find yourself a new toy?" she asked, her tone was not amused.

"What does it matter?" Clary said harshly, ripping her arm out of Izzy's grasp.

"What's going on with Jonathan? I've seen him flirting with at least 3 girls tonight?" she asked, her voice softer.

"I don't know, I'm not his girlfriend or his mom. I don't really give a duck what he does." Clary said harshly, she had noticed his flirting too, for someone so concerned about their girlfriend he sure wasn't being so faithful.

"So are you looking for a replacement or something more?" Izzy asked giving her a look. Clary saw Izzy's eyes flick behind her, so Clary took a look and saw Jace standing there trying not to be obvious he was watching her.

"I don't think I can do more." She said softly before turning back to Izzy.

Maybe Jonathan running around hurt her a little more than she wanted to admit even to herself. Maybe that meant she cared for him more than nothing. If she cared he could hurt her. She couldn't be hurt, she had come close enough with Jace.

"Iz, do me a favor and steady out of it." Clary said stomping away.

If Jonathan wanted to play games then she would play them twice as well. She took out her phone and typed quickly. She finished with a smile and went back into the club knowing she would win. Clary went to the dance floor and headed straight for the raised platform. She dubbed it as hers and began to dance atop it. Jace came and leaned against the wall nearby. Clary tried not to look at him too much, out still hurt her chest a little.

Before long she saw some familiar hair walk into the club, looking around. He was looking for her. His name is Jeremiah, they had met her first year of college when she was 16. They had been friends ever since. She always knew that whenever she called him, he would always come for her. She knew he would date her in a heartbeat, but she valued their friendship too much.

Jeremiah brought two guys with him, Clary had never met either of them before. Clary squealed and jumped from the platform, she was happy she landed without breaking her ankles. She ran over to him and he enveloped her in a giant hug and picked her up, spinning her around.

"Hey there beautiful." He said when he set her down.

It was something he always said to her when he was talking to her. It was something she loved about him.

"I wasn't sure you would make it over here. I know this really isn't your thing." Clary said still smiling.

"Yeah well they have a bar so I can make it my thing. Plus you said you were having boy problems, and you need to make someone a little jealous?" Her said with a smirk, looking around. "Where is he?"

"He's the blonde over there flirting with everything that moves." Clary said motioning over to Jonathan. "He's got a girlfriend, but we've been sleeping together, and now he suddenly claims he's getting a conscious but he's over there..."Clary trailed off.

"Will by the fact that he's looked over here at least 5 times in the past minute I would bet this is going to be easy. But I have to ask, have you heard from Sebastian lately?" Jer asked, his eyes full of concern.

* * *

Jer had known Clary since before she had even met Sebastian. Jer had been through the entire fucked up relationship by Clary's side.

Sebastian had proposed once he was out of the hospital and Clary had said yes even though they had never even kissed. She felt like he was get knight in shining armor come to save her from the shit fucking life she had known. There was one serious problem that Clary had to face after the rape, she needed to get tested for STDs. Clary had a hard time with it but she had made the appointment and went in while they poked, prodded, and scrubbed around her. They said the results would be back in two weeks. Clary cried over the phone with Sebastian every day during the two-week wait. He told her it didn't matter what the results came back as, he would love her forever and stay with her no matter what. Clary insisted that if the tests came back positive that he should be with someone else. Someone that he could actually be with. Maybe that had been her downfall, that one sentence of thinking about what would be great for him probably opened the door for him to think that being with anyone he wanted was perfectly acceptable.

When Sebastian took another girl to a dance even though Clary begged him not to, Jeremiah was right there for her. Clary hasn't lost her sense of will, but she was hopelessly in love with Sebastian, so even through this betrayal she couldn't leave him. Her claimed it was nothing, she was a friend nothing more. He said she was like a sister to him. Her name was Aline, but she preferred Ali. Clary thought of her as Ally-cat, those ones that go around whoring up any Tom they can find.

Maybe Clary would have been ok with with it if she really felt like they were just friends. Maybe she would have been jealous anyways. But you can't say someone is like a sister to you when you have already fucked them before.

Clary told him she wasn't speaking to him for 24 hours as punishment. They had never gone 24 hours without at least a phone call. It was sure as hell hurting her, it had to hurt him too right? She volunteered to work some extra shifts and worked the night shift. She had just gotten a job working at a movie theater and was training so they were all too happy to give her the latest shift possible, and on a Friday night meant that she would not get off work until 2am Saturday morning. Clary hoped that would help her to keep her promise to not look at her phone, to not text or call him. After the first few hours she just decided it was best to turn the phone off all together. There was a part of her that had wanted him to call her anyways, to realize what a mistake he was making.

When she had gotten off work she trudged to her car, resisting the urge to turn her phone back on to look for a text or voicemail. It was late fall and naturally the weather would pick this particular night to shit all over her car, resulting in a crusted layer of ice snow mix all over her windshield. Clary looked all over and could not find an ice scraper. She turned on her car and had far too little gas, but she needed the glass to heat up enough to get the ice off and to get shelter from the snow storm blazing outside. She felt utterly low and didn't know what else to do, so with tears in her eyes she turned her phone on and tried not to consider the fact that she had no missed voicemails or texts. She searched her contacts for the only name she could think of that wouldn't mind her calling at 2AM, Jeremiah.

He had answered by the second ring, of course he would be awake, it was a Friday night.

"Hey there beautiful." He answered and she felt her heartbeat skip, it was exactly what she needed at this low moment.

"Jer, I'm sorry I'm calling so late. I need some help, my car's low on gas and I don't have an ice-scraper and my car is coated in ice." Clary explained trying not to let her voice crack.

"I'll be there in a few minutes, just don't freeze to death while I wait." He said before hanging up the phone. She could hear him grabbing for his keys and knew he had dropped everything to walk out the door that very second.

He had come and saved her, making her sit in his car while he de-iced hers. He had even brought a small container of gas which was just enough to get her home. Clary was eternally grateful for the help that he gave, but he had even gone a step further to follow her home, and stay with her while she cried herself to sleep over Sebastian.

* * *

"I talked to him a few weeks ago…and yeah that went about as expected." Clary said looking away. She didn't want to admit that she was the one that had initiated the contact in the first place.

"Just so long as he isn't hurting you anymore." Jer said, puffing his chest out a little bit.

"It hurts every day." Clary said and Jer just nodded knowing he was one of the rare ones she was being completely honest with.

"Well let's get on making your boy jealous, and if he's stupid enough not to see what's in front of him I would be happy to take over." He said suggestively but it made Clary laugh. Jer would make for the perfect boyfriend, which is exactly why Clary couldn't be with him, she would break him too.


	12. Chapter 12

**This last chapter I only got 2 reviews so I take it people didn't like it so well. Well I thought I would give you all some more to chew on, plus it's my BIRTHDAY! And for my birthday, i wanted a little Clace. Who else is with me?**

* * *

In this place it seems like such a shame.  
Though it all looks different now,  
I know it's still the same  
Everywhere I look you're all I see.  
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

Come on tell me

I just want something I can never have

Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have

* * *

Jeremiah danced and drank with Clary all the while Jonathan continued to sneak glances from the side. With every move Clary made Jonathan's eyes followed her.

Jer danced with Clary which didn't get her all hot and bothered like it had when she danced with Jace. Even though Clary felt silly, her evil plan seemed to be working as Jonathan had stopped flirting with other girls and his eyes were trained on her. Jer was behind her, grabbing her hips roughly grinding into her on the dance floor. Clay kept her eyes open and stared at Jonathan, she gave him her best eye fuck she could muster. It seemed like he was considering coming over to where she was on the dance floor, then suddenly he turned and headed for the door.

"Shit." Clary exclaimed as she stopped dancing.

"Guess he didn't have the balls to come get what was his." Jer whispered in her ear softly. It was an apology.

"Whatever." Clary said through clenched teeth.

Clary didn't feel like dancing anymore. She let Jer find his way back to the bar and she found her way back to Jace. He was still standing against the wall, but his eyes were hard.

"So is he coming back tonight?" Jace said, tilting his head in the way Jer had gone.

Clary looked confused and then caught on to what Jace meant. Maybe it was the overwhelming sense of shitty-ness, but Clary couldn't contain her laugher which caught Jace by surprise. She saw his eyes soften; maybe it was out of shock.

"There is absolutely nothing going on with me and Jeremiah. He's been my friend longer than I have known you. He was just helping me to get under Jonathan's skin." Clary said still laughing. Jace seemed to breathe easier.

"What about the guy you were talking to earlier?' Jace said, looking around the club.

"I don't know; he was sort of cool. I've never met him before tonight." Clary said with her own eyes scanning the crowd. She didn't see the guy she had met outside.

"So are you out looking for a boyfriend?" Jace asked, he seemed a little concerned.

Clary cocked one eyebrow up. Maybe coming from someone else she would have been offended by the question. "You know I'm not."

"I was just checking you hadn't changed your mind." Jace said and then looked down.

"Actually, do you think everyone would mind if we headed home early tonight?" Clary said, she really didn't feel like staying until close. This was a first for her.

Jace looked shocked. "Umm. No that will be fine I'm sure. Let me go tell them." Jace said blinking a few more times than he usually did. He left quickly to go round up the rest.

Clary went to inform Jer that they were all leaving. Clary invited him back to her place and he was all too happy to oblige.

They all met back up at Clary and Izzy's house. Jer had stopped by the store and picked up enough liquor for the entire house. Alec and Magnus weren't really drinkers so they left early and headed back to Magnus' house. They were probably going to work on their garage band thing.

Clary usually didn't drink, she wasn't old enough and she had been about following rules. But that was before she lost who she was. Maybe this new Clary could be happy. Jace agreed to drink with everyone, he always knew how to manage that fine line between having fun without getting into trouble. Izzy was always down for a drink and Jer was pretty much on the same wavelength as she was.

They all decided to play some sort of drinking game since Clary had never really played any drinking games before unless you count beer pong, which is pretty much a staple. This game was over complicated, it involved cards and rules and turns. Clary struggled to keep all the rules in mind, but she found that she wasn't getting as hammered as she does when she plays beer pong. Clary was feeling warm and fuzzy but she still had her mind intact and that was the way she preferred it. There is a saying about drunken words are sober thoughts, but for Clary it was the only time she really felt things like a normal person would.

Jace seemed to be having a good time, and he was keeping up drinking with Jer rather well. They seemed to be getting along rather well and Clary sighed happily, feeling grateful they weren't being all jealous of each other. She really needed both of them in her life and she would hate for either of them to get all territorial. That unfortunately was the problem with having mostly male friends. Sure you didn't have all the drama that came with girls, but they also had that primal urge to pee on everything and claim it as their own. Clary caught Jace's eye and put her fingers up to her lips.

"Pause game guys, Clary and I are taking a break… to fuck." Jace said. He was stuck following a rule where he had to say "to fuck" at the end of every sentence or else he would have to drink. There was a round of laughter from everyone as he had said it.

Clary stood and headed a little wobbly for the front door. Maybe she was a little tipsier than she had first thought. At least she could still think straight. She happily sat on Jace's lap as he opened his arms to her and she snuggled in. He lit her cigarette for her and she inhaled. There was nothing better than a cigarette when you have been drinking. She passed it along and Jace sighed when he took his own hit. It sent a wave of warmth through Clary's body. There was something so arousing about his satisfied groan. She found herself curling up into the crook of his neck where she could inhale deeply. She loved the way he smelled, and the way that made her feel.

His arm curled around her protectively and she could feel his thumb as it made small circles along the exposed skin of her back. Each turn sending more and more shivers down her spine. Clary tried to resist but a small moan escaped her lips. She felt as his muscles tensed beneath her.

"I don't know what I'm going to do when you leave me." She said without lifting her head. Sober Clary would never have admitted her fears, even to Jace. But drunk Clary felt things, and she knew that she cared for Jace far more than she should.

Jace used his finger to hook under Clary's chin. Gently he pushed her head up and cupped the side of her face. She leaned into his hand and looked deeply into her eyes. "You will do just fine because you are strong and stubborn and determined. I will think about you every day and count down the days until I see you again, but you will be here doing something amazing with your life because even though you cannot see it, I can see what amazing person you are."

His words swirled around her head. She didn't feel like she was any of those things, but without a doubt she knew he believed them to the core of his being. His eyes flicked down to her lips and she felt her heart begin to race. It was like she couldn't breathe but didn't need to all at the same time. She wanted so badly to kiss him, but she was terrified at all that could mean at the same time. The alcohol helped to steady her nerves so when his grip tightened and he pulled her into him she didn't hesitate.

Their lips met with all the passion she had given into their last kiss, only this time it was returned. Clary felt her whole body go hot and she turned into the kiss until she was straddling him in the chair. Her hands went to his hair where she felt his long silky strands. His hands were on her back, pulling her in and keeping her body tightly up against his. They broke for air but his lips never left her body, trailing down her chin to her neck. He kissed and licked her ivory white skin as he made his way to her collar bone where he bit her lightly and sucked on the delicate skin there.

Clary was breathing heavy and she didn't want to stop but the plastic chair they were in was beginning to creak and groan. Clary put her hand on his chest and pushed lightly so they could separate a few inches.

Jace looked at her and smiled, it was one of those smiles that made Clary wish they had never stopped. "That is how our first kiss should have been." He said triumphantly.

Clary smiled and laughed lightly. "Is that why I wasn't allowed to admit it ever happened?"

"Pretty much. I needed a do over, one where you didn't think I was someone else. Trust me, a part of me considered not stopping you, but you figure it out too quick." He said with a smirk.

"Oh well excuse me for knowing the difference between my fuck-buddy and my best-friend that-is-now-a complicated-thing-because-we just-kissed." Clary said rolling her eyes. She was still straddling him in the chair and while it wasn't the most comfortable position, she didn't want to move either.

Jace eyes seemed to sadden. "Yeah I guess we do need to hammer all this out now don't we."

Clary gave him a sad smile saying that he was right. She needed to know where they were standing. There was a few moments of silence before Jace began, Clary didn't know what to say.

"You're not looking for a relationship and I get that after everything that Sebastian put you through."

Clary nodded her head in agreement, there were still a lot of things she really needed to work out, and admitting they happened in the first place would have to be where she needed to start.

"And honestly I'm not in any position to begin a relationship because I have an expiration date, which wouldn't be fair to you." Jace said, his eyes flicked back to her lips. He leaned in and kissed her again, this one was much more gentle and full of passion. It was like it was from a man that knew he was going to die. "Sorry I had to do that one last time." He whispered as he pulled away.

Clary felt like her heart was ripping from her chest. Feelings things was not always great.

Jace looked into her eyes, it was a determined look. "I'm not going to hold you back." He said fiercely. "I will help you with Jonathan because as much as he is an ass, he's still a friend so I can somewhat have a say in things and you have been better since he's been with you. I also want to help you with your past, with what Sebastian did to you. We will go over it again and again and again until it doesn't hurt as much. Before I leave, the only thing I care about is knowing you are going to be ok."

Clary nodded her head. Right now she would probably agree to anything Jace said.

"But US is probably not a good idea." Jace said solemnly.

Clary agreed with him but on the inside she wanted to scream and shout and kiss him again, and drag him upstairs and… But he didn't want that, he didn't want her like that, and even though she knew why it still hurt a bit. She gave him a small smile and he gave her one back, the air around them seemed to turn colder with the conversation and Clary felt herself shiver.

"Let's go back inside and just head to bed. I miss sleeping with you on Wednesdays." He whispered and she wished for a moment he could sleep with her in the way her "Wednesday" did. She really shouldn't be having these kind of thoughts. _He's too good for me._ She reminded herself. The problem with alcohol is while it frees many things, including your tongue and inhibitions, it also limits your good intentions and rational thinking.

"Hey guys we're going upstairs." Jace announced when they came back inside.

"To FUCK." Jer yelled and then laughed. "You owe us a drink." He said raising the bottle. Jace gave him a humorous glare and then took a large swig of the amber liquid. Clary took the bottle from him and downed a gulp too before handing it back to Jer and giving him a slight smile. Jer winked at her.

Jace headed up the steps first, with his hand held behind him for Clary to grab. Her steps were a little shaky and there was a fresh burn on her lips and in her throat from that last swig. It was a slightly longer walk to her new room, but they managed fine, holding onto each other for support. Jace stripped down to his boxers as he did every night she slept over and Clary bit her lip as she really inspected his body. There was nothing more perfect in this world, his skin stretched tightly over his muscles. Everything about him was golden and Clary wasn't so sure about letting him go anymore.

The alcohol was doing the talking and her conscious had long checked out. All she knew was that with Jace she felt something, something other than lust, and right now she wasn't scared. Jace had crawled into bed and looked at her expectantly as she was still standing just inside her room. She ran her fingers through her hair, roughing it up a bit and made a bold decision. She started with her top, unbuttoning each one slowly until she was down to nothing more than her black silky bra. Next she slowly shimmied her skirt down until it pooled around her feet and she stepped out of them quickly.

She noticed Jace was watching from the bed, his hands up behind his head. It looked like he had moved his legs and shifted around a bit, but Clary couldn't really tell in the poor lighting. There was nothing more than a sliver of a moon whose light shone through her window. She closed her eyes and turned away from Jace. It was now or never.

She reached around her back and unhooked her bra, letting it slide down her arms and hit the floor. She could hear a sharp intake of breath come form Jace and she smiled. At least he wasn't yelling at her. She hooked her own underwear and pulled them down slowly until they joined the rest of her discarded clothes on the floor. She swore she could hear the pounding of her heart, and thought Jace could hear it too. She wasn't scared, but whatever she was feeling it was powerful.

She didn't look up to see Jace's reaction, instead she headed quickly for the bed and crawled under the covers with Jace.


	13. Chapter 13

**OK everyone, super excited, I wanted to get this out yesterday as a super birthday surprise for you all and I got stuck with family until I absolutely had to go to bed because I returned to work this morning, so a little later than I planned, but man it's spicy.**

* * *

I don't want to be a soldier  
Who the captain of some sinking ship  
Would stow, far below.

So if you love me, why d'you let me go?

Coldplay – Violet Hill

* * *

It was like she had just run a marathon, breathing heavy and heart hammering in her chest. She was nervous; she hadn't felt nervous about sex in ages. She lay on her back. She couldn't look over to Jace. He didn't move beside her, and she suddenly wasn't so sure about this bold move. She nearly jumped when she felt skin against hers. It was the bare tips of his fingers as they had touched her lightly before lacing in-between her fingers. He was holding her hand, the same as he had done every night before they fell asleep. Clary sighed and decided not to press the issue any further; when it had come down to it she couldn't try to seduce him.

"Goodnight." She said as she closed her eyes and drifted off into the empty wasteland that welcomed her with open eyes.

* * *

Jace felt like he couldn't breathe. Every muscle in his body went rigid until he heard the steady breathing which meant that she had finally fallen asleep. Only then did he exhale the breath he had been holding. The hand that wasn't holding hers covered his eyes and then slid slowly down his face. That had been hard, he was hard.

She seriously had no idea how sexy she was, and it had taken everything in Jace not to give in to her. He wanted to so badly; he had dreamt about it over and over for the past several months. Ever since Clary kissed him, thinking he was Jonathan he couldn't get the taste of her lips off his mind. He didn't want to make things awkward or difficult for her, but he had been itching to rip the clothes off of her ever since.

_Fuck_. He needed to stop thinking about that, he was getting harder by the second and it did not help he was lying next to a very naked Clary. That was not helping.

He didn't want to have sex with her as much as he was dying to have sex with her. She was far more transparent than she thought she was. He knew she was hurting from her ex, that asshole had assaulted her mind with expertise. He had taken his time with her, being with her at such a vulnerable time and then he had slowly stripped her of her free will. Once she was completely void of the ability to make decisions he convinced her that only he could decide what she could do and when she could do it. It was amazing that she had even mustered up the courage to leave him in the end; it was only because she was so strong and strong-willed that she had been capable of taking that stand.

Now Clary was facing a world where she had no idea how to make her own decisions all while being scared of ever being hurt again. She was so much better than this little bout of rebellion she was going through and that was why Jace needed to just be patient and support her through this time. He just wished that he hadn't signed those damn papers yet. He still would have gone into the air force, but at least he could have waited a little bit. Then maybe now as she was lying naked next to him, begging for him to touch her, maybe he could have accepted her offer.

He looked over when he started to hear her whimper and flinch. She didn't know she did this in her sleep, but Jace was used to it by now. Most nights she had nightmares, she would whimper and twitch in her sleep, sometimes she would say things that would chill him to the bones. She fought invisible intruders and pleaded with them to stop. Jace usually didn't get a whole lot of sleep when he spent the night, but when he would hold her and whisper things were ok she would calm down and go back to sleep. She didn't know it but she had been better ever since she had started seeing Jonathan. As much as it killed Jace to see _his girl_ sleeping with someone else, it really was helping her to get better.

He curled his arms around her and whispered it was ok. Her whimpering slowed and then her breathing evened out as she fell back into a deeper sleep. He would have to wake up when the sun came up and lace his fingers back into hers, she always seemed so excited at the thought that they had slept like that all night, the truth behind that was Jace's little secret.

* * *

Clary woke up to a pounding head. This is why she didn't drink, the morning after was always hell. She grumbled and moved around and the stopped suddenly. She wasn't wearing any clothes and not only that, there wasn't even a blanket covering her. She felt the cool air as it hit her overly exposed skin and she felt fingers entwined with her own, that meant Jace was lying next to her. Flashes of Jace's lips on hers, his fingers across her bare skin came to the surface of her mind. _Shit_. That's another reason why she didn't drink.

Her eyes opened to the much too bright sun flooding through her window. Jace was fast asleep next to her, his hair tousled and his chest bare. He still had the blanket covering his lower half and Clary bit her lip wondering if he was wearing anything under the covers. She couldn't remember them having sex but considering how much she drank, that didn't necessarily mean they hadn't. She reached for the corner of the blanket and slowly pulled it to cover herself but snuck a peek at the same time. He was wearing boxers, but that wasn't 100% proof they hadn't done anything either. Jace didn't even stir as the covers moved across him, he was in a deep sleep.

As much as Clary wanted to just snuggle up and go back to sleep, her head was pounding and she needed to go to the bathroom, like now. Clary bit her lip again and tried to inch her way off the bed without waking him. She scurried for some clothes before heading to the bathroom. She looked back quickly, Jace was still fast asleep, he had rolled onto his side slightly in the direction Clary had been.

Simply going to the bathroom and brushing her teeth didn't seem to be enough to make her feel better. She decided to hop into the shower quickly, hoping the hot water would open her pours and she could sweat out the remaining alcohol in her body. Her quick shower helped to make her feel better but it didn't stop the swimming sensation inside her head. She was grateful that she had the entire day off work.

She came back into her room and forgot for a second that Jace was still sleeping, well he should have still been sleeping, but instead he was wide awake but still lying in bed.

Jace looked up from the bed with a smirk. It was the type of smirk that made Clary want to jump on top of him and hit him with a pillow. There was another set of memories that flashed through her mind. Her straddling him in the chair while he kissed down her neck. She felt a shiver run down her spine and her hand came up to her neck. Shit. It was tender, and she knew what that meant.

"You gave me a damn hickey didn't you!" she said with wide eyes.

Jace's smile widened. She saw his gaze move to where her hand had just been. "Looks like I did." He said triumphantly.

Clary narrowed her eyes. "We didn't...you know..."

Jace's face fell slightly. "Jeeze Clair I didn't think you drank that much."

Clary knew she was drunk, but she hasn't had so much that she should have blacked out, but her memory was fuzzy from the moment they went out to smoke.

"I didn't think I drank that much either, but my memory is all spotty. It's kinda like when I take my..." Clary stopped suddenly as she realized it was exactly like when she took her anxiety pills that cause amnesia.

"You seriously don't remember?" Jace asked, there was no longer even a trace of a smile left on his face.

Clary cane and sat down on the bed. "I have glimpses here and there. I know, we, umm, kissed." Clary could feel her cheeks heat as she said it.

"Yeah we did, and this time I didn't tell you to forget about it but you seemed to do that anyways." Jace said a little bitterly.

"Well I didn't completely forget about it, I have..glimpses." Clary said as she started to play with her thumb ring. It was a soothing gesture she liked to do whenever she was nervous. "But I ended up in bed without any clothes on, and I don't remember any of that, so please just tell me what happened." She said without looking up.

"Oh the no clothes thing that was all you. We decided we would just be friends and we came up to bed and you did a little strip tease for me." Clary could her the smile in his voice but she couldn't look up to see his face.

"I don't know why I would have done that." She said quietly.

"Hey." Jace said, his voice soft and kind. Clary felt him pull her shin up to meet his gaze. "You don't have to be embarrassed. If you want to sleep naked next to me every night I won't mind and I will never try anything. I'm a little bummed you don't remember last night, we had a great talk." The look in his eyes was sincere and that made Clary feel a little better.

"What did we talk about?" Clary wished she could remember better but not much was making a whole lot of sense to her.

"Well after we kissed we decided it was a one-time thing. A sort of do-over from last time, but you don't want a relationship, I'm leaving come winter, it's just not smart. You are going to tell me all about Sebastian and help sort through all that shit. In return I'm going to be supportive of you and Jonathan and whatever kind of thing you got going on with him."

Clary was silent for a moment and let it all sink in. Jace and she weren't together and they never were going to be. He must have had a bruised ego about their last kiss that he needed to have cleared up. He was supportive of her fucking one of his friends and he wanted to talk about her ex. That pretty much summed it up and Clary felt slightly disappointed. Maybe she had to have been there to really get it.

"Well if that's what we decided then I guess it sounds good." She said quietly.

Jace frowned. "Would you rather something else?"

"No, I just wish I could remember the conversation better. Sounds fine to me." She said in her best fake impression of being completely content.

"Oh." Jace said clearing his throat. "Good. So, what do you want to do today since we are both off?"

"I think I want to crawl back into bed and sleep some of this hangover off." Clary said getting back under the covers and cuddling up against Jace's side.

He wrapped his arm around her and held her tightly. This is exactly what she needed to ease the pounding in her head. She found herself quickly slipping back into sleep despite the bright sun that shone through her windows.

"I hope you can remember more when you wake up again." Jace whispered into her hair as she let herself float into the darkness.

* * *

Golden hair and a golden body was lying beneath her as she straddled him and looked down from above. He smiled up at her and she smiled back before leaning in for a kiss. His hand came up and grabbed the hair at the back of her head and pulled roughly, her neck craning back so he could access her neck with greater ease. She moaned at the sensation and she ground her hips into his.

She could feel the slight itch of lace covering her sensitive breasts, and the thin fabric between her thighs prevented her from getting the friction she needed. She itched to be rid of her clothes, to feel the full skin on skin contact.

He used her hair to control her, bringing her lips back to his own where he forced them apart and plunged his tongue into her mouth. She met his with her own greedily and relished the taste of him. She felt as his hips came up and rubbed against her. She pushed back on her own and felt the hardness of his erection. She moaned again and this time he caught it with his mouth.

"I love the sounds you make." He whispered against her lips before claiming them again. He pushed against her with his hips again and Clary obliged with another guttural sound which caused him to growl deep in his throat. Clary responded by taking his lower lip between her teeth and gently pulled before releasing it to swipe her tongue across it. He pulled on her hair again sharply and bucked his hips. Clary's head fell back and she squeaked a high pitched little noise.

Jace sat up with her, making her back arch as he still applied pressure between his thighs. "I'm going to make you scream my name over and over until it is the only word you remember." He whispered huskily into her ear. His lips found her earlobe and he bit then sucked it into his mouth, driving her crazy as he did it.

She felt his hands reach around her back and quickly undo her bra strap and freeing her of the irritating lace. She sighed in contentment once the cloth was free from her body but soon the sigh turned into a yelp as he dipped his head to cover her breasts with his mouth. Her hands fisted into his hair, she pushed him away and pulled him closer to her all at the same time. She was completely overwhelmed by the sensations and was unsure if she wanted him to stop or to keep going.

Suddenly, when she felt like she couldn't take it any longer he flipped her onto her back and he hovered above her with a smirk. His lips returned to hers briefly before he found her ear again to whisper. "Brace yourself, the screaming is about to begin." He said roughly as his hand snaked down between her thighs and he rubbed a finger against the thin fabric.

Clary bit her lip and pressed into the mattress to hold back whatever noise was threatening to escape her lips. Jace's mouth was on hers suddenly and his teeth grabbed her lip and pulled it free. "None of that. I told you I want to hear you." He said with such intensity it made Clary whimper and push against his hand.

"That's better." He said with a smile.

Jace sat up, and Clary remained lying on the mattress completely at his will. Jace's eyes raked up and down her body and he looked at her hungrily which made her mouth go dry at the intensity. He used his fingers to slowly brush against her skin as he felt her from the tops of her breasts ghosting all the way down until he hooked both sides of her underwear. His fingers continued downward with her underwear still snagged and she lighted her hips lightly so he could continue to pull them down.

Once they were free from her body he threw them to the side and then looked back to her with such a gleam in his eyes. Her knees were slightly bent on each side of him and that was where he began to kiss. First his lips peppered kisses on one leg and then moved to the other. He slowly moved up each leg, alternating between the two, spreading them apart as he went.

Clary resisted the urge to bite down on her lower lip and whimpered as he slowly teased her. When he got to the tops of her thighs he had to fight her natural urge to close them. His hands were placed firmly one on each side as he held her open for him. He looked up to her and caught her gaze, he had a wicked smile.

His head dipped down and he kissed directly between her thighs and was rewarded with another high pitched squeal as Clary's back bowed from the bed. This seemed to spur him on as he relentlessly attacked her with his lips and tongue. Clary hands were balled up in the sheets as she tried desperately to find anything to hold onto.

Jace ran his nose along her length and then followed with his tongue, completely worshipping her. She could feel herself building and whimpered, "Jace."

"Say it again." He murmured against her and the vibrations raced through her body winding her tighter.

"Jace." He half yelled as she began to breathe heavier. She was so close, so incredibly close to losing herself. Jace flicked his tongue expertly and sent her over the edge, screaming his name.

* * *

Clary woke up suddenly, her heart racing and her breathing labored. She could still feel the throbbing between her legs. She had just had an orgasm, a real one, while she was sleeping.

Her eyes opened and she realized she was still in bed, cuddled up with Jace. His leg was between her thighs as she had one draped over him. She tried desperately to catch her breath and was startled by Jace's voice, it was low and husky in her ear.

"Sounds like you were having a good dream." He said pushing the hair out of her face. It stuck to her forehead lightly.

"Yeah a little bit." She squeaked out. Jace was still only in his boxers and the way her leg was positioned she could feel how hard he was. He wasn't just a little hard, he was fully at attention.

"What were you dreaming about?" He asked lightly, Clary could almost hear laughter in his voice.

"Nothing too exciting." Clary tried to shrug it off, hoping she hadn't been making the same noises as she had been in the dream.

"I thought I heard my name." Jace said looking into Clary's eyes and she had to turn away quickly or else he might see the truth in hers.

"Maybe you were just dreaming." She said quietly as the throbbing ebbed away.


	14. Chapter 14

**More fun times ahead. Please take note of any changes in Clary's thinking patterns or behaviors and when they occur. She can be very frustrating as she is bi-polar, we know that, so many times she will contradict herself, but greater plan here also her thinking is very different depending on who she around, and espically when she is by herself. Also a little Jace POV here.**

* * *

And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't wanna go home right now

Goo Goo Dolls – Iris

* * *

"Hey I'm going to run back over to my house and shower and change then I'll be right back." Jace said and Clary could tell by his voice he wasn't buying any of what Clary was trying to cover. At least he wasn't embarrassing her by pressing the subject.

"Sounds good." Clary said as she moved her leg off of him, trying desperately not to touch him as she did it. Clary closed her eyes and felt weight shift on the mattress and she knew he was getting out of bed. Clary tried to discreetly sneak a peek. He went over to his clothes that were piled up on her floor, her outfit from last night mixed into the heap. He grabbed his pants first and Clary watched as he struggled to get them on in spite of his...obstacle. Clary didn't want him to notice her looking.

Clary didn't open her eyes again until she heard her door shut and then she groaned out in frustration and curled herself into a little ball. _What the hell was with that dream? _She had woken up not even exhausted but ready to go for another round. She really wished she could remember the kiss they had shared and wondered if it was anywhere near to what she had just dreamed. Clary felt even more flustered now that he was gone. _Why the hell did she have a sex dream about Jace?_

She rationalized in her mind it was just her body revolting against not having sex on her Wednesday night as it had grown used to. She seriously needed to do something about that, but she didn't have Jonathan's number. Guess he didn't want her calling when he was with his girlfriend. She flipped through the numbers on her phone until she saw a name that made her stop. Jordan, he could help.

Her fingers flew across her phone as she sent out a quick text. She waited impatiently but it wasn't long until she got a response, one that made her grin.

* * *

Jace's short walk home seemed to take forever as he was about as uncomfortable as one could get. His jeans were strained to their breaking point. He was glad that no one was home when he burst through the door and headed straight upstairs, bypassing his room and heading straight for the bathroom. He peeled his clothes off and turned the shower on.

He had done his best to resist his red-headed vixen. Last night when she straddled his lap and kissed him was manageable. When she slowly took off her clothes for him and crawled into bed naked was difficult. This morning when she hadn't remembered their night Jace felt crushed, but when she curled up at his side he mentally licked his wounds.

Jace stepped into the warm shower, he wasn't bothering with cold this time, there was only one way to get rid of a problem this big. He was on edge and energized and could feel each drop of water as it ran down his body. Clary was going to be the death of him and she had no idea the things she did to him.

He braced himself with one arm against the tiled wall and his other hand firmly wrapped around himself. He thought back to what had happened just a few moments ago.

Jace had enjoyed Clary snuggling with him, she had fallen asleep quickly and he enjoyed getting to wrap his hands around her now not naked form. He was about to drift off when her whimpering began. He went to reassure her through the coming nightmare but was halted by her slight moan. He didn't dare to move a muscle, not believing what he thought was happening. Then Clary had done it again, a slight whimper but this noise was not created out of fear, it was pleasure. Jace wasn't sure what he should do but his body had ideas of its own. One's he wouldn't dare act on unless he was dreaming. He decided to wait it out, but she just kept moaning and then he felt her press up against his thigh. At first it had been a light pressure like she was just stirring a bit, but after the first it became more obvious she was looking for friction.

Jace bit his own lip to stifle a groan. _Why did the world hate him so much? How many times would he have to refuse her before he caved?_ It was just barely bearable until he heard his name whispered from her lips. He felt her fingers ball up, her nails digging into his side. He couldn't just lie there anymore, but what could he do without scaring her? Maybe she would wake up on her own he had thought, but as she breathed heavier he knew instinctively that was a vain thought. His mental resolve was past the breaking point and he couldn't help himself but make the smallest of moves.

She was practically straddling one of his legs, grinding against it. When she pushed against him he lightly pushed back with his leg. The noise that came from her was high pitched and sexy as fuck. He growled and she moaned his name. He tensed again, thinking she might have woken up. But her eyes never opened and she seemed to seek out the added friction he had been providing. He had mentally cursed himself and then he pushed back against her as she ground into his leg. They played back and forth like this for a while and her breathing became more shallow and she continued to make little noises that were driving him crazy. He could tell she was getting close but he wondered if she would wake up before she came.

Jace was standing under the warm stream of water remembering all the little noises she had made while he moved one hand across his length. She wasn't exactly a loud person but her tones had gone higher and higher the tighter she was wound. His eyes were closed and he imagined that Clary had woken up just before she finished. Her eyes wide and dark with need. He imagined her grabbing him roughly bringing her lips to his as she pushed him onto his back and climbed up on top of him. She would grind on him but this time not against his leg as they would kiss like they had done last night on the chair. She would sit up and take her shirt off and then brace herself with her hands flat on his chest while she continued to move against him. He imagined all the noises he had heard her make, the way his name rolled off her tongue as she whimpered. He wanted to make her say his name over and over; he would never tire of the sound. He imagined her taking off all her clothes and then ridding him of his own.

His grip tightened as he hardened even more. It had all been so close to reality, he had heard her scream his name at the end as her body shook lightly. Her breathing was labored, her noises high-pitched and he imagined being inside her, feeling her convulse around him. He thought back again to the way she had said his name right at the end and he nearly lost his balance saying her's. He blinked a few times and his vision spotted. He had never felt anything quite like that before in his life, and that was only a fantasy, he wondered what it would actually feel like to be with her.

It took him until the water ran cold to regain his full senses. He dressed quickly and then head back out the door to go to Clary's house. He knew he had been in the shower for awhile and wondered what she would think._ Should he tell her that he knew she was dreaming about him? What would that do to their plans to stay just friends now that he knew she thought of him like that? _

He never had time to answer his own mental questions because as he approached her house he noticed there was a car in the driveway; Jonathan's.

* * *

It hadn't taken long before Jordan and Jonathan showed up at her house. She was still waiting for Jace to come back, but she wasn't sure if there was going to be one of those awkward moments or not so she was actually glad the other guys got there first. Clary was sitting in front of her computer working on a new playlist. Jonathan said hi and Clary watched his eyes go immediately to the red splotch on her neck. She smiled; he must have thought Jer caused it.

"So did you have anything fun planned red?" Jordan asked but before Clary could answer Jace walked in.

Clary looked away from Jace quickly. It was hard to look at him without thinking about her dream and the ways he had touched her, even if it wasn't real. Jordan and Jonathan were still waiting for a response, and Clary tried to piece together her scrambled mind to come up with an answer other than, "I just wanted to get Jonathan here for a quick fuck so I don't have anymore dreams of my best friend."

"I was just thinking we could all hang out not at goth night for once. You know, so we can have a conversation and actually hear each other's response." Clary said with a shrug, it was a lame excuse and she hoped they wouldn't just leave.

"Cool." Jordan said with real enthusiasm. He came and sat down on the couch near Clary's chair and started up a conversation.

Clary didn't tell him much about herself, or at least not much of the big stuff. She told him that she likes to draw and paint but she didn't have any of her art pieces here. Clary felt sort of dumb but Jordan kept asking questions, keeping the conversation going. Jonathan and Jace just sat and listened, Jace knew the answers to every question Jordan asked and Jonathan knew none of it.

Clary was mentally beginning to freak out, trying to think how to steer the conversation into something she could use to her advantage. She caught Jace's gaze quickly and she could tell he was internally laughing at her. Clary was about to give up this venture as a failure when Izzy walked through the door, done with her shift. Clary jumped up from the chair, so happy to see Izzy because if there was anyone in this world that could help Clary get Jonathan up to her room, it was Izzy.

Clary crossed the room and gave Izzy a hug. While she did she whispered "Help" in Izzy's ear. Clary pulled back enough to plead with Izzy with her eyes. Izzy smiled and patted Clary's hair.

"Hey guys. Let's go to the strip club." Izzy shouted and then took out her phone and sent a few texts.

Clary just stood there, her mouth agape, that was not exactly what Clary was thinking, but she shrugged and looked to Jace who shrugged back at her. "I guess we're going to the strip club." Clary said.

Clary had never been to a strip club before, even though this one wasn't very far from their house. It advertised as having 48 beautiful girls and 2 ugly ones. Clary had to stifle a laugh, she hoped that was really a joke but how awkward would it be to work there trying to figure out who the two ugly ones were. Clary was surprised in the parking lot as Jer pulled up. She gave him a questioning glace and he walked over to her.

"Hey there beautiful." He said as he wrapped her in a hug. "Izzy text me, round two of making blondie jealous, but after last night I was wondering if you switched horses. Nice hickey by the way." He whispered in her ear before pulling back to give her a kiss on the cheek.

Clary knew she was blushing and her hand went to the side of her neck. The gesture did not go unnoticed by Jonathan who turned and swiftly walked toward the club ahead of the rest. Clary stared up to the building. She wasn't sure exactly how this plan would pay to in her own favor, but she had learned just to trust Izzy, that most of the time she knew what she was doing, even when the idea sounded utterly ridiculous to her. But taking a bunch of boys to see women dance and take of their clothes, Clary failed to grasp how that would help her get one in particular to notice her.

"Coming?" Izzy shouted from the door, Clary had just been standing in the parking lot; Jace was still by her side.

Clary sighed and then started to walk again. She was going to do this, at least for the experience, but she still wasn't so convinced this wouldn't turn out to be a complete disaster.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hello everyone, I hope your weekend was a good one. I had a bit of a tough time and hit one of my depressive lows which is why I haven't posted in a few days. I'm back on medication again, which I feel changes my personality a bit so I'm not sure if it's going to interfere with my posting or not. Well I hope you all enjoy the strip club, I'm sure there will be people not happy with what happened, but hey, my story and I gotta take you on a ride to get you to the end. **

* * *

Hey  
You're crazy bitch  
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it  
When I dream, I'm doing you all night  
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch

* * *

Clary had never been inside a strip club before and somehow it was even dirtier than she expected. The whole space was scarcely lit except for the stage which was lined with lights. The air seemed thick but not pleasantly like goth night, it was like you could taste the desperation in the air. The guys had all arranged themselves in a line around the stage where a young woman was dancing in just a small thong and tall boots that came up above her knees. Clary was mesmerized by the way she was able to twist and turn her body, exercising complete control over her muscles. It didn't affect Clary the way it did the men, all at attention and occasionally adjusting themselves. But Clary found them to be beautiful in their own way.

Izzy sat back at a table and Clary joined her while the boys sat up close and personal with the nearly naked lady that suddenly was getting completely naked. Clary's jaw about hit the floor when the girl's small underwear was discarded and she continued to dance baring it all.

"Izzy are you out of your mind? How it's taking a bunch of boys to a strip club going to help me?" Clary said trying to talk over the music.

"Just wait and see, and try using that brain of yours. Men like to watch, it gets then all hot and bothered, then when we leave you will have a while car full of guys ready to have sex." Izzy said with a smile but the thought of that just horrified Clary.

"What in the hell should I do with a car full of horny boys, I'm not going to sleep with all of them." Clary yelled.

"Well I certainly hope you wouldn't be sleeping with all of them." Izzy said with a raised eyebrow.

"Then why bring all of them?" Clary said completely confused.

"We need them." Izzy said simply.

"For what!" Clary said but Izzy just gave her a knowing smirk, bit said no more.

The song was over and the girl scattered to collect her thrown dollars and grab her clothing before heading off stage. She was replaced by another girl, this one was dressed.

The music started, it was a dark rock song, the kind Clary listened to when she was at the club. This girl was prettier than the last with dark hair and darkly colored eyes. Her outfit looked like a short skin tight black dress with chunks missing out the sides. She was dark and mysterious yet still beautiful. The announcer introduced her as Lilith, obviously a stage name.

Clary sat transfixed and watched the woman twist her body around sensuality before heading for the pole in the center of the stage. She caressed the pole lightly before taking a firm grip. She twirled her body around the pole, using the strength from her arms and the momentum of her swing. She used her legs to capture the pole and then she took her hands off and held herself just a few feet off the ground by the strength of her thighs.

Clary watched as the girl bowed her body back and slowly pulled the dress from her body. She was left in nothing more than tall boots and a matching pair of red and black laced bra and underwear set. The boys hooted and hollered like boys do when they forget to act like gentlemen. It wasn't long before the dancer removed her bra and Clary was no longer as interested as she had been.

"She would make a good match for you." Izzy said with a smile.

"I am not going home with a girl." Clary said outraged.

Izzy rolled her eyes, "That is so not what I was saying."

Clary's eyes flitted back to the stage where the girl was completely naked and the boys were practically drooling over themselves. Once the song was over the girl picked up her belongings and headed off stage as the last one had done. This time another girl did not immediately step forth but the announcer's voice came loud over the speakers.

"Tonight is amateur night for a grand prize of $500! Unfortunately only two lovely ladies have entered and we need a minimum of three participants for the contest. If anyone else would like to enter please see the manager with your state issued ID. In the meantime let your senses get washed away by White Diamond."

Clary looked over to Izzy in a state of utter disbelief. There was no way that Izzy was trying to get her to do what she thought she was trying to get her to do. Izzy looked over to her with a slight smile and shrugged her shoulders.

"They judge based on popular vote by the crowd, and we did bring our own crowd. But it's up to you." Izzy said slyly.

Clary sat and thought about it for a minute. There weren't that many people there since it was a Thursday, she could likely win just from that. That, however, would mean getting on stage and taking her clothes off in front of her friends and strangers. Clary didn't think the highest of herself but she knew that men in particular liked the way that she looked. She wasn't too against the idea of being naked in front of people, being violated as many times as she had she had more of a numbed feeling toward the ownership of her body but she had always thought herself better than that. _Wasn't she?_

The Clary she had always thought herself to be had done pretty poorly in life and had gotten into a mess of things without even trying. It was like bad was always waiting in the wings for her and would find her no matter how hard she tried to just be a good person. There's a saying, you can't rape the willing, and Clary was so tired of being raped, maybe the only way not to was to just be willing.

Clary made up her mind and fished around her purse for her ID. She made Izzy come with her as she marched up to the manager.

"I would like to enter the amateur contest." She said confidently.

The manager looked her up and down, seemingly approvingly. "Have you ever danced before red?" He asked her and his voice made her want to cringe.

"Never like this no. But I do go to the club a lot and I like to dance there on the platforms. But this is amateur night and I am an amateur." Clary said trying not to let her voice falter.

The manager laughed and it shocked Clary. "The other "amateurs" are just girls that work at other clubs or retired dancers. I can't put you on stage, you would get laughed off."

Clary couldn't decide if she was relieved or disappointed. She guessed she really didn't actually feel either of them, but she knew that she should.

"Hey red." The manager said as she went to walk away. "If you are looking for a job, you can interview next Sunday, not this one coming up, but the next at 3pm. Prepare a dance to a song you like, get an outfit and show me what you got. You have to be fully naked for at least thirty seconds, but when and how is up to you. If you show potential I'll have one of my girls train you and before you know it you'll be bringing in more than five-hundred dollars."

Clary gave a smile and walked away. She had never been given a job interview like this before and as creepy as the guy had been, she could bring in a lot more money than she made from all 3 of her jobs combined. Clary decided not to just shrug it off but to let her-self think about it for awhile before she made her decision.

"So are you going to compete?" Jer asked when he saw her and Izzy walk back.

"No, the others aren't really amateurs so he wouldn't let me. But he did offer me a job interview." Clary said trying to sound uplifting. She wondered what Jer would have to say about her taking her clothes off for money.

"If you decide to do it, let me know, I'll be in every day with a stack of ones." Jer said with a wink and a laugh. She could tell he was just joking, but she was sure that if she did accept the offer Jer would show up every now and then.

"Time for plan B." Izzy said, taking Clary by the hand and pulling her over to the bar.

"Iz I'm not old enough to drink, and neither is Joanthan. I don't think getting us wasted is the best plan." Clary said rolling her eyes.

Izzy pulled a twenty from nowhere, "Hey, I would like to buy a lap dance for my friend." She said to the woman at the bar, when she turned Clary realized it was the girl called Lilith that had just gotten off the stage. She smiled at the money and took it from Izzy.

"Which one?" Lilith said looking past Izzy to the boys that were half watching the naked woman, half watching Izzy talk to a stripper.

"Her." Izzy said motioning to Clary. Clary started to cough in surprise.

"What!?" Clary said, regaining her breath.

Lilith looked to Clary and smiled wide and then took her hand and began to drag her to the back room. Clary looked back to Izzy who was just smiling. The boys had stopped watching the stage all together and just looked after Clary with their mouth's hanging wide open.

Clary was pulled into a tiny room that had a curved chair in front of a tony circular stage with a pole in the middle of it. "Sit." Lilith commanded and Clary sat immediately.

Lilith took position on the pole and began to move lightly back and forth as the next song started to play.

"You were the one that tried to go up on amateur night weren't you?" Lilith said with a smile and Clary could feel her cheeks heat up. She was incredibly uncomfortable but she didn't want to offend this girl she was stuck in a tiny room with.

"It was my friend's idea, the one that bought me the dance. She's just trying to help me with some guy problems." Clary said swallowing hard as Lilith stopped dancing with the pole and moved in front of her.

Lilith sat astride Clary and began to move on her lap, rubbing her body all against Clary. Clary wasn't feeling turned on like she was sure any of the guys would have been. "She trying to get you to switch teams?" Lilith said in Clary's ear.

"No, no, no. I think she's just trying to get the guy all worked up so when we leave I'm best option." Clary said, she could hear her voice shaking.

Lilith continued to grind up against her body which was strange and awkward for Clary. "You can touch me you know." Lilith said taking one of Clary's hands and putting it on her breast. Clary removed her hand at once.

"I though no touching was one of the biggest rules?" Clary asked, that at least was how it was in every movie she had ever seen.

"That's just for the boys. They can get a little grabby. The girls are much more respectful. Most of us are lesbians anyway, we don't really mind when a girl comes in and wants to touch. Especially one as cute and innocent as you." Lilith purred as she took Clary and spread her legs open. She brushed over Clary's underwear with her finger and Clary felt a shiver run down her spine.

"I really am not into girls." Clary said swallowing hard again.

"I know you're not, but if you do decide to come work here I can help show you some moves. Right now I'll teach you a trick that's bound to blow the mind of the boy you bring back home. Tell him I did it to you and he'll be all over you on the ride home." Lilith said and then quickly ducked her head down and licked Clary's underwear. Clary jumped and then snapped her legs back together quickly. Lilith lightly chuckled at her.

Lilith then got off Clary and turned around before immediately sitting back down on Clary's lap. She remained facing away, but she leaned forward onto the platform so her ass was in Clary's lap.

"What you want to do, is get on top of him like this. Then all you have to do is bounce you ass and he'll go nuts." Lilith said and then she demonstrated by bouncing her ass up and down in Clary's face.

Clary was helpless to do anything but watch. When Lilith stopped Clary finally breathed again and Lilith laughed. "You look as pale as a ghost." She said before she adjusted her outfit and pulled the curtain open and left Clary sitting on the couch alone.

Clary adjusted her own outfit quickly and then headed back to the group. They were all sitting at the table with Izzy, no longer gawking at the stage.

"All ready to go now?" Izzy said with a smirk as Clary came up to the table, still in a haze.

"Yup, I'm good now." Clary said with a smile.

Jer gave her a hug goodbye and then the rest all piled up in the car for the short drive back to Clary and Izzy's house. When they got back to the house Jonathan seemed more interested in talking to her than he had been all day.

"Were you really going to go up on stage and take off all your clothes?" He asked as he looked her up and down, as if he didn't already know what she looked like naked.

"Well yeah. I even got a job offer. I'm not really ashamed of how I look, not to mention I've already fucked you so it's not like it would have been a huge shock." Clary said keeping her voice firm.

"Well I know it would have been a pleasant shock for Jordan but I can see the rest of us being fine." Jonathan said looking down.

He was thinking that Jer and Jace had seen her naked. Well, as of last night Jace had, but Jer had never even seen her in underwear before. Clary wasn't really ready to divulge that information to Jonathan, she preferred to let him be jealous a bit. Clary's eyes wandered lower and saw the bulge in Jonathan's pants and the words Izzy said earlier floated to her mind.

"Want to go upstairs and fuck a stripper, well a future one at least?" Clary said boldly.

Jonathan smiled and headed up the stairs.


	16. Chapter 16

**I know it's been a little while. I am doing a bit better now. The first set of pills I went on were a bit rough and killed all inspiration and desire to write, take pictures, draw, paint, pretty much anything creative. Now I'm on a bit milder one but it's helping and I'm a little more leveled out now. I hope you enjoy the chapter, and I'm going to work on the next one right away. I think it's about time to offer you loyal fans an incentive. To anyone that reviews, I may send you a preview of the next chapter as my way of saying thanks for your support. **

* * *

I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you  
But who can decide what they dream?  
And dream I do...

I believe in you  
I'll give up everything just to find you  
I have to be with you to live, to breathe  
You're taking over me

Evenescence – Taking Over Me

* * *

Jonathan and Clary went upstairs and did what young adults, especially two sexually frustrated ones do; they fucked. There wasn't anything magical or sweet about it, it was simply sex and Clary loved every moment of it. She let herself get lost in the feeling which meant she didn't quite hurt as much anymore, or at least not in that brief period of time. She didn't know what it was for Jonathan, he had made it pretty clear through actions that he was not planning on leaving his girlfriend, but it never seemed to take much for Clary to get him into bed with her. A part of her hated him, for the type of person she knew he was, but a part of her loved that she had found exactly what she needed.

When Clary took Jonathan upstairs Jordan waited for a moment and then motioned for Jace to leave as they had the last time they were left like that. Jace just shook his head no slowly. He guessed he was a bit of a masochist when it came to Clary, but he couldn't help but feel curious about something. The last time Jace bolted as soon as he had heard the noises coming from the room upstairs but this time he gripped the couch tightly and stayed put. A part of him wanted to rush upstairs and kick Jonathan out, but he knew Clary wouldn't be happy with that and he had promised to be supportive of her thing with him. Instead he wanted to hear if she said Jonathan's name, or after this morning, he wondered if she would say his instead.

It was to his disappointment that she never slipped and said the wrong name, but she hadn't said Jonathan's either. She sounded nothing like she had when she was dreaming and Jace smiled inside knowing Jonathan had not satisfied her. The round went quick, quicker than Jace would have expected, before Jonathan came bumbling down the steps. His hair was a mess and there were markings on his neck. Jordan popped up and drew his keys from his pocket and the two boys were out of the house without another word.

Jace heard the shower start from upstairs and figured Clary must be cleaning up. He had no idea where Izzy had run off to, she always seemed to disappear. Jace went upstairs and into Clary room while she was still in the shower. It was getting later in the day, not quite time for bed, but not exactly early either. Jace felt his stomach rumble, he hadn't exactly eaten much with all the excitement for the day. He hadn't seen Clary eat at all, he hoped that she had gotten some food while he was home showering, like he had.

Jace heard the shower stop and soon the door opened. Clary walked in with nothing but a towel wrapped around her small frame. She jumped lightly when she noticed Jace standing in her room.

"Oh, I didn't expect you to still be here. You left last time." Clary muttered.

"Did you want me to go?" Jace said, taking a small step toward her. He towered above her so he had to look down to meet her gaze. He thought he saw her blush before she ducked away from him, toward her piles of clothes lined neatly along the wall.

"No, you can stay. I do have to work early in the morning though." Clary said as she rummaged around, finally spotting what she had been looking for.

She wrapped her robe around her, facing away from Jace. Once it was covering her back, she took the towel off and let it drop to the floor. She quickly tied the robe shut, knowing that Jace couldn't have gotten a glimpse of anything, not that she hadn't just slept naked next to him the night before. Clary crossed the room and sat down Indian style on her bed. She looked up to Jace.

He was amazed at how she could look so innocent when he knew, he absolutely knew, she wasn't.

"What would you like to do?" Clary asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.

"Do you feel better?" Jace asked, raising his own eyebrow.

Clary wasn't sure if he was talking about the sex or the shower, but either way the answer was the same. "Yes." She said sweetly.

"Then why don't we talk about Sebastian." Jace said, coming to sit down next to Clary. That was the other part if his agreement with her. He didn't have a lot of time before he was going to have to leave. He needed to get working now, because Clary had a lot of shit she needed to work through.

Clary's smile instantly faded. "Why do we have to talk about him now? I was having such a good day." She said shortly.

"Because my dear, I agreed to be ok with you and Jonathan, even after you had a sex dream about me, but you agreed to work things through about your ex." Jace said with an innocent smile.

Clary felt her cheeks flush and her hands instantly went to cover her face. "Oh my god, I didn't think it was that noticeable." Clary said from behind her fingers.

"Oh it was noticeable, but I'm glad you didn't try to lie about it. I guess you can have your choice, you can either tell me about the dream, or you can tell me about Sebastian." Jace knew he was going to win with either option, but he also knew she would pick Sebastian over telling him something she clearly thought was so embarrassing.

"I'll tell you about the dream." Clary muttered.

"What?" Jace said, completely in shock.

"You said I could pick, and I pick the dream. I really don't want to talk about Sebastian right now so if that's my only way of getting out of it, then I guess I gotta do what I gottta do." She said, removing her hands from her face and sitting up straighter.

"I really didn't think you would pick that one." Jace sort of stammered.

Clary smiled and ran her finger across his collar bone. "Why Jace, does this make you uncomfortable?" Clary gave him another one of her innocent looks. She knew she shouldn't act this way, she knew this was wrong. But he had given her the choice, and for her this was the easier option.

"Fine. I made you the deal; now tell me every detail of what happened." Jace said sternly. He wasn't exactly sure what he had just gotten himself into, but he had a feeling he was way over his head.

"Well it all started out with me on top of you." Clary began, she felt some of her nervousness washing away. There was always something so pure about talking to Jace. Clary stood for a moment and walked in front of Jace. She lowered herself down slowly until she was sitting on his lap and then very suddenly pushed him down. She looked down to him and smiled. "Like this. Want me to stop now?" She had meant it as something playful, something to get her out of having to tell the story, but that is not what happened.

In the matter of an instant Jace's hand reached around the back of her head and grabbed her hair, pulling her down flush on top of him and their lips met in a passionate fury. His tongue swept across her lips and she opened to greet him with her own. He pulled on her hair, exactly as he had done in the dream which made Clary groan and grind her hips into him. He made her feel something she had long forgotten, too long to exactly place when it had been before. His taste was both hot and sweet and made her mouth water for more.

Jonathan's kisses were always good, but kissing Jace was full of promises of more. Soon they slowed into a delicate pace where each swipe of the tongue was savored. They danced like this together for so long Clary forgot how much time had passed. Then Jace left her lips and trailed his way across her neck and up to her ear. She remembered her dream and the way he had whispered in her ear and she shivered with anticipation.

"Like this?" He said, his voice low and husky, exactly like it had been in her dream.

"Exactly like this." She whispered.

His tongue found her earlobe and tickled the sensitive skin behind her ear before sucking it into his mouth and pulling lightly with his teeth.

"And what were you wearing in this dream? A robe?" He said, his hand finding a way between them.

Clary felt as he tugged on the tie slowly. She felt the inch by inch movement as he pulled the loose knot free.

"Not a robe." She barely managed.

"Nothing at all?" He whispered and he delicately licked and then kissed the spot on her neck where he had left his mark before.

"Eventually." She groaned.

She felt his hand on her collarbone, skin against skin. He slowly moved toward her shoulder, pushing the material along with him until one side fell from her body. He moved to cup the side of her face and he kissed her slowly as his other hand pushed the other side of her robe off. He didn't stop kissing her once she was completely free of clothes. One hand stayed on her face, moving so the tips of his fingers were nestled in her long red hair. His other hand was less innocent and moved down the front of her body, going into the valley between her breasts and then moving down slowly. The hand paused briefly at her belly button ring, just long enough to give it a slight tug, before continuing its journey downward. Just before he reached the apex of her thighs his hand stopped its movements and his lips returned to her ear.

"And what happened next once you were rid of your clothes." He whispered.

"Well you had used your fingers before my clothes were off." Clary panted.

Jace's hand went back into motion and went lower the last few inches, sinking one finger deep inside her. "Fuck." He hissed, and Clary's eyes rolled in the back of her head as she groaned.

"Sorry I missed a step; you're not doing very good leading me." He teased once he regained himself. "Tell me more."

Clary struggled to find words as her mind was being scattered. "I… you…" She managed and Jace seemed to pick up the pace and added a second finger making Clary bite down on her lower lip to stifle a moan.

"Come on baby, tell me." He coaxed.

"Bottom." Clary nearly screamed out and Jace acted, flipping them around without losing contact. Clary arched her back as his mouth found its way to her breast.

"You're so beautiful." He muttered against her skin.

He moved slowly back up her body until his lips found hers and they shared a passionate kiss. She knew she shouldn't want this, she shouldn't be doing this. She couldn't find it in her to stop it because she did want this, more than she had ever wanted anything else.

"I want you." He whispered in her ear.

* * *

Clary shook her head and cleared the last of her daydream from her head. She was still standing there in nothing more than a towel. Jace was looking down at her, he had just asked her a question but she couldn't quite remember.

"Huh?" She said like the complete ditz she was.

"I asked if you wanted me to leave." Jace said again with a smirk.

"Oh." Clary said with a slight frown. "Yeah, sorry it would probably be for the best. I have to work early in the morning tomorrow and it's a double on top of it. I'm super beat. I'm probably going to just go to bed early anyways." Clary felt like she was rambling. She probably was.

Jace looked sad. "Oh, ok then. I'll see you soon right?" He said as he stepped around her, making his way toward the door.

"Of course you will." Clary said with a kind smile, and Jace returned one of his own.

"Goodnight then." He said as he left the room, closing the door behind him.

Clary sank to the bed and released a deep breath. She let herself flop down on the mattress. What the hell was she thinking? She had thought about having a real life go with Jace. She didn't even need the sex, she had just gotten her fill. It was something so much more than sex that she wanted from Jace, which was a bad thing. She reached around to the small table beside her bed; it was one of the best things she had gotten for her new room. An actual bed would have to be the next thing. She kept her condoms and such in there, but also she put her pills in there for easy grabbing. She twisted off the cap and easily downed a pill, grabbing the water bottle from the top of the table to help it down. Soon she would forget and she hoped the feelings she had for Jace would disappear along with the memories. She was dangerous to him and she needed to get him out of her head and work on getting her out of his.

* * *

**A/N: So did you all think that little segment was real? Maybe you were just hoping like we all were. Leave me your thoughts, what do you think Clary is going to do and do you think it will work? What about poor Jace?**


	17. Chapter 17

**Thank you all for the wonderful reviews and the kind words for my personal issues. I wish I could update more frequently, or on a better schedule for you but please understand my particular life style makes that almost completely impossible to do. Thanks for sticking with me and enjoying what I do. There was one guest reviewer that said they are getting bored, I am sorry you feel that way, but I will not be changing the storyline, there will be Clace in a more traditional way, but not yet. It is not time yet. Please enjoy and keep the reviews coming, they really make me happy.**

* * *

What if I wanted to fight  
Beg for the rest of my life  
What would you do?  
You say you wanted more  
What are you waiting for?  
I'm not running from you (from you)

30 Seconds to Mars – The Kill

* * *

Clary got up in the morning for work and she felt like she had one of the worst hangovers of her life. That was one of the most annoying parts of taking her pills, or maybe it was that she barely eats anymore. Either way she was happy that she had a double shift at the restaurant, especially starting with a morning shift meant there would be a bit of a break after the lunch rush and she would be able to get her two free sides. Morning hosting shifts were much better than the evening ones, except for the fact that she was the only host on duty which wasn't hard in the actual work part, it was just incredibly lonely. She knew Simon would be working with her for the night and that helped her to get through the day, plus since she was first in, that meant she would be first out.

When Simon arrived Clary was all too happy to give up her floor plan and greeting table for a headset and a washrag. She always preferred bussing, it meant walking around the restaurant, talking with the servers, and getting away from the disgruntled people upfront that couldn't wait patiently for a table. Clary thought that it was only the most disgruntled of people went out on Friday nights to a restaurant, and all too many had children they clearly wished were at a babysitter's house rather than there with them.

Clary was buzzing with energy; she had eaten a baked potato as well as a salad during the break, not to mention she got as much free soda as she wanted whenever she worked. She secretly hoped that there might be a few mess up's on appetizers tonight, they were always put in the alley for the servers (and the occasional busser) to eat. Accidents happened the most when things got busy, it wasn't always the kitchen or server's fault either, guests like to change their mind or suddenly get picky with the hopes of getting their entire meal for free.

"So, any new adventures for the week?" Simon asked at the first table they were clearing for the night.

Clary couldn't help but smile at Simon's enthusiasm. He was seriously a bigger highlight than getting free food. Whenever she was talking to him there was a strange feeling of being utterly and completely at home. She needed more of Simon in her life, they seriously needed to hang out outside of work sometime, but now probably wasn't the best time either.

"Well I went to the strip club with the goth night guy and then we went back to the house and had sex." Clary said simply but with a huge smile. It helped her to pretend better that everything in her life was perfect. It helped to disguise her inner turmoil.

"Heads up, Hodge's coming." Simon whispered as he took off to a different table.

Hodge was the general manager to the restaurant. He was seriously always there, like he was cursed to never leave. Clary didn't really mind him being around, and she wasn't scared or intimidated by him like some others were. He had always been very nice to Clary, sometimes almost overly so. Hodge was rather short for a man, but whenever he got angry there was a vein on his head that would grow and pulse.

"Hey, have you ever noticed Hodge looks kind of like a horse jockey?" Simon said through the headset into Clary's ear right as Hodge came over to talk to her. Clary almost burst out laughing but was able to hold herself back. She shot Simon a nasty glare, but there was a slight smile on her face. She saw Simon laughing from his table he was cleaning.

"You're doing a really great job tonight Clary." Hodge said as Clary didn't even pause at cleaning up the table she was at.

"Thanks." She said shortly.

"Seriously, our turn-over rate is always so much higher when you are working. If you were ever interested in more shifts just let me know." He said with a smile before leaving Clary to finish what she was doing.

Clary thought she may actually have to take him up on that offer sometime. The theater had really been cutting back on her hours, because of that bitch manager, and the ice-cream place was sort of fun, but there was not much money. She really would have to think about it; maybe she could manage a few more shifts a week before her fall college semester began again.

When the evening rush was beginning to slow, Simon came back over to her. "Hey, I wanted to tell you something." He started. He seemed a bit nervous and Clary wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about, but it didn't seem like it was a good thing by the way he was moving about.

"I put my two weeks in." Simon said after an awkwardly long pause.

"What!?" Clary nearly yelled.

"Things are going really well with my other job and they are making me a server." Simon said, he was still fidgeting around a bit.

"Oh, well that's great for you." Clary said, faking her best at enthusiasm. She wanted him to stay, she wanted it for all selfish reasons, but she didn't want to be selfish so she didn't say any of the things running through her mind.

"Don't worry I'll visit." Simon said with a smile, and Clary gave her own fake one back.

"I'll hold you to it." She said and then busied herself off with another table that needed cleaned.

Clary survived the night mostly free from thoughts of either Jonathan or Jace. She had goth night to look forward to this week, this was the special fourth-of-July foam party. Clary got through the busy weekend. She hadn't had any time to spend with Jace, which in her mind wasn't exactly a bad thing. She needed a little distance from him after last week, she had gotten carried away.

Once the new week began, Jace was back to coming over and spending the night once he got home from work. Clary had taken to drinking a bit more since the last week. Izzy had kept some bottles of girly liquor in the fridge and Clary found it was easier to wind down after work having a drink or two when she was sure she wasn't going to go anywhere for the night. Jace never said anything about it, and he would usually have a drink with her, but he never lost control or got to the point of being sloppy. Clary thought it helped her to loosen up, and when Jace started in on the questions about Sebastian, it was easier for Clary when she was a little tipsy.

* * *

"Sebastian proposed right after his car accident and I was powerless to say no. The kid almost died and all he wanted was to get a message out that he loved me. It was like something out of a fairytale novel. So I said yes, I didn't have a ring and we have never even kissed but I thought it was destiny bringing me my prince to save me from my shitty life or something. We were engaged before I even turned 18. Everything went really well for the first couple of months. I was hopelessly in love, and I thought he was too. We had the little scare around Valentine's day when I was getting the STD check from being raped but when the tests came back clean I started to think of all the possibilities I could have with Sebastian.

We talked on the phone every day, even when we weren't doing anything we were just on the phone with each other. Eventually that lead into phone sex, which, I must say I was really terrible at. After a couple months though, I got better at it and I got more comfortable with him, and it just felt right. It was right at my senior year and when it was time for prom Sebastian flew in from California to be my date. I remember being so excited, it was going to be the first time I got to see my fiancée in person since the night we met.

I went with his mother to the airport. That was a horrifying car ride. I spent two hours in the car with his mother on the way to go and get him. She was always really nice to me; I guess it was because a part of her knew that if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be getting to see her son. We waited at the airport and I spotted Sebastian immediately even though it had been 6 months since we had seen each other in person, and that night had been pretty dark. We had seen each other over video chat a fair share of times, but seeing someone in person is still so incredibly different.

He didn't immediately recognize me, which hurt in a way. I mean, I was sitting in the car and he didn't think I would be coming since I was supposed to be in class, but still it hurt a little like a little bit of the magic of it being a fairy-tale story was cracked. When he got into the car he did a double take and then wrapped me in the biggest hug. The first thing I noticed was his voice was different, not a huge difference, but still different than the voice I was used to over the phone. I got into the backseat of the car with him and his mother began the long drive home.

I immediately cuddled up in his arms and when I looked up to him he bent down and kissed me. It was our first kiss, and nothing like the dozens of times I had imagined it in my head. We were in the backseat of a car with his mom up front. There was none of the magical passion I had imagined for so long would accompany a moment that I had waited nearly 6 months for. The kiss was short and sweet, anything longer would have been inappropriate for the moment, but I remember feeling let down.

His mom drove us to the school parking lot where my car was. The plan was I was going to drive Sebastian back to my house and then he would be able to meet my dad, Valentine, when he got off of work. His mom didn't know that my dad worked 2nd shift and wouldn't be home for several hours and the rest of the time we would be alone.

Sebastian and I drove home in almost an awkward silence. We had spent months talking to each other but now that we were here in person everything felt completely strange. I showed him around my house, it was a nice house but much smaller than I imagined his house in California to be. The last stop on the tour was my room, a room he had seen through pictures and video but now here he was, standing in my room. I suddenly felt silly for having a bunk bed; it had seemed like a good idea when I first came to live with my dad. I had always been an only child so I had never needed a bunk bed, but it was one of those things I had always wanted so my dad had gotten it for me. Now I was an 18 year old with a bunk bed and action figures all over my dressers. I suddenly felt like such a child, and my height didn't help either.

Sebastian looked like a giant in my room, it wasn't that he was overly tall, but my room was made for someone a bit smaller. I remember as Sebastian smiled and looked down to me and then he kissed me. It was more of the type of kiss a first kiss should be. I was calmed a bit because here was the passion that I had been expecting the first time. Sebastian pulled back from the kiss a bit breathless and explained that was what he had been dying to do since the moment he saw me, but his mother would have killed him and skinned me alive if he had done that in front of him.

Things escalated quickly from there, it was a bit more like the person I had become to know as well as I knew myself. No more talking was needed before our clothes were scattered across my floor and we were clumsily having sex on my tiny single mattress. Again, I didn't really think things through as the bed was just the right size for me but terribly wrong for anyone larger, much less having two of us in the bed. We ended up moving to the floor, and that was when I felt something hot and wet on my nose. I reached up and my finger tips came back with blood.

Sebastian stopped immediately, it had come from him. His nose was bleeding, he said it was from the long plane ride and he excused himself to go to the bathroom. I sat naked on my floor and laughed to myself. I laughed at how perfectly fitting for me the whole situation was. Even though I was not technically a virgin, this was my first time willingly having sex and it was with the man that I loved but had not been in person with and he got a freaking nose bleed in the middle of sex. I shook my head, still laughing as I realized that nothing will ever be like the fairy tales you read in books. There are very few perfect moments in anyone's life and if you are looking for them you will just end up disappointed."

* * *

Jace was looking at Clary eagerly, but that was where she decided to stop for the day. There was just too much to go through it all, too much emotionally and Clary wanted to make sure to get all the details right. It's in the details where Jace would slowly come to understand just how Sebastian had crawled so deeply under her skin. Clary didn't want to summarize and having Jace walk away with just the major points. She wanted him to feel the best he could the good and the bad.

"It sounds like you really loved him." Jace said after a quiet moment.

"Oh there's no doubt in my mind that I loved him. A part of me still does and I don't think that will ever go away. I don't think it's possible to just stop loving someone. Maybe you are not "in love" with them anymore, and sometimes you even hate them, but there is a part of you which still cares and that caring comes from somewhere. If you don't care, truly don't care, then it wouldn't hurt so bad." Clary said looking down to her hands as she spun her ring around. That was the best way that Clary could summarize life in general. She still hurt, hurt over a great deal of things and no matter how much she told herself not to care and not to feel, the fact that she was still hurting meant that she was only lying to herself.

"Well, I'm glad you're telling me. I know it's not easy but I like to hear it because it's important to you." Jace said, giving her a hug and Clary just rested her head against him and let herself feel safe.

She loved Jace, she was beginning to really see that now. She didn't know in what way she loved him and it was all very confusing to her, but that little piece she knew to be true. Even as she tried to drown out her feelings with the pills, that one truth that she loved him continued to shine through. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to sleep with him. She wanted to wake up every morning with him next to her, and sit on his lap as they shared a cigarette. But she knew none of that would last forever, he would be leaving for the air force and there was nothing that could stop that. He had already signed the papers, and once you sign you have to go. She only had these last few months with him and then he would be gone from her life for at least four years that was how long his contract was for. There couldn't be anything between them now, but Clary was beginning to think 4 years wouldn't be that long to wait.


	18. Chapter 18

**I know it has been awhile and a big thank you for everyone that has been patient and stuck with me on this. Thanks for the reviews and for those that did review when the chapter was first posted were given a little tease of this chapter before it was posted. It was my little way of saying thank you and sorry for the wait. So just remember that, sometimes there are surprise perks of being a reviewer. Well I hope you enjoy, and sorry, no Clace in this one.**

* * *

Now I know that I'm not  
All that you got  
I guess that I, I just thought  
Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart  
But our friends are back  
So let's raise a toast  
'Cause I found someone to carry me home

Fun- We are Young

* * *

Clary was happy that somehow she managed the entire day off. Between her three jobs she never would have guessed it to be possible considering it was a holiday. When she was younger the fourth of July was always a horrible day, a day when her mother would use the celebration as an excuse to get excessively drunk, more than usual, and left Clary to look after her. This was the first year Clary wouldn't be spending the holiday making sure her mother didn't get herself killed and while Clary wondered if she would miss getting to see fireworks, she was grateful for the planned foam party at the club.

Clary already had her outfit picked out; it was more for practicality than for appearance. Izzy had told her that foam parties were wet, like soaking and dropping with soap type of wet. Clary planned one of her favorite swim suits for the occasion, dark green camo two piece with a small skull made of pink rhinestones on one breast. The green was on perfect contrast of her hair which was pinned up in a high pony tail, again going with functionality. Clary decided on light makeup with only waterproof designs. For the car ride she donned a black lace cover-up that went all the way down to her knee high black boots.

The whole gang piled into her car as it was time to head out and the car seemed alive with the excitement that filed the air. There had been tension lately and Clary knew it clearly had been caused by her. Tonight felt right, like it used to when they first started going to the club together, back when it was about the night and not about the chance of sex. Clary was determined to make this night about the freedom it was always meant to be. Maybe it was irony as today was the holiday that was meant to celebrate freedom.

The club was packed more so than on any other night Clary had seen. They arrived earlier than usual with the excitement building, they had yet to turn on the foam so the group had plenty of time to get set up in their normal positions before they looked up to see the very first bubbles as they slowly began to float down from the ceiling. Clary wasn't sure if she was imagining it or if the whole crowd really had gone silent as everyone's eyes were trained to that first bubble as it floated down oh so slowly. Clary reached her hand out as the bubble floated closer, landing on her outstretched finger. There was an eruption of noise as everyone yelled in the most primal way. The tubes overhead began to explode bubbly foam which rained down from the ceiling like white waterfalls. There were people everywhere running and screaming with joy, running under the flow of soap and out the other side like giant white monsters. Clary couldn't contain her giggle as multicolored lights flashed around her, the music pounding in her ears. The room was rapidly filling with soapy bubbles which now covered her boots entirely. Clary kicked around and danced, watching as the bubbles scattered into a myriad of rainbows.

Jace was by her side the entire time a slow smirk etched across his face as he watched Clary acting like the carefree child she never got to be. The foam was soon waist high, making movement much more difficult. There was both a feeling of utter weightlessness and heavy resistance which slowed all her movements like she was stuck in a slow motion wonderland.

Panic slowly broke into her perfect world as the foam continued to rise and the waterfalls of bubbles from the ceiling showed no signs of slowing. At first what seemed like a carefree fantasy was quickly turning into a nightmare for the short redhead who soon would be covered over her head in soap. Jace saw the panicked look in her eyes and she felt his arms wrap around her waist and move her backward until her heels hit against something hard. Clary looked behind her and saw the beautifully empty little stage that she often liked to dance on. Clary grinned looking back to Jace, she was grateful that in some small way he had saved her. His hands were still firmly around her waist and he gave her a small wink as Clary felt her body being pushed up and away from the foam that was threatening to suffocate her.

Perched on her landing, Clary was safely above the rest of the crowd. The foam was back to being around her ankles. Clary looked up to see the pipes slowing; they were keeping the foam at about chest level for those not cursed with being terribly short. She regained her sense of fun now safely above the rest. Lights reflected off the soapy bubbles and she felt the music in her chest pushing her to move and let go of everything that had been weighing her down. Soon she lost sight of most of the others as they weaved around having the time of their lives.

When Clary was ready for a smoke she couldn't find anyone else to signal to go with her. She wasn't about to let that stop her so she hoped off the platform, smiling at the way the bubbles scattered under her feet. Moving quickly so that the bubbles didn't engulf her, she headed for the back of the room where the foam sloped down. Clary created a soapy trail as others had before her as she exited through the doors.

It was a particularly warm evening and there were plenty of others dripping wet standing around in small circles, laughing and smiling. Clary didn't have any of her cigarettes on her but she didn't figure that would be a problem with all the men that often walked by. It didn't take long for a cute college boy to walk by and stop where Clary was standing, all alone.

"Looks like your having a fun time." He said by way of hello.

Clary smiled her sweetest smile. "I would tell you to come in and join me but I'm afraid you are in the wrong attire. But do you happen to have a smoke on you? I couldn't find a place to put mine in this outfit."

The guy smiled and stuffed his hand into the pocket of his way too tight jeans, he pulled out a pack of camels, not Clary's preferred brand, but at least they weren't menthol. Clary had remnants of soap all over her hands. "If you don't mind, I'm kinda wet all over." Clary said with a smile and opened her mouth lightly.

His eyes nearly rolled in the back of his head as he put the cigarette in her lips. He was visibly shaking as he got out his lighter and lit her cigarette for her.

"Thanks." Clary said through her exhale as she tried to barely touch the filter.

His friends he had been walking with were eager to be on their way again. He looked back to Clary with a look of longing.

"Hey, I'm sorry but we are already late so I have to get going, any chance I can have your number?" He said pulling out his phone, looking hopeful.

Clary wasn't really interested, but he had just given her a smoke, the last she could do was give him her number.

Jace arrived just as the guy put his phone back in his pocket.

"I'll call you." He said with a wink as he allowed himself to get pulled away.

Clary just smiled sweetly before turning her head and noticing Jace.

"Hey there." She said with a sheepish smile, knowing she got caught being bad.

Jace raised one eyebrow but there was a smile on his face that made Clary feel better. "Couldn't wait?" He said eyeing up the cigarette in her mouth.

"Couldn't find you, so I improvised." She said with a beaming smile.

Jace shook his head a little. "So what are you going to do when he calls you?"

"Ignore it?" Clary said with another sheepish smile.

Jace smiled and wrapped his soapy arm around her shoulder. Clary felt warmth hotter than the already heated air rush through her body and she couldn't help but smile like the idiot she was. Her moment was broken up soon enough when she felt Jace's arm tense. Clary looked around and knew what the problem was.

Jonathan was strolling up, Jordan by his side. Jonathan seemed different from the last time Clary had seen him, his shoulders seemed to be held higher, and there was a certain air to the way he walked. He seemed even more confident and cocky than usual, which normally would have been a turn on but right now Clary just felt like he was coming in to ruin something good.

"Come on, let's go back in." Clary said turning away from where Jonathan was approaching. Jace didn't say a word and just followed Clary inside the club. Clary thought she had heard her name called as she entered but she didn't stop or turn to see who was calling.

Jace led her back to her platform, grabbing her again by the sides, lifting her up even though she was more than capable of getting up on her own. It was clear they weren't filling the club as much anymore as the foam was now only waist high for the people on the floor and didn't even touch the tops of the platform anymore. Clary felt relief food through her, she could move about as she pleased without worrying about drowning. Every now and again the waterfall of foam would start up again for a few moments but then it would shut off again before overwhelming the room.

Clary watched Jordan and Jonathan come in and walk straight up to the others in her group. She watched as they eased their way toward the center of the room, laughing like children playing in a sprinkler set. Clary turned her attention back to the music and chose to ignore Jonathan's presence; she just wasn't feeling the need for him today.

The night went on for Clary as if Jonathan wasn't even there, and the more she ignored him, the harder he tried to get her attention. She found she couldn't ignore him any longer when he grabbed her by the arm on her way back in from a smoke and pulled her against the wall, caging her in with his arms on either side of her shoulders. A shot of heat coursed through her body as she always did like when a man was being a little rough.

"Are you seriously avoiding me?" Jonathan hissed through gritted teeth which just made Clary want to laugh at how upset he was.

"No, not avoiding, I just don't need you tonight." She said with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. "But if you're feeling lonely I'm sure you could give your girlfriend a call. Or is that why you have been fucking me, little lady won't put out?"

Jonathan growled and while Clary knew she should tame it down a bit, it just felt too fucking good to stop.

"I'm not with her anymore, or anyone else. I've told you that." He said, still growling.

"Yeah that is what you have been saying, but people say otherwise, and I'm pretty sure I believe them a whole lot more than I believe you. Don't worry, I wasn't looking for a relationship or anything. You really didn't wrong me, I'm just not interested in what you have to offer at the moment. Try back next week and see if my mind has changed, or not, it really doesn't matter to me." Clary said and then made a move to duck under his arm but Jonathan moved fast and blocked her way.

"So that's all I am to you?" He said, there was a trace of hurt in his tone.

"Please don't tell me how you fell in love with me or some horse shit like that. You knew from the start this was just casual convenient sex. You had a girlfriend for fuck's sake! The sex was good Jonathan, it really was, and it scratched an itch I couldn't get to myself, but I'm not really feeling all that itchy tonight."She said keeping the default mode on and to the max. She really was having a great time and didn't want Jonathan coming in, getting all possessive and ruining things.

"So the sex was good?" He said with a gleam in his eyes.

"Of course that was the only part you heard." Clary said with a roll of hers.

One of Jonathan's hands moved down the wall slowly until he touched her side. He had a wicked look to him that made Clary swallow hard. She felt his hands slide down her stomach, the foam giving plenty of lubricant to ease the motion. Jonathan's hand slid lower until it was beneath the foamy sea as his hand traveled to the band of her swim suit. He didn't stop or hesitate there, letting his fingers slide under the material as his fingers found their way home.

Clary gasped and Jonathan crushed his lips to hers, sliding his tongue in immediately to meet hers. Clary groaned into the kiss, while she didn't exactly need him, she wasn't going to say no to what he was offering either. Jonathan smiled as he worked her over with his fingers, she had never been able to climax from sex, but there were many other ways that a man would be able to get her off. There was something so forbidden and utterly delicious about the fact that they were in the club, hidden only by the large tufts of foam that danced around them. Clary enjoyed what Jonathan was doing to her but it wasn't enough to get her off and soon enough she needed to stop him as the soap from the foam was being pushed inside her and honestly it was starting to dry her out a bit.

Jonathan retrieved his fingers and left without a word. Clary wondered what he was up to but now there was a terrible burning sensation between her legs where the soap had actually gotten all worked up inside her thanks to him. "Fucking asshole." She murmered as she tried to adjust herself a little bit hoping it would help to stop the discomfort.

Clary was so relieved when everyone was ready to go. Foam parties were fun, but there were some grave consequences she had never even considered before. On the drive home her skin started to dry out badly. She dropped everyone off at their respected houses as everyone needed a shower badly. Izzy had driven her own car and said she was staying the night at a friend's house, which Clary didn't mind at all because it meant she could have first shower when she got back to the house. Soon it was only Jace left in the car with her as she headed for her own homes, Jace was planning on spending the night with her since Jonathan seemed to disappear after the moment in the foam.

"God I can't wait to take a shower." Clary said as she turned off the engine of the car and started sprinting toward the house. She looked back and had to stifle a laugh as Jace was seeming to have about as many issues with movement as she was.

"Come on Blondie, leave your clothes on and hop in the shower with me before you turn into a statue."


	19. Chapter 19

**OK this A/N might be a little long, gotta get some things off my chest. I wish I could be better for you. i wish I could update more, I know it has been a ridiculously long amount of time I have just been MIA and I can't promise it to get any better soon. I really have no idea what the future has in store, and you my wonderful readers deserve much better than this. I could tell you a whole lost of things that have been stealing all my time and energy but it won't change them or how often I can update so all I can do is offer my deepest apologies and extend my greatest gratitude for those of you that have stuck with me. I have not forgotten or abandoned this story and I will update it whenever I can. I wish I could offer more, but I cannot. I hope you enjoy this chapter, i know many were wondering what was going to happen with Jace and Clary taking a shower together and now you will know. This is not a dream segment, no tricks for you like last time, everything that happens, happens. Enjoy and please do review, your words help me like you could never know!**

* * *

World was on fire, no one could save me but you  
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do  
I'd never dreamed that I'd need somebody like you  
And I'd never dreamed that I'd need somebody like you

HIM – Wicked Game

* * *

Clary and Jace were both laughing at the idiocy of everything as they worked their way up the steps and into the bathroom. Clary turned the shower on and let the temperature of the water rise before she hopped in, Jace on her heels. There was certainly no need of shampoos or other forms of soap as the water rushed over them taking layer after layer of suds with them. Soon they were standing in yet another version of the foam party only made for two. Jace tried to help Clary to rid her hair of the lather but it seemed like a never ending chore as her hair seemed to have soaked up a good percentage of the soap in the club. The water was beginning to turn cold when the majority of the suds were gone and Clary barely had time to put a healthy amount of conditioner in her hair and rinse before her lips purpled under the freezing water. Even when it was cold Jace didn't leave the shower even though he had been rinsed long before she was.

Clary turned off the faucet and looked over to Jace who was standing in the back of the tub, his arms wrapped around him tightly for warmth. He had on a pair of shorts, apparently he hadn't gotten the memo that swimming attire would be far more functional for the evening. His hair was long and shaggy, dripping with water, covering his eyes slightly. There was something so humorous about the way he stood there, needlessly subjecting himself to cold and discomfort that Clary couldn't hold back her laughter. Jace looked to her, his eyes narrowed.

"Oh like you look any better. Your make-up is smeared down your cheeks and you can't even get your hair out of the pony tail." He said back with fake hurt that only made Clary laugh harder. She knew she was a mess but for some reason it didn't bother her that Jace was seeing her this way.

"Come on, let's get towels and peel out of these clothes." Clary said as she stepped out of the tub and wrapped a large beach towel around her. She was so small that it covered her like a blanket and made her feel safe. Jace stepped out of the back of the shower and Clary handed him a towel, just a normal size one, without a word before she left him alone in the bathroom to decide what he wanted to do without a change of clothes.

Clary took the bathing suit off as soon as she got into her room, throwing it into the corner where the rest of her dirty laundry ended up. She wrapped herself back in the towel, knowing that she would need lots of lotion, probably for the next twenty years. Jace came into her room quietly a few minutes later, the towel wrapped around his waist with him holding onto it for dear life. As much as he had grown accustomed to her being naked around him, he had never been naked around her before, the air itself seemed to be charged with unspoken words and embarrassment.

Clary was sitting on her bed, still covered with her own blanket as she reached inside her night stand and grabbed a bottle of coco butter; it was the best lotion she owned which meant she rarely used it. She started on her legs, squirting the bottle generously on her skin before setting it down and using both hands to thoroughly rub the lotion into her skin. She was so dry her skin was already cracking, the term ashy didn't even apply to this level of dryness.

Jace just stood silently, barely in the doorway as he watched her rub one leg and then the other. She didn't know how long he would just stand there and watch so she figured she may as well say something to him, or at least accuse him of being a voyeur, anything to release the tension in the air.

"Would you want to get my back for me? I really don't want my tattoo messed up from all the soap." Clary said holding the bottle of lotion out.

Jace didn't say anything or move for what seemed like minutes. Clary knew that her arm was getting tired from holding the bottle out and she started to think of what to do now that he had effectively turned into a statue. Maybe this was all a bit too much for him. Clary watched him swallow hard, his Adams apple bobbing in his throat as his feet shuffled forward, toward her. He took the bottle of lotion from her hands.

"Lay down." He said, his voice was thick and husky, not at all what Clary had been expecting and she found herself moving quickly to obey.

She lay down on the bed and then moved the towel so it was draped across her back from the bottom of her neck to just below her ass. It was folded and bunched up from putting the lotion on her legs, but she didn't dare move it, she simply waited for the dip in the mattress as Jace kneeled down. Clary moved her head to the side he was on to get a look at him. He was looking at her, his eyes nearly swallowed in the black of his pupils, the bottle of lotion still in his hands but completely ignored. One hand moved to the top of the towel, dragging it slowly down her back until she felt the very top of her ass exposed. A shiver ran down her spine which she blamed on the air even though it was still warm summer air and there wasn't an air conditioner in her room.

Clary turned her head away from Jace and closed her eyes, there was something, too much of something when she looked at him. She heard the click of the bottle being uncapped and then jerked when she felt the cold on her back.

"Shit. Sorry, sorry." Jace mumbled and then she immediately felt the relief of his hands on her back, warming the liquid as he began to massage her back.

Clary couldn't stifle the groan that settled in her throat. Her skin was feeling tight and itchy but the cool lotion being massaged into her was the perfect relief from her discomfort. He took his time and worked his way slowly down her back. She felt the mattress dip and sway as he adjusted his position as he moved down her back.

"You can sit on me if that helps." Clary muttered, her eyes still closed as she was enjoying his hands as they worked her over.

Jace didn't reply but soon enough she felt the mattress dip lower as he put one knee on each side of her. He didn't sit on top of her, instead hovering over her. Maybe he was afraid of his weight on her or something, but he continued to work the lotion slowly down her back. He was nearing the lower curve right above her hip line. She could feel with time as his legs began to tremble from bearing his weight in such an awkward way. Clary thought she could help reassure him by lifting her hips off the bed, hitting her towel covered ass between his legs. Jace groaned and it became suddenly very obvious to Clary why he hadn't sat down on her. He was wearing nothing but a towel and with his legs spread he was completely exposed above her. She felt his hard length through the towel, sudden realization that he was completely hard.

Clary bit her lip and noticed that his hands had stopped moving, they were flat against the small of her back, his thumbs ghosting over the curve of her ass. A part of her mind objected, knowing she would regret her action in the morning, or in a hour, but that part was quickly shoved back down as Clary purposely raised her ass again, this time with intent. She rubbed against his length now knowing it was there and he groaned again which made every nerve ending sing with fire. She did it a third time and this time he pushed back against her and they both groaned in unison. Clary continued to push against him and he continued to push back but his hands suddenly started moving again, sliding this time up her back rather than going lower. She felt his weight as he slowly settled more on top of her, his hands weaving their way to the sides until the tips of his pads brushed against the sides of her breasts.

Jace shuffled a bit, grabbing the bottle of lotion and spreading it between his hands before replacing them, smoothing the cream on her breasts. Clary raised herself up even further so she was propped up by her elbows as he massaged the lotion onto her breasts, first sliding up the sides, the across the top of her chest before circling around to cup her breasts in his hands. His thumbs traced small circles, just not touching her nipples. He continued to tease her, his hands moving around her skin but never quite touching her where she needed him the most. Then his hands began to travel down her stomach, pulling her body up with him as he went until she was on all fours as his body slid back so he was kneeling behind her. The towel had long since slipped off of her and she wasn't sure if there was still a towel around his waist or not. This could be the moment, one that neither of them could ever come back from. A moment that would change everything and plummet them both into the uncertainty of what could be with all the dark that still loomed between them, threatening to pull them away from each other. But in this exact moment neither of them stopped to ponder these things or allow themselves to consider the consequences of what could happen.

Clary felt his hands continue their trek downward without hesitation as he slid with one hand between her thighs, brushing over the newly shaved flesh. Another shiver was sent down her spine and she heard his breath catch. He appreciated touching her more than any other man had before and Clary was struck with another wave of overwhelming emotion she didn't quite have a name for. He made her feel and that was both exciting and equally terrifying. Everything she had done to push her emotions away, all the feelings she had blocked off from herself were pulled through her by him. Single handedly (literally) he was able to break through walls erected tall and thick through years of abuse.

His fingers inched lower slowly like each piece of flesh disserved to be committed to memory. He was making a map of her body, exploring every curve and dip. Her anticipation made every slight move he made that much sweeter. She was practically trembling with need when his hand finally slipped low enough to enter her. Clary was not at all anticipating the pain that rippled through her body making her recoil from his touch and move away swiftly. The soap had effectively dried out the delicate skin and the remaining lotion on his fingers stung like a thousand knives in her most sensitive area.

"Shit, are you ok? What did I do?" Jace panicked.

"Fucking Jonathan." Clary hissed and she could practically feel how tense Jace was behind her.

"What did he do." Jace said through gritted teeth.

"He decided to mess with me in the foam and pushed a bunch of soap up in me and now it hurts like a bitch." Clary said, she suddenly felt ashamed. She took in a large breath and exhaled loudly, moving herself away from Jace and settling in under the covers.

Jace came to lay under the blankets with her, but their skin did not touch. She still wasn't sure if he had a towel or if he really was just lying beside her naked with only the blankets separating them.

"I hope you get better in a few days." He said softly and Clary couldn't tell if there was anger or disappointment in his tone.

"Goodnight Clary." He said before rolling to face away from her. He had never done that before.

_Great_. Clary thought. _I fucked things up again. _


	20. Chapter 20

**Thank you all for your wonderful support. I would like to make a mention real quick, the Clace in this story is gonna be a looooong burn. In the summary it does say Clary ships about everything but Clace throughout, let me go ahead and explain. Clace have their moments, they have and will continue to, even after this chapter, however, they will not be together together for awhile. Also Clary ships everything, well not literally, but there are definately a lot of ships gonna be going on and as of now we pretty much have had only Jonathan so keep that in mind. If you are looking for a cut and dry Clace and everything is perfect kind of story this is not it and I suggest you stop reading because I will not change the story plot or hurry the Clace as has been requested. Thanks again, can't wait to hear the reivews. Oh and Clary's journal entry, that is my orginal just incase anyone wonders. **

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Well it hides in the dark  
Like the withering vein  
We didn't give it a mouth  
So it cannot complain  
It never really had a chance  
We'd never really make it through  
I never think I'd believed  
I believed I could get better with you

Nine Inch Nails – Love is Not Enough

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Clary woke to a completely empty bed as her hand stretched out onto the small mattress finding it cold and abandoned. She groaned and shut her eyes against the morning sun that was creeping in through the windows and reminded herself that she really needed to invest in some curtains. At least her room faced the back yard instead of the front where the road was. In spite of having lotion applied her skin was dry and taut and hurt to move around. The bottle of lotion was still sitting beside the bed, another reminder of what almost happened last night and how clearly complicated everything was. Clary reached for the bottle with the tips of her fingers and began slowly rubbing it into her skin just for the sake of being able to move again.

Her nipples were completely dry and cracked as they had not received lotion last night and all the rubbing from her swimsuit had taken its toll on what should have been a sensitive area. Apparently foam parties were extremely bad for all female delicacies as she was completely numb between her thighs. _It's going to be a fun few days while this works its way out._ Clary thought with a heavy heart trying not to think much about the greater thing that would now need worked out between her and Jace, his obvious abandonment while she was sleeping was proof enough that things were about to get really rocky.

After she was lotioned Clary found the loosest pair of running shorts and bypassed wearing a bra for the day in favor of an overlarge t-shirt that would give her some breathing room. She headed down the steps and couldn't believe it as she smelled the distinct smell of coffee wafting through the air.

"Hey." Clary said sheepishly as she turned the corner and found Jace standing with a large smile and a steaming cup of her most favorite liquid. He was wearing a loose fitting pair of washed jeans that hung low on his hips and he was completely void of a shirt which made Clary want to bite her lip and turn around before more memories of last night flooded through her already confused brain.

"Hey." Jace said back, his tone warm and chipper which was not what Clary was expecting. He pushed the cup of coffee toward her and she took it into her hands but hesitated before taking a sip. They really needed to talk this through before she went insane. Clary put the cup on the table and looked up to Jace. The smile he had on his face slipped and was replaced by a confused, head tilted to one side kind of look.

"Did I make it wrong?" He asked, looking absurdly like a puppy.

"No, it's perfect as always. I think we need to have another talk about us, and this time let's do it while we are sober." Clary said finding it hard to look at Jace when he looked so damn cute and innocent. He definitely wasn't acting innocent last night.

"I'm sorry about all that Clary, and I really don't want it to change thing between us. I got swept up in the moment, blame my raging hormones or whatever you need to do." Jace said quickly and though it wasn't the worst thing he could have said Clary was still left with a feeling that things weren't as simply worked out the way she wanted them to be.

"I love you." Clary said quickly, she didn't even really mean to say it. She had told him she loved him before, but this time she really meant it in a way she hadn't before.

Jace frowned again and looked confused. "Come on, let's go smoke and you can have some coffee and we'll talk." He said grabbing her cup and walking past her, without even brushing against her, not that it was a narrow path or anything, but a part of Clary was beginning to crave him to touch her in some way. Even just a small brush or hug might make her feel a little less like her world was crumbling beneath her.

Clary followed along behind, like the good little puppy she suddenly realized she was becoming when she was with him. Jace sat in the wrong chair, the one that said Clary was not going to be climbing up on his lap any time soon. He set her coffee on the table and lit a cigarette and handed it to Clary and then proceeded to light one of his own. _I guess we aren't even sharing this morning. _

It took him a moment to start talking and Clary wasn't even sure if she was waiting for him to speak so much as she really didn't have anything much more to say other than the fact that she loved him. "Clary, I love you too. You have to know that by now. I think I have a loved you since the moment we first met, back when you were sitting on my couch in a black and pink cat costume."

Clary laughed lightly. "I remember that."

Jace smiled and it made Clary feel a little bit better. "I didn't think you did. I haven't stopped thinking about you since that moment, even though I wasn't sure I would ever get to see you again. And then all of a sudden you come back into my life at the worst possible time and I couldn't help but be selfish and want you in every way that I could even though I know it can't last because I have to leave."

Clary just nodded; there wasn't anything she knew to say.

Jace took a deep breath. "I could be so much more for you if it wasn't for that. I could be your everything because you already are mine. But I will not hold you back. I will not let you sit here and wait for me for 4 years when you could meet someone that is even better for you than I am."

"There will never be anyone better." Clary said, barely a whisper. She couldn't even manage to meet him in the eyes.

"Dammit Clary, this is what I don't want. You won't even open your heart to anyone else and what if something happens and I never come back?" Jace looked like he was in pain. Clary could feel the pain, right in her heart as his words felt like they were cutting her into a million pieces. Maybe she couldn't handle this conversation, she certainly couldn't handle the thought of a world without Jace in it.

"I would rather stand here and help you be with someone else than risk you waiting for me." Jace said firmly.

"Either way it would crush me." Clary said mustering up all the firmness she could.

Jace seemed to huff and puff and then he retorted with something that took the final shreds of Clary's heart and shattered them. "I don't want to be distracted when I'm gone. It could get me killed. I'm sorry about last night. I'm still your best-friend but we both need to start acting more like friends and less….like we have been."

Clary didn't know what to say. She found that tears were making their way to her eyes and her throat was beginning to feel thick, like suddenly she wasn't able to breathe. A panic attack was about to happen and she didn't want to have one in front of Jace.

"I understand." Was all Clary could manage before she headed back inside and ran up the steps. She could feel the pain coming from her heart and her throat threatening to close and keep her from breathing. She slammed her door shut and took her pill. There wasn't a closet to crawl into so she backed herself into the smallest corner she could find and rocked herself back and forth. It was getting harder and harder to breathe and she wasn't sure if she would be able to make it until the pills kicked it. She tried to focus on pulling air into her lungs, trying desperately not to think about the situation she had gotten herself into.. again.

Of course the person she decided to open her heart to, however begrudged it was, didn't want her to love him even though he loved her back. He had even said he loved her, and she loved him. But sometimes love just isn't enough. Clary's world went black.

Jace watched as Clary practically had jumped up from her seat and ran into the house and into her room with a loud slam of her door. It had killed him to say those words to her. The look on her face had made it even worse. But there was no way that he could tell her that at times he considered running off to another country with her just so he wouldn't have to leave her and they both could get away with everything.

Jace went inside, not directly going after her but just trying to be around her to make sure that nothing bad happened. Whatever pain she was feeling now was his fault because he let himself get too close, but the pain now would be so much less than if he hadn't decided to stop them from getting any worse. He inched his way up the stairs, trying hard not to let any of the old board's squeak. He could hear her crying from inside her room and it made his heart literally ache knowing he was causing her pain. Jace just sat down in the hallway, he was pretty sure she wouldn't come out for awhile but he also wanted to make sure she would be ok.

It took awhile but the crying suddenly stopped and Jace strained his ears to see if he could hear her shuffling around or moving at all. After a few moments of silence that seemed to span into eternity Jace couldn't help but open the door to peek in. At first he couldn't see Clary at all and he started to panic, looking around the room wildly. Then his heart seemed to stop dead in his chest as he saw her curled up in a ball on the floor. He rushed over to her and didn't breathe until he realized she was just sleeping, or some kind of unconscious on the floor. At least she was breathing. Jace smoothed a piece of hair behind her ear and bent down slowly to press a kiss to the top of her forehead before walking slowly from the room and heading back to his own house. He would keep an eye on her for a few days and make sure everything was going to be ok, but he needed to make sure to distance himself from her so they didn't end up doing something like they had almost done the night before.

Clary woke on the floor feeling a bit better than she had when she had rushed into her room. It all sucked, the whole thing with Jace sucked but she should have known better, she did know better. She had just forgotten to take her own advise thinking that for once things were going to be different. She hadn't journaled in a while and sitting all alone in an empty house made her want to try writing her feelings down again, maybe it really would help.

_I see myself hollow and desolate. Like a rock left in the desert, sand swept and stricken of every edge and dimple making it unique. All the hills around me, all the vast empty wide spaces are only broken by the intruding cactus, unwelcoming and sharp. It's a scary and lonely stretch of life, dominated by the snakes and the lizards, all claiming lordship over my tiny existence. I, like the rock, have no definite shape or place. I am eventually worn away by my surroundings, becoming smaller and less important. I am easily moved by the characters around me, sometime whipping me into places that I wish I was not. My only hope of survival depends upon the stranger, wandering by, if only he could pick me up, and carry me somewhere much safer, where the process of aging and wearing out will become a slower process, and where I might even find a kind of eternal life living through another. But I have been picked up many times, and equally so cast aside for a more lustrous object, that of more liking to the passerby. I am a worn rock, nothing special is left to show because the sand and snakes have taken away from me all that once made me special. I am the lonely rock left by the side, or thrown carelessly into the rivers bend, making a new journey that leads to more dangers. It is a tiresome life to be chipped slowly apart by my surroundings, leaving me one day nothing more than dust. But I am not quite dust yet, and that is not the future I desire. I want to be the graceful tiger, goddess of all that surrounds her, with a fierce power, and a thirst for all that life has to offer. I strive for her strength, her ability to rule her life with a stiff reign. I envy a life that was not given to me, because there is too much pain with the one that I have received. People tell me that I am strong; some say the strongest they have ever known for being able to whether the frightening storms that have caught me in their eye. But I am wearing down, slowly, the ability for me to fight is waning, and I am in need of help. Sometimes when you get so far down, there is no way of getting back out until a helping hand is stretched downward toward you and your pit of misery, willing to step in the pits of hell for only a short moment to pull you back out. But you need someone willing to lower themselves in order to raise you up. The person reaching down is going to get singed, and few will ever actually show that kind of compassion, not for a weathered rock like me. People say they can sacrifice, but usually it's when they believe in a reward, could you honestly harm yourself to save another, without falter or hesitation, if you were the only one with the arms reach long enough to save me. No, I will find a way to crawl out alone, because I can expect no one to risk so much for someone like me._

Clary put the pen down and closed up her notebook feeling much better she had purged her mind. She always did find she felt better when she was empty. She actually found herself excited to be back to work tomorrow because with everything going on with Jace she needed a little distance from her messed up life. For the first time of the day she decided to look at her phone and found a text from an unknown number.

**Hey, it's Zach. From goth night. I pretended to be Brittish. Anyways, would you wanna have a movie date with me sometime?**

Clary gave a half smile at her phone. She wasn't really wanting to go on a "date" with anyone, but Zach had been very sweet and straightforward. Maybe she could find a friend in him. That wouldn't be such a bad thing, right?

**How about today? **She sent back.


	21. Chapter 21

I'll be the thorns on every rose  
You've been sent by hope (You'll grow cold)  
I am the nightmare waking you up  
From the dream of a dream of love (Just like before)

HIM – Vampire Heart

* * *

Clary had most of the rest of the day to herself as Zach wasn't coming over until he got off work at 5. She had given him her address and he was going to bring over a movie but he hadn't said what one or what kind it would be. Clary just hoped it wasn't one of those sappy love stories; she had never been a fan of them. Clary took the day to just sit around the house, play music, try to eat whatever scraps she could find. They really needed to go grocery shopping, but Clary was in no financial position to do so. Maybe she would make a trip out to her dads house to pick up some more canned food. Clary stepped on the scale and weighed herself, she was 90 pounds. She didn't think she looked too bad though. She never changed from her loose fitting outfit, maybe it wasn't the best for a movie date, but her skin was in constant need of hydration and she wasn't looking to jump into bed with another random person so she didn't even bother with makeup.

It surprised her how quickly after 5 there was a knock on her door. She had to give Zach credit, he was by far the most punctual person she had met and so far he had followed through on everything he had said he was going to do. Clary felt like maybe he was one of the good guys out there, the kind she should look for when it came to dating. Too bad she was too messed up to be a good fit for anyone right now. Clary answered the door and Zach was standing there with a bundle of roses, they were red, white, and blue roses, obviously left over from the fourth of July.

"Aww, you really didn't have to get me anything. This is only our first time hanging out and all." Clary said trying to hide her blush, she definitely wasn't expecting that.

"Now what kind of gentleman would I be if I didn't bring you flowers on our date, even if it is only a movie date." He said handing the flowers over and Clary went straight for the kitchen to get some sort of cup to fill with water for the flowers. Zach followed along behind Clary and watched her silently, always keeping an appropriate amount of distance between them. When Clary was finished she turned and smiled sheepishly as Zach was watching her.

"Alright, that's all taken care of. Are you ready for the movie?" She asked not really knowing what else to say. She had only ever met him the once and it was rather brief.

Zach smiled. "I'm ready when you are."

He waited for her to round the island and then walked beside her, without touching her, back into the living room where he took a seat on the couch up against one of the arms to give Clary plenty of room should she decide to keep some distance between them.

"I brought _30 Days of Night_. It's not too scary but I thought it would be a little less forward than bringing a really sappy love story." He said holding up the DvD.

Clary smiled. "Actually that's perfect. I love vampire movies but I haven't actually seen this one before." She said taking the movie from him and heading over to the player so she could put it in.

"It's not actually like the typical vampire movie. They are pretty much just monsters." He said, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous manner. Clary thought it was incredibly cute and somehow innocent.

She returned to the couch after putting the movie in, faced with the option of just sitting down, or snuggling up with him. She decided a mix between the two, sitting close enough that their thighs slightly brushed at times, but not where she was leaning on him or anything like that. Clary grabbed the remote and hit play.

Zach was the perfect person to sit next to for a movie. He didn't talk through it, even though he clearly has seen it multiple times and he didn't try to distract Clary and just let her watch it. By the time the credits rolled Clary had been able to watch the entire movie, which wasn't that great, without Zach trying anything. She had found herself gravitating closer and closer to him as the movie progressed and ended up snuggled up against him with his arm wrapped around her appropriately placed on her shoulder.

"Well it wasn't quite what I was expecting." Was all Clary could manage at the end. She was talking about more than just the movie, not that he needed to know that.

"What were you expecting?" He lightly laughed and Clary turned to look at him. He was incredibly hot, but nothing like her normal type. It was everything she should like in a guy, so Clary thought what the hell, she had clearly fucked up all over the place in her life. What was the worst that could happen?

She reached around and grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled him in for a searing but delicate kiss. Their tongues met with no hesitation but the kiss was not forced or rushed. He was a good kisser, better than Jonathan. They stayed like that for awhile, kissing and teasing each other, but his hands never moved into more daring territory and he seemed to be content with just kissing her. Clary waited for the inevitable question of moving somewhere more private, or for his hand to wander but it never came. They kissed for what seemed like hours before they broke away almost hesitantly.

"I'm really sorry but I do have to go. I have to work in the morning, but I have a had a great evening with you and I would love to do it again soon." He said with a smile and then gave her another sweet but long kiss on the lips which left Clary almost breathless with the sincerity of it.

Clary let him go, he tried to discreetly adjust himself before leaving. At least she knew that she had affected him, but clearly it wasn't as much as he had affected her. Clary stayed on the couch long after his car pulled away, stuck in a daze of what had just happened and what it had meant. He hadn't tried to sleep with her. She knew she would have been willing if he had mentioned it, but he hadn't even tried. That was something new for Clary, usually she was the one to turn down the offer, maybe not so much lately, but in the past it had always been her to say no.

Zach was clearly every bit the gentleman he propositioned himself to be and Clary still wasn't sure how to process that. Or what do to about the fact that Jace's name kept floating around her head and she didn't like that either. Jace didn't want to be with her but he was still fucking up her chance of being with someone else because she couldn't get him out of her damn head. Maybe she just needed a little time, they had only decided to separate completely this morning. Clary would just need a little time to process things and then she would be ok and she could try things with Zach with all her heart instead of being mostly preoccupied. Had he sensed that in some way? Was that why he hadn't tried anything more?

Clary made her way to bed, Izzy still wasn't home. Izzy had been making a habit of not being home quite a lot lately and while Clary had noticed, she hadn't in the same token. Clary could really use a bit of her best friend right now. She decided to text Izzy before she let herself go to sleep. She needed a girls night full of gossip and advice and all the things that came with it.

The next morning Clary was awoken by Izzy barging into her room without preamble and shaking her awake.

"For fuck's sake Iz. You seriously couldn't wait until I woke up. I don't have to be to work for…"Clary rolled and grabbed her phone. "6 more hours." She said. It was a good thing she was just working the night shift at the restaurant.

Izzy sat down on the mattress and Clary covered herself a little more securely with the blanket, she did still prefer to sleep naked whenever possible. "I know I have been a shitty friend lately, but tonight, me, you, fun." She said with a wide smile.

"That sounds perfect Iz but seriously you couldn't wait till I came down for coffee to tell me that?" Clary said rolling her eyes.

"No, not when there is a beautiful bouquet of flowers sitting down there. So you want to tell me which one of the blondes wanted to butter you up and why they aren't still here this morning. I was kinda looking forward to barging into two naked bodies, not just one." Izzy said with a raised eyebrow.

"Well it wasn't one of the blondes." Clary said knowing immediately that Izzy was referring to Jace or Jonathan. Izzy kept her eyebrows raised, Clary an indication for Clary to elaborate.

Clary sighed and decided this was after all what she had wanted; a little girl talk. "His name is Zach. I met him at goth night. He works at the local grocery mart and DJs at the college. He's a complete gentleman and all we did was kiss but we are going to see each other again, sometime." Clary said quickly, hoping she was able to summarize all the important parts.

"So Jonathan and Jace…." Izzy said letting herself trail off.

"Jonathan is nothing more than sex. He's a pleasant distraction that is less than pleasant most of the time. Jace." Clary had to stop for a moment. Jace was everything but could never be anything. How could she describe that?

"Jace made it very clear yesterday that he just isn't interested and we will never be more than friends." Clary finished the best way she could, leaving so much more unsaid.

Izzy gave her and strange look. "Right." She said, drawing out the word. "Well go back to sleep or get up or whatever you want to do. Tonight it's just you and me and we are going to catch up on all that we have missed." Izzy said getting up and leaving Clary alone and to her thoughts.

Clary laid in bed, completely unable to go back to sleep. Damn Izzy. While she was glad that she would be getting some very needed girl time with her after work, she really wished Izzy had let her sleep a little bit more so she wasn't just laying in bed with nothing more than her thoughts. Clary decided she wanted to text Zach and let him know that she had really enjoyed herself.

**Had a lot of fun last night. Next time it's my turn to pick the movie.**

She hit send and was pleased with what she had said. She hoped it had come off right. She really had a great time, a little confused that he hadn't tried anything more but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing either. And she wanted to make sure he knew that she was planning on seeing him again.

**Sounds perfect. I can't wait to see what you have in store for me. **

He sent back within a minute of her message being sent out. That was a good sign right? That he hadn't taken very long to respond to her, and he didn't seem to regret coming over last night. He was agreeing to see her again.

Clary put down her phone and exhaled loudly. Her thoughts immediately ran to Jace. She couldn't do this with him, she couldn't randomly text or call him, he didn't have a phone. Who the fuck didn't have a cell phone now-a-days? Wait, why was she thinking about Jace again?

Clary really needed to get a hold of herself. There was no her and Jace. She tried for a moment to just let that thought sink in. They were friends, best friends, but that was all they were ever going to be. They were best friends that had kissed and nearly had sex, but that wasn't about to happen ever, according to him. Today was going to be a long day, Clary could just feel it. It was only the promise of being alone with Izzy later that gave Clary the will to finally get out of bed.


	22. Chapter 22

**Another chapter quickly after the last one because it just kind of worked out like that. There is a warning on this chapter as this is something not typically in my stories so I feel it's best to give a heads up.**

**Warning: This chapter includes explicit drug use. **

* * *

My soul is so afraid to realize  
how very little bit is left of me

take me with you  
without you everything just falls apart  
it's not as much fun to pick up the pieces

Nine Nich Nails – Perfect Drug

* * *

By the time Clary dragged herself back into her car to make the trip back home because work was finally over, her feet hurt, her back hurt, her eyes hurt, and fuck her nipples were killing her. The promise of spending time with Izzy was far from her mind as right now all she wanted was to take a bath in a tub filled with lotion and then promptly go to bed. Clary shuffled in the door and soon discovered there was no way she would be able to postpone her night with Izzy.

Izzy was sitting on the couch waiting for her, but she wasn't alone as Clary would have thought. There was a guy sitting on the couch too, laying haphazardly like he was used to having a claimed spot even though Clary had never seen him around before.

"You ready for some fun Clar?" Izzy said with a large smile. The guy on the couch held up a small plastic bag, inside Clary was pretty sure there was some kind of drug, the one you are supposed to smoke.

"Drugs Iz? That's your idea of making everything so much better? You know I don't do drugs." Clary said feeling suddenly very agitated.

Izzy got up and approached Clary carefully. "Clary, I know you tried pot before once and you didn't feel anything but I promise this time it will be better. You know I don't do this very often and I think we need to just take the night off and just have a little fun."

Clary looked into Izzy's eyes which were looking back at her hopeful. Clary had tried pot once before just to see what all the fuss was about and other than being able to feel her heart beating in her chest a little more predominately, Clary had felt nothing. Clary was rather against drug use, though she had known many that had used.

"Fine Iz, I'll try it again. But if this doesn't work don't ever ask me to do it again because it's just a waist on me." Clary said. She probably shouldn't be doing this but maybe this time she would get to see what it felt like, just to have the experience, or she wouldn't and she would never have to try it again.

The guy smiled and got off the couch, clearly he was some sort of dealer, or at least a supplier. Clary watched as he seemed to get everything ready for them, Clary had never heard of such a full service kind of thing before. She wondered if Izzy was paying extra for it.

"Alright, all you have to do is light this end here and inhale." He said with a smile as he handed the incredibly small stick to Izzy, along with the bag which still had a little bit of stuff in it. Clary never saw her give him any money, but he left promptly with a wide grin that sort of creeped Clary out.

"You ready?" Izzy said, her own little giddy smile and excited hop that made Clary roll her eyes and smile back.

"As redy as I'm ever going to be." Clary said and followed Izzy outside.

It didn't take long for Clary to notice that this time most certainly was nothing like the last time she had tried it. She hadn't even made her way back into the house and not only was she feeling something, but she was having a hard time moving or even speaking. The feeling it's self was completely horrifying. She knew that she was standing outside on the back patio, leaning up against the table but that was not what her eyes were translating to her. There was nothing going on in her brain that was changing the way she knew things to be but her body felt completely disconnected from the rest of her and she was having a hard time regaining control over it. It felt as if there was a large metal bar going through one ear and straight out the other and some invisible hand kept moving the bar around so Clary could look where she wanted to.

Clary tried desperately to tell herself what she knew to be real and every now and then it seemed to work for a split second and she would see the world the way she knew it was and then something else would take back control over her and she would lose her grasp of reality. She knew that Izzy was talking to her but for the life of her she couldn't understand or process what she was saying. _Why in the hell would anyone willingly do this to themselves, this was completely terrible?_ Clary thought as she tried to regain control over herself. This was by far the worst feeling Clary had ever had in her life. She was completely trapped in her own mind and not even her body belonged to her anymore. Clary knew that she needed to get back inside the house but she had not idea how she would ever manage it when she couldn't even feel her feet anymore.

Clary struggled to gain control, at least enough to make her way inside, should would crawl if she had to. But when reality flashed before her she found that she was sitting on the couch, Izzy was next to her and the TV was on. Clary felt a little relieved that she had made her way inside but completely disturbed she had no memory of doing it. She found that her eyes were settling out a bit better and she was at least able to see her surroundings a bit better but nothing looked the way it was supposed to. Whenever Izzy moved there was a remnant left of where she had been and a shimmer to the air of where she was going to be. Clary could tell that Izzy was still talking to her, she wasn't sure if she was talking back or not.

The TV was turned on to some late night infomercial and Clary couldn't understand what they were trying to sell. She thought it had something to do with cooking. Clary briefly wondered what time it was and then everything around her changed but stayed completely the same. Everything in the room turned into paper, one moment it was fine and the next moment the TV, the walls, the cups, everything was made out of paper. It was like a small doll house but larger. Clary felt like running and screaming but she seemed to be rooted in place as if she was tied down and no sound came from her when she tried to speak. Clary felt her eyes go wide as small paper people started appearing among the paper furniture. They were small, maybe only the size of a coffee cup, and they were running around, dipping and hiding behind things.

Clary told herself none of this was real, but just because she knew that didn't stop her from seeing it. Clary felt panicked, she wanted this feeling to stop but she doubted that it ever would. She would be stuck here on this couch until she died and some part of her knew it wouldn't be long until that happened. There was something terribly, utterly wrong with everything. No one should ever feel like this, and it completely stunned her that anyone would ever want to feel this way. Clary was dying and there was no way for her to get help.

Clary woke on the couch, the TV was still on and now they were rambling on about some jewelry set. Clary felt worse than any hangover she had ever experienced, but she was relieved to be alive. There was no sign of Izzy but there was a blanket wrapped around Clary and a pillow under her head. There was very little that Clary was certain of, but she did know that she would never, ever, do drugs again.

"How are you feeling?" She heard Izzy's voice from somewhat far away and Clary looked up toward the kitchen and saw Izzy standing with a cup of coffee and an apologetic smile. Clary watched Izzy walk toward her timidly, and hand her the cup. Even the smell of the coffee made Clary's stomach lurch and she pushed it away quickly.

"I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for you last night." Izzy said after a moment of silence.

"What happened?" Clary managed to say, her throat felt raw and her voice was rough.

Izzy winced when she heard Clary speak. "I found out this morning it was laced with something. Last night you weren't talking much, except for muttering about paper people before you jumped up off the couch and ran to throw up off the front porch. I was able to get you back inside and I laid you down on the couch where you started muttering about Jace. You fell asleep eventually and I stayed by you most of the night to make sure you slept it off.

"If you don't mind I'm going to go upstairs and get a little sleep. I'm so glad I don't have to work this morning. Which speaking of, what time do you work today?" Izzy asked as she slowly inched her way toward the steps.

"I'm noon till cut." Clary said looking around finally finding her phone. Izzy must have put it on the charger which Clary was extremely grateful for. The clock on the small screen said 6AM. Clary grunted and fell back into the warm embrace of the couch. At least it was ridiculously early so Clary would have time to go back to sleep for a while before she had to make her way into work. She briefly grabbed her phone and set an alarm so she wouldn't sleep too late and then settled back up into the pillow and found herself easily slipping away into an abyss.

Work went well, it was Simon's last day which made Clary feel sad, especially since her mind was still fogged up. Clary mentally chastised herself over and over saying she would never do anything that stupid again, no matter what. It simply hadn't been worth it, and never would be. She still had no idea what it had been laced with and that scared her even more than anything else. She literally could have died last night.

When she got home from work Izzy was gone, again. So much for that girl day. Clary had a morning shift scheduled for Sunday, but her evening was free because she actually had a job interview, the strip club audition if she would chose to go. Clary had pushed the thought into the back of her mind so now she had no idea what she was going to do. She hadn't even prepared and would likely make a fool of herself.

She really needed someone to talk to. Clary sighed and left her house, making her way down the street to Jace's house. She didn't know if he was home, but since she couldn't call him, this was her only option. Clary knocked on the door and felt completely strange doing it, she had never knocked on Jace's door before. It had always been a walk right in like you own the place kind of mentality. There was a moment of nothing so Clary decided to try knocking one more time and if nothing happened she would just walk back home and pretend like none of this had ever happened. Clary stood there feeling progressively stupider until she decided it was nothing more than a waste of time and turned to leave.

That was when the door opened and Clary turned back to see Jace standing in the doorway panting like he had just run down the stairs. He had pajama pants on, sitting low on his hips and nothing else. He had probably been in is room so very literally he must have just run down the steps.

"You knocked?" He asked, clearly till trying to catch his breath.

"That is generally how one announces their presence at someone else's house." Clary said a little sharper than she had meant. She wanted to sound playful but it had come out curt.

"You are always welcome here. That hasn't changed." Jace said softly, it was almost pained.

Clary stood awkwardly for a moment before Jace moved to the side, gesturing for her to come in. It was all very surreal and nothing felt right. Clary stood just barely inside the house and waited for Jace. Clary felt nervous and out of place, like she suddenly didn't know where she belonged. Jace didn't seem to know what he was doing either, his hand was still on the door and he was just standing there.

"Maybe it was a mistake coming here." Clary muttered and considered just heading back to her own house.

She was suddenly embraced by warm arms that smelled of home. Jace was hugging her, his arms holding tight like he never wanted to let go. His nose was in her hair and he was breathing her in deeply like she might evaporate any moment.

"I don't want it to be like this." He whispered still holding her closely.

"Me either." Clary whispered back. She didn't want to let go of him any more than he wanted to let go of her. Unfortunately it wasn't as simple as just not being weird now that there had been a line drawn in the sand.

Jace pulled back slightly, enough to look Clary in the eyes, but his hand slid down and took her hand in his own. "Let's go upstairs and talk." He said, pulling her along after him up and into his room. Clary never let go of his hand and they ended up sitting on the bed facing each other, fingers entwined.

"Would you think less of me if I became a stripper?" Clary just blurted suddenly. There were probably a million other things that they should be talking about but that was the one that came to her mind first.

Jace seemed confused by her question. Maybe it just wasn't what he had expected her to say either. "I will support you in whatever you decide to do, but I think you are so much better than that. I know the money would be good and you wouldn't have to work three jobs. But Clary your fighter, you always find a way and I think that you would regret it if you did it." Jace said, looking her deep in her eyes and squeezing her hand slightly at particular words.

"I don't think I'm going to do it." Clary said, looking down to their hands.

"Is that all you wanted to talk about?" Jace said after a moment.

Clary looked up and saw his golden eyes boring into her like he was trying to see inside her. There was so much more that she wanted to say, but how many times would she have the same conversation with him. The definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result; Clary was trying hard not to be insane.

"You need a phone." She blurted out again. "Everyone has a phone, and how am I supposed to talk to you when we aren't face to face if you don't have a phone." She rambled.

"Well I didn't think it would be a good idea since I can't sign a contract because I'm leaving. But we can try and see, maybe something prepaid." He squeezed her hand. Clary gave him a small smile. There was another long moment of silence that stretched between them.

Jace cleared his throat. "Do you wanna play some videogames?" He asked, one of his eyebrows raising above the other.

"Sure." Clary said softly.


	23. Chapter 23

**Wow, this chapter felt so long to write, yet it ended up being one of the shorter chapters. Once I realized the length I figured I could keep going a little bit but I thought about it for a moment and the reason why it feels so long is because of the weight of it. So I think you all would do better with the weight being here, a moment to digest, and then I'll post the next chapter which will be much lighter, and hopefully longer. Thanks so much for all the reviews, and welcome to the new readers. I don't want to brag but I think I got the best readers out there! Oh, a little fun fact for you all. My first TMI fic, City of Vissitude, just hit 80,000 views. it completely amazes me that even after about 9 months of the story being completed people are still reading it and that seriously blows me away. So another giant thank you to all my readers, if it wasn't for you, and for your feedback I would have given up a long time ago.**

* * *

So if I run it's not enough  
You're still in my head forever stuck  
So you can do what you wanna do  
I love your lies, I'll eat 'em up  
But don't deny the animal  
That comes alive when I'm inside you

Maroon 5 - Animals

* * *

"I think you need to tell me more of the story of you and Sebastian. You ended with the sex where he started bleeding on you." Jace said after losing to Clary in his new fighting game.

"Fine." Clary exhaled and closed her eyes for a moment just to get her baring straight of how things were so long ago.

"So we had sex and that was interesting. Afterwards we did a little better, pulling our clothes back on quickly and then downing a few energy drinks and playing guitar hero. It wasn't long before my dad got home from work and at first I wasn't sure how he would react. I mean it was his first time getting to meet Sebastian but he had known I was in a pretty serious relationship with someone that lived a few thousand miles away. But my dad surprised me, he was happy and inviting. Sebastian and I played games and just enjoyed actually getting to spend time with each other in person after such a long wait until it was well past midnight and he had to get home to his mom. He was still 17, for the next two months anyway, so until he turned 18, we had to be really careful not to make his mom mad.

Prom was Saturday and he came in on a Tuesday so we spent the rest of the week inseparable unless I was in school. Every day when I got out of class I would drive to his mom's house because she was at work until late in the evenings so Sebastian and I had plenty of alone time. Naturally we had tons of sex, but each day when I drove home, I couldn't wait to call Sebastian because I had a little problem. See the problem was, I had fallen in love with him over the phone, and in person it was just slightly different. It was like knowing this is the person you are supposed to feel all these amazing feelings for, but in reality they feel like a stranger.

Prom was a fiasco and I should have taken a hint there as to what I was really getting myself into. He didn't want to dance which meant that I wasn't allowed to dance. Yes, allowed, not that he just didn't want me to dance. I guess I was too young and stupid to see the signs clearly in front of me, I was too taken over by the fact that I had told myself this was my storybook ending that I deserved that I didn't take the time to realize it was nothing more than a nightmare. After prom we ran back to my friend's house and he wanted to have sex really quickly, but the problem was, we were signed up to go to the after prom party, and if we didn't show up on time we would be locked out and then they would call both of our parents saying that we were missing. My dad would have been fine, but his mom would have likely called then cops and told them I had kidnapped him and since I was an adult and he wasn't, that would have been bad.

So we went to the after prom and it was literally one of the worst school event I had ever gone to. I wasn't allowed to do anything. They had all these stations set up, the theme was casino royal, so there was pretend gambling, fake henna tattoos, just all these over the top, Vegas style things and I wasn't fucking allowed to do anything. He was against gambling, even pretend. He abhorred tattoos, again even fake ones. That was one of the reasons why I went out and got a tattoo as soon as we broke up. It was my own personal, permanent, fuck you to him. I still don't understand how I was so stupid to let him dictate what I could and couldn't do. I just wanted to be loved, and I thought the only way that he could love me was if I were to go out of my way to make him happy. Whatever he wanted me to do, I did, with a smile on my face, and even worse, I told myself that I was enjoying it.

The rest of the summer progressed, his mom did end up trying to call the police on me, or at least she threatened to because he had begun spending the night with me nearly every night. She quickly lost that argument as his dad had full custody of him and his dad gave his consent for Sebastian to be staying with me, full time. He pretty much never went back to his moms again, and my dad suggested that Sebastian just sleep in my room since I had the bunk bed instead of staying on the couch like he had been doing. We were trying our best to keep up appearances but I think deep down my dad knew we were sleeping together; it just made it easier for him to pretend like he didn't know.

I graduated that spring and I had only the summer left before I needed to get a job. My dad agreed to continue giving me a weekly allowance until the school semester began, and since I was electing to take a year off of school, once school would have started my allowance was officially getting cut off. I didn't need to worry about tuition or books as that was already taken care of through the scholarship I had earned, it was just more of the basic needs that I needed to figure out. So I wanted to take the year to myself, get a good amount of money saved up and maybe try to move into a dorm so I wouldn't have to commute nearly an hour away every day.

So I tried to spend my summer as my last free months with Sebastian before he needed to go back to California before his semester started and I had to really start being an adult. We stayed up late every night playing a stupid computer RPG, fighting off dragons and making runes. It was all incredibly juvenile but somehow it was almost like he was back in California and we were just talking on the phone or playing the game together even though now we were sitting directly beside each other. Somehow it reminded me of the side of him that I had fallen in love with and it slowly became less confusing when I was around him as the two different sides of him were melting like a coin into one and the same.

By the time he needed to go back to California I was devastated at the idea of him leaving. I cried my eyes out at the airport as I had to leave him, not knowing when I would be able to see him in person again. For the past 3 months we had been entirely inseparable, never having spent any time away from each other at all. He had spent 3 months grooming me into the perfectly submissive girlfriend that he had wanted. I had done what he said, when he said it. I no longer had an opinion other than what he wanted me to think, or say, or do. I had stopped talking to my friends, stopped going out with them. I had spent the entire summer locked away in my room with him. My skin was as pale as winter snow and I had gotten used to staying up till the sun had come up and then sleeping until it was evening.

There are still times even now that I have been away from him I am at a real loss of what to do. Not only had he taken my free will away from me, but somehow he had managed to get me to lock myself up in a cage with absolutely no desire to be free. Have you ever heard of wild animals that are put into tiny cages for so long that even when the door to their cage is opened they refuse to go outside? That is what he did to me and I didn't even realize it. When he left my friends tried to confront me on it and I pretty much just wrote them off as being jealous of me and this wonderful relationship I had. I was so stupid."

Somehow time got away from Clary and before she knew it she was yawning. She looked over to her phone and groaned, she had stayed much later than she should have, especially when faced with a morning shift in all of…6 hours.

"I need sleep." Clary said trying to stretch and crack her back. The hours of sitting in one spot left her sore between her shoulder blades.

"Just stay here." Jace said, stopping to save the game.

Clary bit her lip and looked around the room that she was already rather familiar with. There was only a single bed, she thought it would be difficult to fit one let alone if they both slept in the bed they would have to be nearly on top of each other….unless he meant to sleep somewhere else or have her go into a different room.

"Clary it's late, and you are exhausted. You can stay and sleep here, I'll go sleep in Max's room, or on the floor, or in the bed, whatever you want. It would just make me feel really uneasy about having you walk home alone tonight, it's late and you never know who could be out there in the shadows just waiting to prey on someone as beautiful as you." Jace said, he was clearly trying to word things right but was unsure if he was doing a good job of it.

"Yeah, your right. This part of town does kind of creep me out at night anyways. You can sleep wherever you want, it really doesn't bother me either way." Clary was curious to see where he would pick but she didn't want to try to sway him in any one particular direction because she wanted to know what he would decide when it was completely up to him.

"Scoot over." He said, standing at the end of the bed.

Clary moved so she was up against the wall and she turned on her side facing in toward the middle of the bed, trying to make herself as small as humanly possible. She wondered how exactly this would work out, or if she would get any sleep at all considering the tiny space they were both about to squeeze into. Jace got into the bed and pulled the covers up over both of them. He was also lying on his side facing in toward the middle of the bed. There was about an inch between them and that was with him nearly hanging off the bed.

"Here, let's see if this helps." Clary said carefully turning her body around so she was facing the wall. She grabbed his arm and pulled it around her waist, motioning for him to come closer to her so he wouldn't end up on the floor in the middle of the night. She could feel his nose in her hair and his breath on her neck and something about it sent shivers down her spine.

"Tomorrow when I get off work let's go and get you a phone." She muttered and she felt him nod his head in agreement. It didn't take long for her to drift off into a peaceful sleep, and even though she had gotten less sleep than normal she woke up feeling better than she had in years. The only problem was when she woke up she was alone in bed, again.


	24. Chapter 24

**Oh my dears, I know I have been gone for a rather long time and without a word of warning. Sorry about that, espically since I was not doing so well before I left, I know some of you may have worried. There is no abandoning here, I just a whole lot on my plate. But I'm finally starting to get things cleared but I can't make any promises for the future. Thanks so much for all your loyalty and finally here is the next chapter. I hope you all enjoy it, things are about to really start moving so grab a hold of something, leave me a review because I'll admit I'm a selfish person, and enjoy the journey.**

* * *

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.  
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink.  
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

Bring Me The Horizon – Can You Feel My Heart

* * *

Clary didn't even have time to process why in the hell she was all alone when she was still in his house before the door opened and Jace walked in with that slightly crooked smirk he seemed to have reserved only for her. All the fear and anxiety that Clary had been feeling in waking up alone melted away at the sight of his smile. In his hand was a steaming cup of coffee and he used his shoulder to nudge the door open because in his other hand was an ashtray and a pack of cigarettes.

"Dad says you can smoke up here I just have to keep the door shut." Jace mumbled as he handed over the cup of creamy goodness.

"If this is how I am going to be woken up, I may stay over more often." Clary groaned as Jace lit a cigarette for her. She saw a flicker of pure joy in Jace's eyes as he moved about and then left the room. It was rather early in the morning but Clary needed to be getting up and getting ready for work. She would be cutting things a little close if she did not get a move on, but she would take 5 minutes to enjoy having a cigarette in bed with a cup of coffee, something she had never done before but found it was almost as good as a post sex smoke.

Clary lost herself to the blissful peace while she could. She made sure to make Jace's bed, doing her bed to replicate the perfection she knew Jace preferred before heading downstairs to tell him thank you and bid him goodbye so she could go get ready for work.

"Are we still on for getting you a pho…" Clary stopped suddenly as she rounded the corner and saw Jace standing by an ironing board with one of Clary's work shirts. Clary choked back a laugh as Jace looked completely confused standing there in nothing more than pajama pants looking like he expected the iron to do more work than it was doing.

"What are you doing?" Clary asked with a smile.

"I'm getting your shirt ready. I ran over to your house and grabbed your uniform. I've seen you get ready before so I knew what you needed and I know how your shirts need to be ironed but I swear this thing just won't work right." Jace seemed to glare at the iron like that would fix the problem.

Clary giggled and walked over to inspect the iron, "It might help if you turned the iron up." Clary said as she adjusted the dial so it would actually get the wrinkles out of the shirt. "But thank you." She said reaching up on her tip toes and giving Jace a kiss on the cheek. There was a moment when the air seemed charged and what should have been a small innocent act seemed more intense than intended. They both just stood stock still for a moment like they had both been electrified. Jace cleared his throat and Clary stepped back suddenly, feeling her cheeks redden.

"So what were you saying when you first came in?" Jace asked while clearing his throat.

Clary looked momentarily confused before she remembered what had been on her mind before the air had suddenly turned so thick. "Oh. Did you still want to go and get a phone after work? It might come in handy to be able to call or text you, ya know?"

"Yeah we can try. I'm still not sure if it will work." Jace said, rubbing the back of his neck where the longer strands of hair curled at the base.

"You might want to consider a haircut sometime soon too. Before they have to shave it all off anyways." Clary said with a weak smile. She needed to remind herself that he was leaving soon. She could never let herself forget that for even a moment.

Jace pretended to be appalled, causing a genuine laugh from Clary. This was one reason why she loved…enjoyed him so much, no matter the situation he could always make her smile.

"Well I think I'm going to grab that shirt from you before you burn a hole in it. I seriously doubt your household skills right now." Clary said, grabbing the iron from him but giving him a playful smile. "But thank you for trying."

It was one of the best days at work Clary had ever had, but maybe that was because she was only there for half a day instead of spending her entire life with people that were obviously so miserable about their own existence that they wanted to share their misfortune with anyone they came across. Clary couldn't get out the door fast enough and she didn't even bother going home to change and headed straight for Jace's house to pick him up. Much of the tension that she had felt just the day before seemed to have melted away as she simply opened the door and walked in as if it were her own home. It always should have been like this, anywhere that Jace was, is home.

The house was seemingly empty as it usually was. Clary quickly pondered where Jace's dad was. He rarely was at the house unless it was the evening but he didn't own a car and he didn't work so his daytime wanderings were a mystery to Clary. Clary headed straight upstairs to Jace's room where she knew that he would be. At the door she hesitated, as much as the front door had not been a challenge today, his bedroom door pondered a more complex question. She knew that she was welcome to simply walk straight in but what if he was doing something that he needed privacy or a closed door. No matter how familiar a closed bedroom door should always be respected, just like a closed bathroom door.

Clary knocked lightly, knowing that she made the right decision but still feeling a little uncomfortable. There shouldn't have to be this much thought put into such simple actions. Clary could hear shuffling around and then the door opened and all thoughts of awkwardness disappeared as complete shock took over.

There was a long uncomfortable silence which was eventually broken by Jace. "It might make me feel better if you said something."

"I didn't think you would actually do it." Clary mumbled still frozen in shock. He had actually gone and cut his hair off. All his long beautiful golden hair was cropped short, only a finger length left if one were to run their fingers through it. Clary couldn't resist, that was exactly what she did.

Jace's eyes closed as Clary ran her fingers through his hair feeling that it was, thankfully, still soft to the touch as his hair slid through the spaces between her fingers. Clary always had a thing for hair and his long hair had always been something she loved, but now that it was short his face seemed to transform, he was handsome before, but now he was completely drool worthy. Clary felt herself swallow hard as a wave of complete animalistic desire ran through her veins. She didn't think she had ever wanted someone as much as she wanted him in this moment.

Clary retracted her hand slowly, putting conscious effort not to move too fast as a part of her screamed to do. She couldn't be feeling this way about him that was what they had decided. It was so hard for Clary not to simply throw herself at him, even if it was for completely selfish reasons. Most of her life her emotions had been muted but she couldn't remember ever feeling this strongly about anything in her life.

"I.." Clary started her voice low and thick. She cleared her throat and tried to begin again. "I like it." She tried again.

Either Jace hadn't noticed her internal struggle or he completely ignored it. "I'm still not sure about it. It's just so different." He said, running his own fingers through his hair.

"Well let's go get you a phone." Clary said now eager to get on the way because standing there being utterly awkward was not something she enjoyed doing.

Much to Jace's surprise he was able to get a phone without having to sign a contract, something they did under the circumstance that he was leaving for basic in the next 6 months and would not be able to actually commit to a contract. At least the company was smart enough to come up with some sort of loophole, because God only knows how the company would suffer if it came out that they were not compassionate about their troops.

Clary was just happy to finally have a number in her phone with Jace's name attached to it and she picked out the perfect ringtone for whenever he called. At least it was perfect for her, and thankfully he would never have to hear it because that's the beauty of a ringtone, the person that is calling is not there with you. Jace managed to surprise Clary even further by taking her out to dinner after he got his new phone. Clary thought it was hilarious to take him to her work, where the rest of the poor saps that couldn't get the night off were forced to wait on them. There was something about the new haircut that Clary couldn't help but want to show off to the people she worked with, even if she wasn't particularly friends with any of them, or at least with the ones that were left.

Clary never bothered to go back home, having a feeling that Izzy wouldn't be there anyways and the house seemed rather cold and empty with her alone in it. After the wonderful evening, Clary just wanted to spend more time with Jace, and probably spend another night curled up in his tiny bed with him.

Clary divided her time between her house and at Jace's where she could play video games and stay up late talking with him. It was so easy to be around him, and she felt like she could tell him anything, anything except her inner monologue about him. When Wednesday rolled around Clary was excited to go and blow off some steam. Being around Jace all the time and never allowing herself to really be alone caused some pent up feelings which in turn caused some tension. Jace wasn't able to go because he had to work and Clary felt really disappointed.

It was a warm summer evening but the sky was already darkened by the mass of clouds overhead. Clary could smell the rain coming and she wondered how it would affect her evening. She went home when Jace left for work, eager to get ready for the club. There was no way she was going to let some rain get in-between her and her night. When she walked in the door, she could hear the crack of thunder in the distance and she knew that the rain would be on its way, but something even stranger was going on at her house. Izzy was there for once, and that should have been enough to make everything strange, but more so than that, Izzy's mom was there as well.

"Hi, Maryse." Clary said a bit awkwardly when she realized that she has greatly missed some kind of heads-up. Izzy's mom never stopped by and whenever she did it wasn't because of something pleasant. Clary was suddenly unsure if there would be a goth night tonight because of a whole different kind of storm.

"Clary can I talk to you for a second?" Izzy said stepping forward quickly and catching Clary by the crook of her arm, practically dragging her backwards, back out the front door. The rain had started in the few moments Clary had stood inside and now she was standing under the porch as mist thrown by the wind smacked her in the face. Izzy closed the door behind them and Clary could feel the bottom of her stomach falling out.

"I was hoping to get to explain this to you before today, but you have been gone so much…" Izzy trailed. It almost sounded like she had wished Clary would have just stayed gone, then she would have been one less thing that Izzy would have to worry about.

"Iz, what in the hell is going on?" Clary said, losing her patience with all the secrecy. Izzy hadn't been her normal self in months now, but Clary had been too wrapped up in herself to honestly even care.

"My husband is going to be here any minute now." Izzy said in one quick breath.

"Your what?" Clary yelled. In all the realms of possibilities, Clary had never expected the word husband to come out of Izzy's mouth.

"Clary, it's a really long story and I just need you gone for awhile. I promise I'll explain everything to you later, just for now, go to goth night, have fun and stay the night somewhere. I'll call you tomorrow and we can go from there." Izzy said, her eyes flicking up and down the street with each passing car, like she was anxious and nervous the next one would stop.

Clary found herself getting kicked out of yet another house, it was always a house she was kicked out of and never a home because Clary had honestly never been able to call anywhere home in her entire life and it didn't surprise her that this wouldn't be any different. Clary didn't need to say a word to Izzy, she knew the drill, she knew how to disappear because she was such an embarrassment. Clary ducked into the rain and ran for her car, feeling thankful that the water splashing her face masked the tears that were silently streaming down. There was no room in Clary's brain to process the nagging questions about a husband that no one knew about and what about the string of other men that always had frequented Izzy's bedroom. The only thing that Clary could feel was the cold loneliness and the sense that yet again no one wanted her, and no one ever would.


	25. Chapter 25

**Well here is another chapter, like I said before we are going for a ride now, and this is only the beginning of a downward spiral. It will happen quickly, but a lot will happen over the next few chapters. You have to fall to the bottom before you realize how far down you really are. **

* * *

It's time to forget about the past  
To wash away what happened last  
Hide behind an empty face  
Don't ask too much, just say  
'Cause this is just a game

30 Seconds to Mars – A Beautiful Lie

* * *

Clary cranked up the music in her car and drove as fast as her beat up little car could manage. She was going to goth night, rain be damned. She had nowhere else she really even could have gone anyways. She hadn't even had time to change but it was a good thing she commonly carried make-up and some extra clothes in her car for when she had to work all the different shifts at work. She would figure something out. She would make it work because what else could she do?

The rain was coming down in sheets, lighting scattering across the sky, quickly followed by the loud clap of thunder. It was getting hard to see the road, even with the wipers going on at full speed. All Clary could think about was getting to the club because she knew if she did, everything would be better, everything would be alright.

Clary could see lights blurred by the rain in front of her but by the time she realized what it was, it was too late. The dip in the road was completely flooded by the heavy rains, in the lane next to her there was a car completely stuck in the flood waters. All the other cars were stopping and putting on their hazard lights because to go into the dip would mean the same fate at the car up head, but it was too late for Clary. If she slowed down there would be no way for her to stop in time, she would have gone into the waters anyways. Clary gritted her teeth and cursed the heavens above her, telling whomever it was that may have been listening that they have taken away everything from her already but they were not going to take from her this night. She put the pedal to the floor and felt her heart beat hammer in her chest.

* * *

_Clary lie beside Sebastian in her bunk bed turned king size mattress. Clary didn't know how long she had been sleeping but something inside her said that it was the middle of the night, likely 2 or 3 in the morning. Sebastian had come to spend his winter break with her, which meant he would be there with her for Christmas. Maybe this would be the first Christmas that she wouldn't completely hate even though she did have to work a shift at the movie theater during the evening. It had been a difficult winter break with Sebastian as the dance fiasco with Ali hadn't been but a few months ago and their relationship had seemed strained ever since. _

_Sebastian had said he was going to get her engagement ring after that day, but when he got off the plane he claimed to have forgotten it back in California. Who forgets an engagement ring? Clary had hoped this time together would have helped them to fix whatever kind of hole in their relationship the issue with Ali had caused but instead Clary felt like the perfect summer they had had was now nothing more than a distant memory of a time they could never again have. _

_Clary had woken to the sound of buzzing, loud and in her ear but going off intermittently followed by the quick tick of letters flying off a keyboard. Someone was texting next to her head, and the only one there was Sebastian. Clary didn't dare move or make a sound; she just listened intently as the pattern continued: a quick buzz of an incoming message and then fast fingers typing hurried words. Clary felt that something was just not right and in the pit of her stomach she felt a hallowing reality that she knew meant nothing more than the glass castle that she had so delicately built was beginning to crack and fall. _

_Clary made a show of waking, giving Sebastian all the heads up he needed that his alone time with whoever he was on the phone with was about to be interrupted. Clary got up and went to the bathroom, using the time to calm herself, she didn't really want to have a panic attack, after all she could be over reacting and there could be a completely rational explanation for it all. _

_Clary left the bathroom and returned to bed, getting under the covers and trying to at least look like she was just going back to bed, like all that had happened was she needed to pee. _

_"I love you baby, all my heart." Sebastian said quickly as she turned away and it just made the pit in Clary's stomach grow wider. Maybe it was the way he said it, or the weird way that he said it for no reason, but it was the nail in the coffin that Clary knew something wasn't right and nothing would ever be right again._

* * *

Clary knew there was no way she was going to make it, she could just feel all the odds were stacked against her, but she was tired of giving up and rolling over. If you want something you need to fight for it and as much as Clary had been fighting her whole life it had only been a fight to survive; now she was going to fight to live. The pedal wouldn't go down any further and suddenly the water was deeper than the hood of her car, washing over the windshield as if she was driving into a lake. The wipers had no chance and the headlights were completely submerged but the tires could still find solid ground and while the car slowed Clary was surprised to find that it didn't actually stop.

Clary made it to the other side of the dip, the petal still all the way to the floor and her car wouldn't go above 30 mph but she had made it when the other car had stopped. She was on her way to the club and nothing, not even heaven pouring down on her would stop her from getting what she wanted, which right now was just anything other than the shit life she currently had. Somebody would want her, even if it was for the wrong reasons, Clary would take anything she could get.

Driving with the pedal to the floor it took awhile before her car would get above 30 mph but eventually with some terrible grinding, her car seemed to get back to normal. Clary felt like she had dodged some kind of bullet or at least she had survived a kind of baptism and came out a more determined person.

Clary pulled up at the club, truly alone and oddly calm. She rummaged around in the back seat and found a skirt that she put on in place of her grimy work pants. She didn't really have a club shirt and the one she was wearing was pretty well soaking wet so Clary did the next best thing. She took her shirt off and was thankful for the extra padding in her bra that would at least cover her nipples as she was sure they would get cold outside. With a quick smear of makeup to make her own unique mask, Clary exited the car feeling like a completely different person, which was exactly was this night was all about.

Clary had never been to goth night completely alone before and it made everything seem completely and utterly different. She figured she could resume her normal routine, that she wasn't exactly dependent upon having others that pretty much just followed her around anyways. There had been several people she had met while at goth night, enough people that she could talk with and even hang out with in this strange moment of being alone. The familiar words started to trickle through Clary's mind, _I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone. _Clary pushed them down with all her might and headed off into the densely packed club to find a body, anybody, to be near.

First she scanned the crowed for Zach. She still hadn't heard back from him after he had come over to watch the movie. She had tried to text him but he never responded and she had not seen him at goth night since either. She just wanted an explanation as to why he wanted to drop her without so much as a word. She had thought the night had gone well. Maybe it was because she hadn't slept with him. He hadn't appeared to be one of those guys, but Clary was quickly figuring out that really, they all were one of those guys.

Clary texted Jer next, she knew that if she could count on someone it was Jer. Clary knew that Jer was no exception to the rule, he desperately wanted to sleep with her as well, but the difference between Jer and the other guys out there is he was willing to bide his time and stick around. Maybe he thought there was a chance eventually she would wake up and see that she wanted him just as much as he had always wanted her. For now, Clary valued his friendship and had no plans of giving in to him because like everyone else, once he got what he was looking for, he would leave her too.

Clary was surprised when Jer texted back that he was actually busy that night and wouldn't be able to make it out there. He apologized and promised to make it up to Clary, however she wanted, as soon as he could. Clary felt the pang of rejection flow through her, and she wondered if she should just go home to her dad, but she knew she would be as miserable there as if she had just slept in her car.

Clary didn't feel much like dancing, or standing against the wall, or sitting at the bar (for which she was too young to order a drink that she wanted) so she decided to go outside and smoke and figure out a plan of action. It was still pouring down rain and Clary had to carry her own pack of cigarettes which she tried not to get wet considering there was no way she could afford to buy another pack. The overhang above was rather narrow so Clary needed to squeeze herself as closely to the wall as possible to avoid getting soaked. At least the hot summer air held up against the rain so it wasn't too incredibly cold.

"Where's your other half?" Came a familiar voice that made Clary simply want to roll her eyes.

"What does it matter Jonathan?" Clary snipped, not even bothering to look up at him. She was having a shit night and knowing him he would only make it worse.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Came his voice along with his long slender fingers sliding under her chin, trying to push her chin up to face him. She had always hated when people had tried to do that, it was her body wasn't it?

Clary moved her own head up to face him, she didn't need his coaxing. "Nothing." She said firmly.

Clary watched as Jonathan frowned, clearly not believing her and that made her frown as well. She had thought her voice was steady enough to believe.

"Soooo…" He let his voice trail off into nothing, like he was awkward and didn't know what to say. Clary considered just snapping at him and hoping that he would go away, but that would leave her all alone again, and considering no one else seemed to want to keep her company, her heart didn't feel like chasing away the only person that was left.

Clary looked up to him, her eyes playful. Jonathan only stuck around for the sex, and that was all Clary was supposed to be using him for as well. A one-night stand; what a joke that ended up being. "Want to go dance?" She raised one eyebrow at him as she threw the cigarette butt to the ground, hearing it hiss as it touched the ground.

Clary and Jonathan played a dangerous game only two lovers could play. They communicated through their bodies, using the beat of the music to catapult each touch and caress into something as poisonous as the most venomous snake. There was no love between them, any feelings or emotions that made any of their intentions acceptable. They each were using the other for guilty sins of pleasure that would never be apologized for. It didn't take long before dancing was not enough and they were desperately grabbing at each other as their lips and tongues tangled in a dance of their own as they stumbled and made their way toward the door.

Clary was the first to disconnect, sliding her hand down his arm and twisting her fingers in his as she pulled him along behind her into the pouring rain. Her skin seemed to be on fire and the rain hitting her skin barely cooled the flames which were roaring inside her. In this moment she forgot about whom she was, who she was becoming, and all the things that had ever knocked her down. The flames of sin washed over her as another baptism, this one coaxing her back into darkness.

Clary ducked down an alley beside the club, a u-shaped concave where a few cars could park, if their owner had gotten to the club early enough. There was no roof overhead and the rain continued to pour down, sticking to her eyelashes, making it hard to see. Clary didn't need to see, she only wanted to feel. She pulled Jonathan to her aggressively, their bodies colliding and sliding against each other, the rain helping to make clothes stick and skin glisten.

Clary peeked her eyes open and saw a flash of red between giant drops of water. It was a red car, one that was small and sleek. It was the kind of car Clary could see herself driving one day, one that begged for everyone to stop and stare but never to touch. Clary backed toward the car slowly, keeping Jonathan in pace with her, careful never to break from their heated kiss except for the momentary gasp of air before diving back in. Clary extended her hand and felt the cool slick surface of the car she knew was off limits. It was wrong of her to touch it, wrong of her to want it; just like Jonathan. But Clary didn't fucking care, not here and certainly not now.

Clary broke the kiss and Jonathan stood before her with rain dripping from his white blonde hair. His shirt was plastered to his chest, sticking in every contour and dip as if it was no more than a layer of paint. Clary traced her fingers along his chest, slowing down the moment if for nothing else but to savor the feeling of someone that wasn't pushing her away.

Clary pushed up onto the hood of the car, dragging her ass back so she was seated firmly on the car. She pulled Jonathan by the loops in his pants until he was standing between her spread legs. Clary put her feet up on the red brick wall behind Jonathan. She caged him there between her thighs and he didn't even hesitate to know for what she was inviting him for. Jonathan gave her a wicked grin and popped the button on his pants and hurriedly pulled out his erection and then slipped Clary's underwear to the side before plunging in.

It was exciting because they were outside in public where literally anyone could walk by and look in their direction. In fact there were several people who did walk by, all of them with their heads down and in a hurry to get out of the rain; no one bothered to look down the alley and see the lewd act going on right beside them. It was exciting for Clary to think about the owner of the car suddenly deciding he had enough of the club and coming to collect his car only to find a pair of strangers fucking on top of it. It was the best sex Clary had ever had even though it was short and as always she was unable to find release it was still an itch she had never known she had and now that it had been scratched, all she wanted was more.


End file.
